What Moms Do.....

[Rhalvahn]

Some of you may know that I belong to a group on Yahoo called Flylady - it stands for 'Finally Loving Yourself'. Well, I got this today- and it rang so true for those of us that are mom's...and even those who are not.

Dear FlyLady,

This This goes right along with saving the best things for company and not
using them for ourselves. As I read the testimonial from the lady
whose mother passed on un-used wedding gifts, I started thinking about
burnt toast.

When I was growing up, my mom always insisted on eating the burned
toast. It didn't matter how many pieces she fixed, she always had to
have the worst ones (slightly burned, mangled, toasted heel when we ran
were out of bread, etc). And not only did she insist on eating the
burnt toast, she always did so with a self-satisfied smug look on her
face... kind of a "look at me, I'm so saintly for martyring myself
this way" look. She always said it was the mom's job and not to feel
sorry for her. I was eating breakfast with my dad and DH the other
week and we (my dad and I) were both remembering her burnt toast
attitude and how it made us both feel. Let me tell you those were not
the best memories of my mom for either of us. I ended up feeling
guilty for not wanting to eat the burned toast (or sometimes
envious... I wanted to be a saintly martyr too!)

I'm proud to tell you Marla, in my house burned toast is FOR THE
BIRDS. Literally! If I burn it, I crumble it and and put it on the
back porch for the birds and make more toast. I love myself too much
to eat that burnt toast, and I love my DH and two DS too much to pass
on those confusing feelings or make them look at my martyr face in the
morning.

I shared my attitude with my Dad, and he said he was surprised that
the birds would eat burnt toast and worried for a moment about if it
there was a point beyond which toast should be fed to birds
(charred?). We both ended up laughing at the idea that my dear mother
would eat food that she probably wouldn't have considered good enough
to feed to the wild birds in her yard. LOL!

I started to wonder just how many other instances of "burnt toast"
there were in my mothers life, much less my own. How many times do I
give the best to my family and settle for far less for myself just
because that's what my mom did? Ouch! In five minutes, I realized

** I take my children to the doctor when they are ill and keep their
immunizations up to date. But I won't even take a day off when I am
sick because my mom taught me that is what moms do... we don't have
time to be sick. (don't even ask if I'm up to date on immunizations,
I know I am not)

** I insist that my husband get his cholesterol checked twice a year
and adjust our diet to help him keep healthy and off of cholesterol
meds. But I won't do the same for me because that is what moms do...
it would be selfish to focus on my own needs.

** I buy my husband his favorite pens to use for writing at the house.
But I "make do" with whatever I find in the junk drawer because that
is what moms do... we don't need anything special.

** I plan our menus to accommodate my DH's favorite foods and DS's
picky toddler preferences. But I don't buy any of my healthy
favorites because (say it with me) that is what moms do... we don't
need special treats.

** I make sure DH and DS get to the barber regularly to make sure they
look clean cut. But I go 6 months between haircuts for myself
because... that is what moms do.... we can't be self centered and
pamper ourselves.

** I buy my DH new athletic socks at his request. But I keep them for
myself (even though they are too big) since they have fewer holes than
the ones in my drawer because... that's is what moms do...

Ouch. I never realized just how much mom was teaching me in the
mornings as she scraped her burned toast. I think I love myself
enough to quit doing that. I want my own children to learn a
different lesson. I want my DS's to grow up and expect their wives to
love themselves... because THAT is what moms should do! So - my daughter will NEVER see me eat the burnt toast...but I think it's important that we model to ourselves, and our children, that it's okay to take care of yourself too.

Dee

[Goddess]

interesting thoughs, dee. and funny how often we forget: one of the best ways to take care of those we love IS actuallly to be kind to ourselves. we have more energy to give, and we set a good example for our kids.

i ain't eating no more burnt toast, either.

[eat2live]

I found your post so moving because it is the truth. I know I do the burnt toast along with so many other things she listed (like the sock thing)..I guess I have done it for the same reason she did, cause my mom said that was a woman's way...

[QueenMama]

Yep, we've all done some of those things. Sometimes it was lack of money. I always bought boys sneakers because they fit better. Well, when my son needed a pair of sneakers, and we had absolutely no money to buy them, he got MINE! Of course, he needed them more than I did. Besides, I'd rather go barefoot any day.

But I draw the line at burnt toast. {shudder}

[kelly]

omg... that rings so true! I have always done it unconsciencly because I wanted the best -of everything- for my kids. but I am looking at it a little differently now. I can see where self-worth is suffering!

[eatbetter]

all of it is so very true... i have always noticed my mom giving us the best of what is there and keeping the burnt ones or the less appetising ones for herself. i feel bad fro that, so i try to compensate by taking all the burnt and rough ones and leaving her the goodies... and it makes my heart glow when i see her eating the finest pieces

[spride]

FWIW, I do most of the cooking in my house and I frequently do the same thing. Some of it has to do with pride in cooking. - aka, i'll eat the bad ones so that my child/wife will be more likely to enjoy what i made for dinner... (Thus more likely to compliment me on the meal ) Have you complimented your personal chef today?

[Goddess]

i do sometimes still take the less appealing pieces of food still, usually if it's something where i don't care but someone else might, or it's more important to me that they enjoy the meal than what piece of food i eat. but if i don't like something, i don't eat it, either.

adn, sven, i too AM our personal chef, so I am officially complimenting myself today.