How to handle 'friends'....

[Rhalvahn]

I have a group of friends that I've hung out with for 5 years now, I met them when I met my husband. They are all really great people (3 other couples), we have our *usual* personality conflicts from time to time, but we've remained friends. We get together every Saturday night, and hang out together for 3 or 4 hours playing RPG games (Dungeons & Dragons).

I started my weight loss program (restarted Atkins, started exercising) in January. I found an exercise partner in one of the guys that plays D&D with us (Brad) and started running with him. Brad is Texas National Guard and is leaving for Iraq in August. My husband is woefully out of shape, has sleep apnea, and major issues with portion control. We've done diet (Atkins/Weight watchers) before, and whenever he goes off plan, we jump off the wagon together singing 'Kumbaya'.

I made the decision (and he fully supports it :great: ) to diet/exercise independently of him because he recognized my need for a more active lifestyle. I've managed to talk David into a pair of roller blades, and at least once a week he puts them on and goes out with me. He eats Atkins friendly 'sometimes', but hasn't made the choice to change the way he eats/exercises and even though I don't like it, I can't 'force' him to make that decision. I wouldn't say Brad and David (my husband) are the best of friends, but we do stuff together once a month or so. Brad and I are very similar in traits - he reminds me of one of my brothers, and is treated similarly. My husband has absolutely 'NO' problems with my workouts with Brad - and goes out of his way to make sure that I have time/support to work out at least 3 days a week. He has even picked up Brad and brought him to my office so that we could run laps at one of the local parks.

Now that you have THAT information - here's the problem - my 'girl-friends' (specically one of them) is having serious issues with the fact that I no longer hang out with them. I've tried explaining that they keep wanting to do seditary activities that revolve around food, and that i am trying to change my lifestyle/habits in order to get in better health. Instead of recognizing and supporting that, they are focusing on the fact that I am working out with Brad. 'He' is the problem, not the fact that I wanted to get healthier.

In the past, I've talked them into mall -walking, but it turned into more of 'mall-strolling' than anything. I've done weight watchers as a group with them (we'd hit IHOP immediately after our weigh in's to 'splurge!') and was forced (this time) to recognize that who I hang out with is supporting the continuing poor choices that I was making.

I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to make them understand that I truly enjoy them, but that I had to make some changes in my daily life that will make changes to stuff I have time for. I still get to gether with them on Sat. nights, but I restrict Starbucks to once a day, and don't EVER get anything besides coffee or Caffe Americano'. I don't want to go and sit someplace for 3 hours doing nothing... lets go bowling, or hit a park, or pool, anything that requires activity. I talked with my boss, who also happens to be a fitness nut, and he thinks there is probably some jealously issues going on (they are all overweight) and that it's easier to try to keep someone close to you (weight wise) with poor decisions than to admit that it's 'Their' poor decision that's keeping them overweight.

Sheesh this turned into a long post. Has anyone had any issues with friends/family such as this? How'd you handle it? Did it take a while for them to accept the changes?

[CarolynInTexas]

I think your boss hit the nail on the head... they may be jealous of your efforts.... why not try some other activity - a movie, (bring your own snacks and drinks), Invite them to join you.... I am going to swim for an hour and then we can do some shopping if you want to join me....
keep your resolve, don't let them pull you away from what your goals are...
maybe if you do continue, you might be incentive for them.
I believe Dr. Phil in his book says something about letting go of people that sabatoge your efforts....maybe for a while you do have to let go of them of other than the saturdays that you get together....
you are doing great, keep it up...

[Goddess]

i had some similar issues with my teenaged daughters, in that they started to resent my success early on, once i started hitting "the zone" and making real progress. and i think to some degree, anytime you make major changes, it can disrupt the relationships around you.

after all, your friends are overweight, as you said. and if YOU take action and are successful, it kind of brings the point home that it can be addressed, that it's a choice. and they were comfortable with "the way things were."

if it were me, i'd stay the course. if someone complained to me when i was in that phase of weight loss, i'd just laugh and say, "well, ya better get over it, 'cause i AIN'T going back!" that's what i said to my kids.

and you know what? they did. and even went on to lose more than a little weight themselves.

they will either step up to the plate or stay home and pout. i'm guessing that after a little pouting, they will get over it. don't sweat it too much. tell them you love them, but you have to take care of yourself. and while we're at it, don't worry about dh's choices, either. you keep on doing well, i wouldn't be surprised if he gradually starts following in your footsteps, too. it always has to be a personal choice.

they are adjusting to the new you. i think they will in time. but if they don't? well...then eventually, you'll develop new relationships. while that's a little sad, no friend's ego is worth dying 20 years earlier for.

i really do think it will all shake out and won't come to that, though. you just have to stay strong.

[Rhalvahn]

Goddess - I love reading your posts...always so 'to the point' that I just laugh about it! ;-) Thanks to both you and Carolyn for the input... I can't remember ever being jealous of a friend who did really well... I always wanted to know 'how' so that I could follow suit.

Thanks so much - I think I'll try finding some stuff that they can do (or at least make sure I invite them to whatever I am doing).

Dee

[Goddess]

dee- thanks for you kind words. i know i don't make everybody laugh! but that's ok. it's my job in this life to be a bit on the blunt side, i think. it must be: i have such a skill for it!

i do believe the friends will eventually adjust and maybe even follow in your footsteps, for that matter. it's just difficult to come face to face with reality sometimes. and your success is doing that for your friends. and while i think your approach-supportive and curious-is a MUCH more adaptive way to handle a friend's success and a way to benefit from it as well as build your friend up...well, people get there at their own speed. you know? on some level, they probably feel like you kind of "broke the pact." everybody was going to be fat but it was ok because everybody else was, too. you know...we're all in this together.

at least, that was the impression i got from my family. when i abandoned the role of the heaviest in the family, there was some scrambling and much grumbling of the troops. i snickered while they grumbled. after a while, though, they quit grumbling.

i think once your friends realize how much happier you are, how much better you feel, how much healthier you are, and especially how you're not judging them as less just because they aren't at the same place with their own weight issues... well, your friends care about you. they'll get there. i think they will and i hope they do. and SOON would be nice!

[leahruthie]

bah, i'm going through something quite similar right now, and it is in no way fun. the other day, a friend told me that "i liked you better when you were fat"... i mean, what do you do with that?

i've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to interpret that... she says that i'm too diet-centered now and that i'm a completely different person. i say, that i CAN'T BE the same person, and i don't think she understands why. when you alter your life so drastically, it alters everything. but she wouldn't ever get that, cuz she won't ever have to deal with it. it's frustrating.

good luck, keep taking care of yourself, but what i decided to do was just NOT MENTION it around her, or any of my other friends who have been up in arms about it. if they don't want to change, i'm not going to try to make them, or force my WOE on them.

it really ****** though, because it would really be nice to have their support in this. :(

[Rhalvahn]

Leah- I can relate to that issue very well. Iknow that as a result of 'not' paying attention, I weighed 261 pounds... the ONLY way to fix a problem (in my humble opionion) is to shine a spot light on it.. it's hard to hide in the light of day isn't it? ;-)

As a result, you DO become focused on it, at least until you make some changes that have lasting impact. My wonderfull husband and I went to my MIL's last night, and she was nice and made beef spare ribs (with a LITTLE BBQ sauce) and veggies, and salad. When everyone had eatened, she told them there was sherbert in the freezer, so my DH got some, and fixed some for Tori (our daughter) and her 2 friends that were staying the night. My husband tried (try it hone, it's DELICIOUS!, one bit won't hurt you!) to get me to have some, and I wasn't doing it. Nope, (I really REALLY like Sherbert) - stay the HECK away from me. To him, I'm being extreme in not trying even one bit, to me, he's being annoying in trying to get me to try it when he knows I don't want it... to the family members there, it just looked weird period. ;-) It'll all work out though. ;-)

Goddess - yes, you do make me laugh, and your point of view is usually EXTREMELY blunt, a welcomed thing in the world of 'sugar-coating it'. My new goal in life is 'I wanna be like Goddess!'. ;-)

I'm hoping my changes will have an impact on my frineds, and my husband - but if they don't, I'm still making the changes regardless. I've signed up for another 5K on the 21st - with my buddy Brad. I want to improve my over all time and see how much faster I can run it. 45 minutes was okay to start with, but now I expect more from myself. ;-) (I'm an over achiever!)

You guys have a WONDERFUL Saturday. I'm off to a soccer game this morning! ;-)

Dee

[crystalrp]

I can totally understand you being a tad annoyed at your husband. Today my DH and I were at Dunkin Donuts. When we left I told him I was so proud of myself for not getting a blueberry donut, which is my FAVORITE. When we got home, he took our DS to a pizza place to get him a sandwich for supper. When DS came in he had an extra bag. "Dad got you this", he said. I looked in the bag. It was a ****** blueberry donut!! I did succumb and took 2 bites, then threw the rest in the trash. Why in the world would he do that??? I am really quite peeved!

[huskersfan869]

DH's don't always get it...they try to be nice...mine has come home with an entire bag of donut holes...I love those darned things and they are one thing I have a heck of a time leaving alone...and you cant buy just one...