byon 10-26-2009 at 08:44 AM (641 Views)
So I sit here, again. At this one thing, I have continually failed. Don't get me wrong, I have had some successes, but I always seem to find myself letting it go. I try to convince myself that I love myself unconditionally. Cos I know I should. But this layer of my body that I have hid behind, that makes me feel less, I don't love it. I don't want to accept it. I have tried. I have tried to just look myself in the mirror and say, "You are enough. You are beautiful no matter whether your 100 pounds or 300 pounds" And oddly, sometimes for awhile I can start to feel accepting. But the feeling of self deprecation always finds it's way back to me.
So, now, I know that this won't be the last battle of my lifetime. (Life is never that easy on us) but it is one that I am going to succeed at. I have all the rest of the pieces of my life in the right places. I have done a TON of self work on my issues. And I am ready.
I am doing this for me this time. I am not doing this to make someone want me or love me enough. I am enough with the weight or without. I just want to feel pretty to me.
When I get married next year, I want to look at the pictures and feel from the inside out, that I am gorgeous, and beatiful and glowing, and not hiding behind a layer of fat or a layer of clothes to hide the fat.
I am committing to this WOE and also to continue my time at the gym. I have tried help everyone else be the best that they can be, and now it's my turn!!
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