Thread: New Diet

Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of de-cafe and a celery stick that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-Ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor...otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.

Bedtime snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast - Pick up the stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner - A rock or uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast - A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap and an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and eat on it for awhile. Hide in couch's cushion.

Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers and rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from the couch and lick off the fuzz and put it back under the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine and cold coffee.