Do any of you just not "have a life" ?

[JustBelieve]

Hey all.. I've been lurking a bit lately, but not too chatty. I've spent a while looking at my life, my past, where I was and where I am. It's been a heavy week or so.

I have a family of 2 mostly grown kids and a husband. The bad thing is, as wonderful as these people are, I still feel so alone. They don't seem to give anything of themselves back to me.. only expect and need from me. When everyone has clean clothes, is fed, and doesn't need to go anywhere, I don't exist.

I find myself in this house day after day, doing chores, flipping tv channels, or coming onto the puter for some company. I've even found myself wanting to take a nap just so I could sleep and escape into my dreams. I have no friends, litterally. My marriage pulled me away from all the ones I had back then, and I haven't made any since. This computer is my social life. Man that's sad.

I really can't afford a gym membership, or even the gas to go places often. We're dealing with some things that really have the money tree plucked. So here I sit.

I don't know why I'm posting this.. maybe to see if there are any others like me. I hear all the lines "get out of the house" "go on a weekend getaway" "make yourself happy" "keep yourself company"

Everyone in the world needs to feel they belong, needs a friend, and needs to feel loved and wanted around. Sometimes "relying on yourself" just doesn't do the trick. It's just next to impossible to get out right now. I'm tired and running out of the energy to keep my own needs met.. I need someone to fill me up again when I start running empty like this
No one around me "gets it" no matter how much I try to explain.

On a good note, I've stuck with the WOE, not cheated a bit. Food doesn't seem to scream my name like it use to. Some days eating is more a chore and a forced thing. I guess that's better than eating constantly like I did before.

How do you start over in life, when you don't feel you have lived for so long?
I wouldn't have a clue how to make friends with someone.

Do any of you live this solitary life, even among your family?

Thanks for letting me spill..

Just Believe.

[teelbee]

I sent you a PM

~~~Teelbee

174 (Mar. 2002, highest weight), 164 (Jan. 2003, begin LC)
164/135/137-134
remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic

[LLLSTRIC]

please send me your email address...or post it here...because boy do we click!!!!.....lowcarblaura@yahoo.com my aol instant messenger buddy name is LLLSTRIC

If I set a goal...then when I finally reach that goal..I am afraid that I will use it as a license to eat..therefore..I have no goal...only to stick to this wol FOREVER!!!

[Lowcarb4me]

I completely understand you! I have 2 small children 7 & 4, work full time and have no recreation whatsoever. My DH and I have not been out together, alone, in almost 1 year, we did go out 2 weeks ago, I ended up sick to my stomach so we had to come home.

I don't have any close friends anymore, same as you, when I got married, that pretty much ended because we all just grew apart, had our own lives. I feel like a robot going through the motions much of the time. I get up, have the same routine every morning, go to work, leave work to go get the kids from daycare, go home, start dinner, feed everyone, clean up, put the kids to bed, sit down for maybe an hour, go to bed. It seems like things will never change. Gets pretty boring after a while.

My mother is probably my closest friend. I call her everyday. We talk about nothing forever. I don't have anyone else who is much interested in anything I do or how my kids are doing etc., so I rely on her to be there for me. I don't know what I'll do when she's gone, she's not feeling well lately (heart problems, breathing problems etc.) and she keeps telling me she's not going to be around next year. That's hard to deal with.

I guess we have to find our own happiness, even if we don't get any gratitude from those around us.

Karen

[cheftrina]

I PM'd you, too.

Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy.
And cooking done with care is an act of love.
- Craig Claiborne

[Calleva]

I have read your messages on this site, and looked at your own website. Despite not knowing much about you, I found myself caring very much about the way things work out for you.

You are articulate. You can write. I bet you have many, many gifts that others would love you to share. Why not start by journalling? I think there is a place on this site where people can share their journals. Whatever you do, please think about writing. Start just for yourself, and see how you go.

I used to edit a fanzine, I like to think I can spot a writer.

I'm so glad low carbing is helping you, it's helping me as well, and this site is an inspiration to many of us.

[jestey]

Waking up - I went through a period just like you about two years ago, but I ended up in a severe depression (suicidal thoughts, the whole kaboodle). I just could not seem to pull myself out of my funk, and I am normally the most optimistic person! I didn;t make good decisions and I didn't exactly just fall off the turnip truck. I mean, I am bright, well-educated and normally a heck of a lot of fun! (at least I think so

One of the things that contributed so much to my depression was exactly what you cite here - no friends, no social life, nothing but work, work, work. My husband lost his job, so he takes care of the house and kids, but not like I would, and not like my housekeeper did before I had to let her go (we took a MAJOR hit when he got laid off) - so the house was a wreck. It was DEPRESSING. Also, my family lives about 1800 miles away, and even though my husband's family is here, it just wasn't the same.

There were three things that helped me (besides my husband forcing me to go to a shrink, literally dragging me in to see the guy - don't laugh it may have been one of the things that saved me).

1) I kept a journal - for some reason, writing it all down helped me identify that I was being WAY too hard on myself - lots of I should have done ... and I must do... as opposed to I want to do. It's amazing how much power the words we use have.
2) I called my best friend from pre-marriage and just unloaded! I hadn't seen this woman in years, but it was like we had never stopped talking. Made me realize that this woman watches out for me and that she had no idea I needed her. It helped me to reform a social base, without relying on my husband (who us a wonderful man, but clearly not a substitute for other people in my life). We all need people who watch out for us - and sometimes our family does not fit that bill.
3) I committed to a charitable sporting event. In this case, it was the Pan-Mass Challenge to raise money for the Jimmy Fund and the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. I realized later that this a critical component - it got me out of the house and FORCED me to exercise, and I got to meet people. I had a CAUSE to work toward, and that helped to reset my brain.

These are things that worked for me and I can only suggest them to you in that light and in the hope that they may work for you. In the meantime, please email me directly at jestey@mfs.com if you want to chat. I have all the time in the world for you if you need a shoulder.

Jen in MA

Jen
175/131/120

[JustBelieve]

Thanks so much everyone for coming to my rescue, all of your responses and pms really helped pull me out of the fog a bit. I just feel lost and stuck in neutral in my life. I've been lost and stuck TOO long, and can't seem to find a direction to go.

Maybe things will start changing as I do. I just don't know how much longer I can live the way I am, but change is scary.

Thank you soooo much for being here and helping me through

Calleva, thanks so much for the kind words and compliment ;o) I'm afraid when I try to journal, all that spills out is resentment and complaints of my marriage, my failures, and current circumstances lol.. maybe I'll give it a shot AFTER I have a rant and get all that out

Thanks everyone

Just Believe.

[weaverdan]

Honey, you are not alone. As you can see, there are a lot of us in the same boat you're in. One thing that might help you meet some people and give you a new outlook on life is to find a church to attend if you are not already affiliated somewhere. That helped me a great deal. I had been putting off getting out of the house and out of my rut when I decided to go to church. It was someplace I could go by myself and still be comfortable -- going to bars is not an option as far as I'm concerned. I met nice people and found that I had interests in common with some of them. I went home comforted by the sermon and the prayers, and by the prospect of being part of a group of friends again. Whatever you do, get out of the house and do something for yourself: take a walk, plant a garden, call somebody you used to know. And most of all, remember YOU are an important person, you are not invisible, we all care about you.

Weaverdan

[Sweetgal549]

You are soooo not alone in feeling like this. Unfortunately as adults, with family obligations and the like, its much more difficult to get out and make friends. I can certainly relate as I was never close to my mother and half-sibs. Let me tell you, I was dating a wonderful guy and changed jobs, moved about 150 miles in an unfamiliar area to be with him and we since got married. He has little family and they are not close. I work lots of hours and the people I work with are wonderful but I live 50 miles from where I work so socializing with them is very infrequent, if at all. We live in a very small town and because I work so many hours, the few I have left are spent with my kids and my DH. I have absolutely no friends here where I live. Zip, Nada, Zilch. The only people I even know here is my DH and kids, the guy who cuts my hair and my next door neighbor, only because she has a daughter who plays with my son. We have yet to really get to know each other because when I'm off she is busy with her family in the area.

After rambling on, excuse me please, more people than you would imagine are very lonely for lots of reasons. It might be someone that you see at the grocery store, your mail delivery person, or your neighbor. It might be hard, but for those of us who find ourselves in this situation, we need to reach out to others. Find a way, any way you can to do this. It doesn't have to mean going out (i.e. spending money) but could be as simple as taking a walk to your local library, becoming a regular and meeting others who happen by.

Are there any groups or clubs you can be involved in? Volunteering is a great way to make contacts and raises self esteem. Don't get into a 'pity party' as we have placed ourselves in this situation and only we can change that. After living here for just over a year and tired of literally knowing nobody, I'm just starting to scout out places and community activities where I can get out and meet my neighbors and others in the community.

Find someone to confide in and let them know you need a friend to talk to.

And last but not least, we are all here for each other when someone needs a boost.

Susan

LC and feeling better every day!

Atkins since 7/18/03
210/185/140

[jestey]

Susan - very wise advice. I, too, work far away from where I live and it is also a small town (very rural). I have lived there for 8 years and am just now starting to meet people, and that is mostly because my oldest son is now of school age and is getting involved in more activities. Waking Up, not sure how old your kids are, but the school thing helps draw people together, too.

Thinking of you...Jen

[Carol R]

Reading your post gave me tears. Its a pity that we are like this. Yep me too. When I read you post I said "thats me". We all need someone. We need to be soothed, touched, feel needed, be wanted ect.....These are those times I wish I live close by so I could hug you and any one else that needed a friend. I continually pray for friends that I can either hug when needed, go out to a movie, gripe to when I am having a bad day or mad at dh. Its so hard when we ache to have that companionship and we dont have it. This world is so full of ppl yet its so alone. That breaks my heart.

I am married..but we are in conflict alot..working through it but that takes time. I have an 18 year old that left me to see if the grass was greener a his dads house. I have a wonderful 2 year old girl and she takes alot of my time but that doesnt fill the missing gap like you talk about too. We all seem to be in the same boat. I will say that I am blessed to have the pc so I can search out some things.

I wish you happiness and peace and heres many huggs(((((Wakingup))))) if you wanna chat on messenger at any time email me and we can exchange our IM names.

Blessings,

Carol

**** Php 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
(NKJV)****

[Carboholic]

ive found myself in a similar spot lately, and have been vowing to change it. my SIL wants to do a baby shower for me asked me the other day to make a list of my friends, and it was hard to hear myself say i simply have no friends anymore. i injured my back three years ago then got laid off work, and my health has kept me from going out or doing anything outside the house. before that i was too busy with work to make friends. so ive lived here for 5 years and have literally no friends.

some things i came up with to meet new people:

book reading clubs - these are around in many places, and if you like to read they would be a good way to read and meet people at the same time.
religious organizations - churches are very good for socialization, as well as bible study groups and such, if you are into a specific religion.
civic volunteering - there are always shelters (human and animal), abuse hotlines, food bank programs, soup kitchens, hospital childrens wards or nuseries, literacy programs or other things of that nature looking for volunteers to help out. and often times helping those less fortunate than ourselves can help us put things into better perspective.
schools - even if your own kids are out of school, many schools have need of classroom assistants or mentors/tutors to help kids with their schoolwork.
libraries - after school or summer reading programs sometimes need volunteers, or just general helpers in the library.
childrens programs - scouts or campfire programs, 4-H, boys and girls clubs, etc are often volunteer run.
classes - you can often find free courses through the library or ywca.

consider starting your own groups. certainly if you live in a suburban area there are others close by around you who are in similar situations. maybe start a low carb support group, or a mothers group. go introduce yourself to the neighbors if you've never met before. figure out what interests youd like to explore further where you will meet other people. check out the bulletin boards at local grocery stores, schools, health food stores, etc for groups or classes.

ive also started to use the internet tools around me to find old friends and family ive lost contact with. people that i have a history with already and can renew friendships with, rather than building from scratch. for me these people are all distant, but email conversations can do a lot as well.

all of these things you can do with your husband if you want to pull him in, or alone if you prefer. often that first step to meeting people is just to get out there where we have human contact. then we can work from that point forward in developing friendships with those around us in our new circles.

best of luck to you.

Erin
atkins since 12/2/02
preggo and lcing!

[Kumus]

I'm going out on a limb here, but I would like to contribute to this topic, from personal experience.

Once upon a time, I found myself feeling much the same as some of you here. I didn't work; I was busy raising two small boys who are 23 months apart in age. My DH was very busy with work since he was the sole breadwinner. I felt all used up, too many expectations placed on me.

I began to realize I had lost my personal identity through being wife and mother. I had depended on the children and/or DH to bring me happiness. They did indeed, but sorry to say that is fulfilling only to a certain point and then you must become responsible for your own emotions.

I slowly began to come to the realization that I could not depend on others for my happiness, contentment and self-worth. At that point, I decided to like who I was and that I deserved to nourish me, along with taking care of my family.

I started to look at life in a more positive way. I wanted to be happy and I realized people are drawn to personalities that are positive and happy. It was a long journey, but so worth every painful step.

In looking back, I know that my decision to be responsible for myself changed the very course of my life and marriage. I thank God, that I chose change. Since then, I have also faced some really serious health problems, and it is imperative that you look adversity straight in the eye with a positive attitude.

I have never shared my story, but I hope that it will encourage or strengthen someone else.

Susan


LCE Member since 01/02
341/283.5/185

[fuelmanswife]

It just tears me up to read not just your post, but those who have responded to you. I think that as our society has "evolved," people have become more isolated. We're too busy to make friends or even wave at our next door neighbors let alone anyone else.

I recently found myself at the beginnings of what you are desribing. I decided that I could not handle another major depression in my lifetime and decided to do something about it. I have now gotten myself involved in many different things. I started graduate school (which I would have started regardless, but talk about meeting new friends), I started my own Mary Kay business (where I have met the most amazing women of my entire life), I got involved with a new church (wow, this made the biggest difference of all my changes), and I got reacquainted with an old friend from school (I actually ran into her at my new church). It took a huge leap for me to be brave enough to walk into these situations. It's been well worth it. I feel like my life is completely different just because I made the conscious decision to not allow myself to fall into a major depression.

I'm so sorry that you and others are going through this right now. I wish that there were something really meaningful that I could tell you to help you out of the dispair that you are experiencing.

As to your concern about how to go about making a new friend, it's easy once you get past the fear of rejection. Just smile, say hello, and be your self.

By the way, I think you made a lot of new friends today just because you took the time to reach out. God bless you for having the courage to tell us what you're dealing with.

Beth (aka Fuelmanswife)
http://www.marykay.com/bethsimmons