Well, I'm 33 now, and it's time I learned. How to help potty train a toddler, that is. Here's the story:
BF has primary custody of his girls (14 and 3 y/o). The 3 y/o pretty much knows what she's supposed to be doing as far as using the potty, but until now has been resistant to letting go of the diapers. BF has been hesitant, only because he takes her out lots of times, just the 2 of them, and he doesn't like to take her into men's rooms, for various reasons. He finally got her to start wearing pull-ups, which was a battle for a good while, but suddenly ok with her. She wanted to wear real underwear yesterday (for the first time!!), and she did pretty well, as long as I was taking her to the r.r. every 15-20 minutes. We had a couple accidents, and she was really embarrassed, but I gave her hugs, told her no one else knew about the accidents, and we got her changed quickly. I also had to tell her *I* had to use the r.r. to get her to go; if you ask her directly if she has to go, she becomes really obstinate and will refuse. She is very private about her potty business -- doesn't want anyone in there to help until she calls you, and doesn't like to talk about it either (ie: you can't ask her if she has to go, or direct her to use the potty before going somewhere)

So...questions:

1) Are we 'regressing' her behavior, or promoting/prolonging diapers by alternating real underwear and pull-ups?
2) Any single dads out there in this situation, I would love to hear how you have handled this
3 ) advice advice advice please?

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I helped with a Parenting Education program for a long time. Here's what we taught:

1. Step one is their knowledge of the "proper place" for things. Socks go in the drawer, trash goes in the trash can, potty waste goes in the potty. (They also have to be clear that waste is waste - it's not part of them. My son used to say "bye bye" every time he went #2 - and he wanted to know where it went, because it upset him to think it was going away. honest.)
Sounds like your little one has got this down.

2. Step two is the physical readiness: despite the fact that MOST 3 yr old girls may be physically ready to potty-train (able to feel the sensation, and control their muscles to be able to 'hold' and 'let go' on command) not ALL will be ready. You'll pretty much know this if she CAN do it right. If she can sometimes, she probably can all the time (except nighttime, which is a different story).
Sounds like she's got this down too.

3. Step three is the biggie: that's when THEY decide they want to do it. The deal here is that they KNOW that WE CAN'T MAKE THEM. So, they have to want to do it. Even if they WANT TO, this is much harder than we think, because it involves them having to stop doing what they're doing, and attend to their body's needs. Transitions are NOT something these guys handle well. So as you mentioned, we have to remind them somehow - constantly.

The key here is mucho motivation - of the POSITIVE kind. (as you did - good for you!)

Of course, that doesn't mean that there aren't CONSEQUENCES. Consequences work very well. Such as, the consequence of you wetting your pants is that we have to leave the park. (Never say, "SEE WHAT YOU DID, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED, NOW WE HAVE TO LEAVE THE PARK." Instead say, "Oops. you had an accident. We need to get you home to get some dry clothes on so you don't get a nasty rash." That's the natural consequence of having an accident.)

I know it must be difficult for BF, being a single dad. But the actual potty training phase, once they 1. know where potty waste belongs and 2. are physically ready and 3. want to do it
should be very quick - only a week or two at most. So during that time, if you're all (the little one included) committed to the process, you shouldn't let her use pull-ups, even when going out - unless you know you'll be in a situation where you may be hours without a rest room, like on the road. But it's best to put off any unneccessary things like that til she's got it down.

And yes, there will be occasional accidents, mostly when she doesnt' want to stop playing and pay attention. But in general, the big transition doesn't take that long if she's truly ready.

Until then, maybe he can use the "family restrooms" so many places are installing? We have them around here, for just such a purpose.

Gosh, that was long winded.
Hope it helped a little?

Andrea

Andrea,

Thanks! I found your advice to be very informative. By your descriptions, she is definitely READY. I have no idea how much input I have in this 'process', but I will definitely be prepared with some good info and talk to BF about it.

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SLEEP BE DAMNED! GET THY BUTT TO THE GYM!
Start Atkins 9.1.03
225/198/130ish

might want to carry change of clothes /underoos / wipes ect..
heck thats what i do..*L* i mean. for grandson..*L*
i just keep a little bag or backpack with this junk.

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I was sharing custody for a while and worried about the ex being consistant with the so-called "training". (We were doing fine, then she regressed after having been with him for the weekend.)
My (former) mother's advice:"She will go when she is ready, and believe me, there are no Kindergarteners in regular school wearing Pampers."
She was right this time. DD started going on the potty all of a sudden, just like the day the puppy scratched at the door to go out....we knew then they finally "got it".

Please no one be offended about the child/puppy comparison. They do both have to be trained in similar ways. Like Andrea said: they have to learn where it goes and the consequences for having accidents. AND be given praise and hugs for a job well done.

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yah know this is a thread i been needing too! not beacuse of a step child but due to a child who totaly is not wanting anything to do w/ the potty.. OR HIS DIAPER! he wont wear pull ups he wont wear big boy underware.. he wants to be in the buff... leme tell ya i feel my self like i have puppy in the house... following him around wipeing up the floor.. he has succesfully peed on the potty 4 times in the past 6 months.. he knows when he has to poop beacuse he will walk way from people... latly he has been forced to wear a diaper beacuse im tired of washing carpets.. or finding something i didnt know was hideing..

my first child i potty trained when he was 3... he was potty trained at 2 but then we had a major move and change in liveing arangements and well... suddenly he idd not know how to go potty anymore..

wouldnt attempt it till 2 days after his 3rd birthday and was set w/ in 3 days... he was outa pull ups.. and was only haveing 1-2 accidents a week.. mostly at night...

i know my son knows when he has to go potty.. but he is refuseing to stand in front of his potty he will sit occasionaly but usualy it is followed by some screaming and throwing of things after he tells me he has to pee.. and removes his clothes... most of the time he pees on the floor befor he makes it to the potty beacuse he will not stand in front of potty and when he goes to sit on potty the seat is cold and he jumps up and says the potty bit his bottom.. (this boy has a very creative mind!)

My aunt started potty training her grandaughter WAY to soon.. she started when the little girl was just a year old... the little girl is just now 2 and well still has lots of accidents and tells her grandma "pee pee" every 5 min.. leme tell ya i bet they spend 5 hrs a day in the bathroom beacuse she said she had to pee pee.
i told my aunt i would send my son to her for a few weeks and see if she could do something i cant do... i think they were just tired of paying for diapers since they had the little girl 90% of the time..

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