Perhaps some of you can relate to my friend's situation and give me some advice.

Sue and I are now in our 50s and we've been friends since childhood. She's always been very heavy - I would guess she's been between 300 - 350 lbs most of her adult life.

She broke her hip badly as a child; and it seems to me that the excess weight is really impacting her ability to get around. Her bad hip dips alarmingly when she walks. If we go shopping, she can only walk a short distance without stopping for .. well, as much as 10 minutes. She pretends to be window shopping, but I suspect she is in pain. Her feet are in bad shape, too.

Anyway, she's rarely complained, or even mentioned her weight in all the years we've been friends (it's a non-issue between us after all). I only know of one weight loss attempt or, rather, an attempt to consistently eat a healthy diet (she bought a wedding dress as a motivating goal).

I'm starting be fear that she'll lose her ability to get around or break her hip again.

Actually, I suspect she's in denial about the consequences of carrying an extra 100 - 200 lbs. While she is very intelligent and very well informed, she does have a couple of big blind spots (bigger than most people's blind spots, but I lover her irregardless).

Anyway, I guess I'd rather not say anything, but it seems like a friend has a some responsibility? obligation? to try to help a friend avoid a really bad consequence.

Or, not?

Can anyone suggest a CONSTRUCTIVE way to approach this problem and help her realize that weight control may save her hip?

I don't want to hurt her feelings, and then not have it be fruitful anyway. Her mother has urged me to talk to her. I never really felt I should - until I considered that she may actually be in danger.

Am I overreacting? Do any of you wish someone had tried an intervention? Or would that just have upset you to no avail?

Sorry for going on and on, but this issue has been lurking uncomfortably in my mind for months.

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~~~Teelbee
Back to GOAL!!!
start weight: 176/goal range: 137-134/now: 138
Reached goal in Aug. 2003 - 4rd year of maintenance.

Tough call, Teel. This is a very individualized kind of question.

For me, anyone who wants to try any sort of intervention with me would accomplish nothing, save being deleted from my "friends" list - first provisionally, then permanently if he/she couldn't respect my right to make my own choices. Since I have no trouble "owning" my own choices, I tend to accord everyone the same (as I see it) respect. I start from the presumption that every competent adult is making choices for him or herself. They may not be my choices, but it's none of my business.

On the other hand, if someone ASKS for advice, or support, I'm happy to give it - to a point. I'll give it and then assume a sort of neutral position until/unless more is wanted. I won't keep asking if the advice was followed, etc. I figure the advice sought is just one little piece of what the person will consider in making a choice.

Again, this is my own peculiar approach, based on how I want to be treated.

I'll be you get as many different replies as there are people.

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Tellbee - I guarantee that your friend is painfully aware of how her weight is effecting her over all health.

The blind spot she's chosen regarding it is not one that can be cleared away with any kind of intervention.

I know from my own experience and what I've seen with family members, that any steps towards "helping" (and I do realize you'd do it in all kindness), just makes the person angery and they go over the edge with bad eating habits even worse then before.

Sadly, it's just as if you were dealing with someone who had a drinking problem - you have to let them hit bottom.

She will, in her own time make a change, or not. It is her choice to make.

I know this is hard for you as her friend, but the kindest thing you can do is what you have been doing.

Being the best friend you know how to be.

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when life hands you lemons, order lobster!

That is tough.

I generally wait until someone brings something up unless it is very obvious that it needs to be discusses, as this appears.

I guess I would wait for a "golden moment" when she seems particularly open and receptive. I would affirm my friendship and then say that I was concerned about the hip...

That would be my take. I do appreciate when someone points out my blind spots if it is done in a loving and caring manner. I'm usually pretty receptive. As Mags said, we are all different...

Actually, I had a somewhat similar situation with a friend of mine. When I started Atkins, I often brought up how much better I was feeling. I would say things like "Wow, I'm amazed, I'm starting to think I should have been eating this way all along! I have so much more energy." I never emphasized the weight loss, never said anything like "you should try it," and tried very hard never to sound like "hint hint" (having been subjected to plenty of not-so-subtle hints about weight loss in my lifetime). It was just all about me.

Eventually, she saw that what I was saying was true (more energy, better attitude, etc.) and she couldn't miss the fact that I was losing weight, and she started asking questions about the Atkins plan. I don't know if she has officially started eating LC yet, but I do know she is officially planning to. Even now, I try to keep the emphasis on "It's going to be great having another Atkins buddy" rather than acting as if she needs it.

I know that many people tried an interventional approach with me, from the doctor (I actually had one tell me, "You're going to be in deep sh*t if you don't take that weight off." Professional approach, eh?) to my mother ("you have such a pretty face") to friends ("I only say it because I care about you!") and all it made me feel was resentment toward them. As I said to one friend once, "You know, the reason I'm fat isn't because no one has ever pointed it out to me!"

Aderyn
(edited curse word--didn't mean to offend!)

Teel, I've been in a similar situation--still am--with my dearest friend of over 20 years. My friend, however, does complain about her weight, and even once asked for some advice, however, I've learned from that experience that she is not willing to actually make changes in her lifestyle, especially since her Dr. and diabetic nutritionist support more a higher, not lower carb life.

If you really feel in your heart you need to make an approach, Sharron's is a would be probably be the least likely to be perceived badly....

Otherwise, you are being a better friend than you know just by being a good role model. One day she may come to a place where she is ready for change, and you will be there for her.

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BC
LC Since 1998
Highest Weight 172
Current 104-108

Okay, thanks everyone. I will just not broach the subject at all, unless a golden moment suggests itself.

I might consider asking her to see an orthopedist about her hip, though. That doesn't seem so intrusive to me. As she has the prior injury, which we've talked about many times, I don't think she would construe that as necesssarily inferring a concern about her weight.

~~~I'm grateful for your insight on this as I really didn't want to interfer with her choices. But, well, you know as we get older, we worry a little more.

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~~~Teelbee
Back to GOAL!!!
start weight: 176/goal range: 137-134/now: 138
Reached goal in Aug. 2003 - 4rd year of maintenance.

teel, I agree that it is a tough call. It is so much harder to approach someone we're close to!
I think your concern for her hip may be the way to go....let the orthopedist be the one to tell her she needs to "lighten up".
Also, this may sound stupid to some, but you could either print off this thread for her to read, or write to Ann Landers and show her the column if/when it gets into the paper. This will show her your concerns and how much you care, AND how hard it was for you to broach this subject with her.
No matter what happens, you know in your heart that you are a loving and faithful friend to her. Take care!

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Teel, I agree with April Rose; she is well aware of her weight problem, and it's impact on her hip. But, you have been her friend since childhood, right? So you probably know her as well as anyone ever will. So you are the best judge of just how she would react to you bringing this up.

If it were me in this situation, I would ask her about her hip, and how I had noticed it bothering her and how concerned I was about her health. Try to draw the conversation to the weight question. If she seems receptive, then go for it. If she isn't, then back down. At least you tried, and she will know that you are worried about her. Then the next move will be hers. She may want to talk to you about it. After all, she has seen that you have lost weight, and that your woe is working for you. Maybe she just didn't know how to bring it up.

In any event, you are a good person to worry about her, and a good friend. Good luck with this, and {{hugs}}.

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Trina

Vice-President of the Intergalactic Order of Brussels Sprouts Haters

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i can tell you from experience ... i harped on my mother for YEARS about her weight, lack of exercise, and bad eating habits. to no avail.
until one day (in her late 40s) she figured it out for herself ...
her knee began to cause her severe pain (she was getting fluid drained from it almost every week!), and maybe she finally got sick of looking at herself in pictures, not fitting into regular sized clothes, and perhaps just feeling bad about herself. :(

so, on her own ... she changed her way of eating, started exercising every day (bought an exercise bike), and when she was ready - finally asked me to help determine some good weight lifting exercises to tone her upper body and abs.

she lost about 50 pounds in 8 months. and she has kept it off ... b/c she made the decision to change herself FOREVER.
i am so proud of her ....
and i'm sorry i spent so much time ragging on her. she found it within herself, although it took many years to do so.

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Carrie
156/156/135