I had to bring a joke into Curves to earn Curves Cash, and ended up doing a search on-line. So I thought I wouldn't let these funnies go to waste and decided to start a Christmas Joke thread. Here's a couple to get things started: (Feel Free to add your own)




Memorandum:
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.



Christmas Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said,
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Let's spread the cheer here!!!!!!!!!

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Here's a good one for all you puter buffs:

HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
(by Chet Raymo)
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II is for Dan,
Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by mom,
To santa @ toyshop.northpole.com

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare,
Santa now finds that he's a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion, and the old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

LOLOLOLOL

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Yet a nother rendition of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

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This one had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard!!!!

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

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Barb, these are priceless! I'm cutting and pasting like mad to send around. My favorite is the cake recipe, my friend sent me that one last year and I just laughed and laughed.

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>^..^<
Esther

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Oh man, Barb, these are priceless! Thanks for making me snort here, all by myself! Well except for the cat who is used to me by now....

Char

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Veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Save the Earth - it's the only planet with CHOCOLATE!

ROLF!!! .....ROFL!!!.....ROFL!!!

but don't you think the Christmas Cake joke needs to be altered to lc? We don't want to offend anyone on this forum, you know.
Karen

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I got this today from a friend: (I'm paraphrasing here).

A few days before Christmas, an elderly man from Atlanta calls his three daughters and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I think you should know that your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty five years of misery is long enough."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!????" screams one daughter.

"I hate to hit you girls with this during the holidays, but I just can't take it anymore.
We're just sick and tired of each other and I'm sick and tired of talking about this. Call your sister and tell her."

And he hangs up.

Frantically, the sisters all call one another, trying to figure out what to do. "There's no way I'm going to stand here and watch them get divorced", said one. "I am going to Atlanta to straighten this whole mess out", said another. "Stand back, I'll take care of this", said the last one.

So, the oldest sister calls their father back and screams at him "Don't you dare do anything 'til we get there! Don't even leave the house! Sister's making arrangements for the 3 of us to fly to Atlanta tomorrow! We refuse to let you two get a divorce! Do you hear me?? I said DO NOT DO ANYTHING until we get there!"

The old man hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says "They're all coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."


Too funny! And I never saw it coming!

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To be a little ecumenical here, I got these from my cousin ... just another Sicilian Orthodox Jew....

***********
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.

************

Subject: Xmas vs.Chanukah.
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or a Jewish Hebrew School.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, so let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah; Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

8. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

9. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

10. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

11. Parents deliver gifts to their children on Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

12. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

13. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink".

14. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
Better stick with Chanukah!

*****

Subject: Top Ten Reasons to Like Chanukah.
10. No roof damage from reindeer.

9. Never a silent night when you're among Jewish loved ones.

8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.

7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.

6. You can use your fireplace.

5. Spin-the-dreidel games.

4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.

3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.

2. Cheer optional.

1. No Irving Berlin songs



(Hannukah begins on December 8th this year.)

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sounds like the christmas spirit has infected the board...lol!

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In the cookies of life, we are the chocolate chips.

Here's one very appropriate to this site:

The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd tasted
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Here's to NOT gaining any weight back through the Holidays!!!!!!

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These are all great!

Aderyn

this one made me LOL:

Traditional Christmas Feast??


One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided
to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from
the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the
turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish
game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in
the oven.

When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving
spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little
bird!

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs

AND

This one had me roaring!!!!!

Christmas Health


For Christmas this year my wife purchased a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape
from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I
decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and
made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My
wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
started.


The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.


Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!


Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for
heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.


Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?
Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I
can't imagine anything worse.


Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.


Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her
with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies professor?


Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine
wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.


Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

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