Food Rant

[Mab]

Ok, I am looking for a little advice and/or someone to tell me to stop being so militant.

My husband goes to his mother's house every week day to do little projects that she has for him. I will bypass the urge to go into a rant about that because it makes me angry that he goes there everyday, comes home exhausted and never gets to his honey do list at our house. Again, will save that for another day.

Here is the pertinent dilemma - for the past two weeks my mother-in-law has been feeding my husband every day. Doesn't sound bad, does it? Until I found out what she has been feeding him. One day he ate 3 pounds of potato salad that she made just for him. The same day she sent him home with a chocolate cake. The other day he had an entire pizza at her house that was topped off with reeses cups. Today what set me off was that she fed him a pound of pasta and sent him home with a dozen donuts.

I tried talking to my husband about this to tell him that I don't want him to stuff into the house where our son will have access to it. But I told him more importantly I don't want him to die of a heart attack at the age of 40.

The dynamic is so messed up. Out of my husbands three brothers they all have type 2 diabites, heart disease, high blood pressure, the list goes on. Oh and my mother-in-law has the same issues. She is a former RN and when the boys come to her house they have to shoot up their insulin before dinner. She watches everything they eat but gives my DH extra helpings.

For a year I have been slowly getting my husband to eat more healthfully. I could not eliminate his sweets, but I had him eating more lean proteins and more vegetables than he ever had.

So the advice I am looking for is this. I was considering calling my mother-in-law and asking her to please stop feeding my husband. Sort of like when you are at the zoo and they have a please don't feed the animals policy.

Is this crazy and inappropriate? My husband is a follower in this arena and since I won't feed him this garbage I feel like she does to undermine us both.

Crazy or what?

I won't be upset by any candid advice I receive, that is what I am looking for!

[hdyhouse]

Mab, I hesitate to say anything in situations like this because of all the family dynamics involved. However, it seems to me that it all starts with your husband. He has to want to eat healthy. My suspicion is that you will have better luck talking with your husband than you will with your MIL. Your husband will have to learn to tell his mother "no thanks". As long as he is willing to eat the crap she is feeding him, she will continue to do so because she thinks she is pleasing him. If you decide to talk to her, it will be very touchy because the message you will be sending her is that she is being harmful to your husband and while true, it does not make for good relations. When she offers him something unhealthy, he should decline and say he is not hungry, or that you have dinner waiting for him, or alternatively ask if she has a piece of fruit, or something healthy. After that happens a few times, she may get the message and provide more healthy food for him. However, he must recognize that it is unhealthy and it is up to him to eat right. Would it help to tell him how unhappy his behavior is making you and see if he will commit to try to change? If he is not willing to change, you may want to talk to him about increasing his life insurance policy while he still has his health so that you and his children will be protected. Good luck.

[Maggie]

I'm with Henry here.

Your husband is the only one who can "turn off" the supply of crap. Of course, he has to want to do that. On that note, I don't know how you make another person want to do something that they don't want to do.

[pegster]

Yup! Mab, I'm with Henry too. The problem starts with your husband. Who is it important for him to please? You? Or his Mom? If pleasing his Mom is more important to him, I would want to ask him why? Does she has some hold over him? Is he afraid to tell her no? These are all questions that can best be asked with a counselor in the room with the two of you.

For now, I would take Henry's advice. However, I think I would go to even more and clearer indications for you husband, like, handing him a power of attorney, will, end of life okay for you. I would make sure that all your financial ducks are in a row and sooner rather than later. If he knows how very serious you are about all this he may be interested in changing sooner than later.

I would also wonder why he tells you exactly what he has had to eat at his Mother's? Does he know that it upsets you? Hmmmmmmmm. Wonder why he tells you?

Peace to you,
Peg

[BC]

Mab, what a sad situation. I'm agreeing with everyone else.....there is much,much more than food going on here.

[QueenMama]

Mab, I agree with everything everyone else has said.

Your hubby is a big boy, he's big enough to make his own decisions. You've made your decision to eat right, to pass those eating habits on to your son, you stick to this woe, make every effort to supply your dh with good food, and then what he eats at mama's or brings home is his problem and his alone.

Perhaps you should get his mom a copy of Dr. Bernstein's book for a gift. If she'd read it, it might open her eyes. (Or not.)

[Mab]

Thanks! I really needed to be talked down!
You are all right! It is my husband's issue. But he is a follower in life and he is following her bad example.
I like the idea of telling him we need to get all of our ducks in a row! Don't think that will change anything.
He brought home a double decker orange marmalade (SP) cake two days ago.
I give up! {big sigh}

[DucklingtoSwan]

You may not be able to stop him from eating when he's over there (and I agree with the others, HE is ultimately the one who needs to address this with his mom), but you DO have control over food he brings home. It can go in the fridge (and possibly your mouth) OR, it can go in the trash can. If she has been asked to stop sending junk home and insists on doing it anyway, then you can toss it with ZERO guilt. She is the one 'wasting' it, not you.

[Mab]

True that! The saga continues, but guess what? I'm over it. She does bring him gross pure sugar stuff. Oh well. He is getting tired of it because it is not a "treat" now but a regular occurance. Oh, well.

[ImaMomWifeCna]

I agree with what everyone else said and I don't have any other advice for you but wanted to send your way and hopefully your hubby will get on board with you real soon. I can relate not with the MIL thing...but the DH being a grown up and being responsible for his own eating habits. Mine will eat junk all day long and our kids see that and I hate it....Thank goodness I got him to do LC with me again....Hopefully as he loses the weight and feels better it will sink in.

Good luck with your DH and sure hope he comes to his senses before something bad happens with his health.