LifeInMotion

Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life even though you loved them a whole lot? You knew they were toxic for you but letting them go hurt too much that you would keep putting it off, simply to avoid the pain.

I have had to do this twice in the past with boyfriends I loved deeply, one of whom was my first love. It hurt a lot, and for a long time I avoided the inevitable break up. Yesterday, I had to go through another difficult break up – but this time I had to say goodbye to the best friend I have had all my life. The best friend that has boosted me up when I was stressed or angry, the best friend that held my hand when I was upset, the best friend that was there by my side to celebrate every important milestone I’ve ever experienced.

Unfortunately, the relationship has turned toxic and it is time to say goodbye to both friend and foe. A foe who controls the way I think, a foe that has influenced me to both starve and purge, a foe that has ruled every hour of my waking day.

My best friend.

Food.

Yesterday was the breaking point in our relationship and the realization that it was the end of a lifelong partnership. It was day 5 of my Atkins Induction. I felt weak, lethargic, irritated, restless and nauseas. By this point I was expecting the energy “zing” to kick in. Alas, I was stuck lolling on the couch with zero motivation, barely able to keep my eyes open. And then it hit me. Something I’d been putting off for 5 whole days. The bold faced truth that the most influential support system I’d ever had was gone. Now how would I cope with all the emotions I’d been repressing over the years…..?

Then came the tears. Heaving, heavy, body wracking sobs. I actually felt a severe sense of loss wash over me. I didn’t understand why, after almost a week of feeling fine, I was all of a sudden taken over by emotion. But then I realized, I was grieving. This was different to the last times, as I always knew that after a short period of the inner battle that is a low fat diet that my best friend would return. This time I know that my best friend is gone for good.

Its funny how you can be so mad at something that controls your life so much yet can be so drastically upset when it is no longer there. I am so used to that comfort zone of coming home from a stressful day at work to stuff myself with any junk food I could get my hands on. I guess I’m scared of how I will deal with my feelings now that I no longer have that crutch to lean on.

You know what though? I may be scared, I may be apprehensive, I may be COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone, but I am determine to be a success. I don’t want something as ridiculous as food to rule my life anymore. It’s time to turn my back on my old pal.

It’s time to say good bye – for good.