After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted
by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Note: Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot and S = The solution and action taken
by the maintenance people.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and
be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Hee hee! These are great!

Other airline humor: My company is in the running to win a seating program from the new, American branch of Virgin Atlantic. A few weeks ago, some of our engineers went to England to meet with some of their engineers...apparently there is a sign over the door that reads

Virgin Engineering: More Experienced Than Our Name Would Suggest.

Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 since 25-Nov-01

What a hoot. My husband just came in to check why I was laughing out loud.

Why Airplanes Are Better Than Women

<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
<LI>Airplanes like to do it inverted.
<LI>Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
<LI>An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
<LI>An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
<LI>Airplanes come with manuals.
<LI>Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
<LI>You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
<LI>Airplanes don't have parents.
<LI>Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
<LI>Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
<LI>When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
<LI>Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
<LI>If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
<LI>It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.[/list]
I would like to add one similarity between planes and women...If either get's quiet you know you are in REAL trouble.

HMMM...running and ducking for cover!

You all got me started! LOL

*******************Not approved for IFR navigation******************************

While flying through Colorado Springs Class C the other day, I heard the following exchange:

United 1234: "Springs Approach, United 1234. We can't read the localizer. Is there a problem?"

Approach: "The box is actually sitting right behind me. They're doing an upgrade and it should be back in service this Winter."

United 1234: "We can't hold that long."

************************************************** ***********************

Approach: Cirrus 123, what's your speed?

Cirrus 123: Now showing 200kts over the ground on the GPS.

Unknown pilot on frequency: That's one fast-moving cloud!

************************************************** ************************

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, 'The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.'

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, 'Do you know where we are?' 'I think so,' replied the other hunter. 'I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.'

************************************************** ***************************

As I was heading across the Desert a few months back, at the height of the Iraqi war, and wanting to cut through R2515 around Edwards Air Force Base, I had the following exchange with Joshua Approach...

Joshua Approach, Musketeer 123 requesting transition through R2515.

Joshua: Restricted area currently off limits, but let me talk to them at Edwards.

(About 20 seconds of dead air and then Joshua came back to me.)

Joshua: Musketeer 123, Proceed through the restricted area as requested, they need some practice on slow targets.

************************************************** ******************************************

Overheard on tower frequency at El Monte, Ca. airport, several years ago...

Tower: "Cessna N1234, say your location."

Cessna N1234: "I'm over here!"

************************************************** ************************

Oldies:

In his book, "Sled Driver," SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.

Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later,a Twin Beech required the same. 120 knots" Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

************************************************** *******************

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared ...

************************************************** **********************

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC 10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight ttendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

************************************************** **************

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

*****************************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine Approach."

************************************************** **************

A student became lost, during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

HANG IN THERE!!!

Don

thanks for the chuckle Don!!

Terese
LCE Member since 12/00
My LC web site

These are a hoot. I have copied them ans sent them to my brother who is a pilot for Delta.

Jen
175/131/120

Don,

You have far more courage than I with that post of yours.

OK. True story, not funny I suppose.

In a past life I was a tech rep for Lockheed working on the P-3 Orion with the U.S. Navy. I was in the squadron maintenance shop reviewing the latest trouble reports from a recently returned flight. One report stated that the plane had a severe vibration when the auto pilot was engaged. So I grabbed a couple of techs and we went out to check the plane.

We fired up the APU (power unit)and engaged the auto pilot, no problem. Then we all heard this "thump, thump, thump..." It was coming from the back of the plane. I walked out onto the ladder and looked. The tail rudder was going fully right, then left, back and forth... banging from stop to stop. I called one of the techs outside and asked how that might feel at 400 MPH. The problem was caused by a single failed transister (part of an amplifier circuit)

Someone later told me that when they engaged the auto pilot, they thought they were all going to crash and die, and one of the flight officers had to change his flight suit when they got back, if you know what I mean. I have no way of knowing if that was true or not.

--jim

ROFLMAO

thanks for the chuckles!!!

Glo

Start LC on 10/29/02

Live well, laugh often, love much!

Thanks Guys !!I needed that.

Jackie

Verrrrrrrrrrrry funny - I laughed out loud!! THANK YOU

The Next Installment:

Hundreds of people were milling about in the Phoenix airport when they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline
were looking for volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About
eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone
else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

***********************************************

Control: Continental 2443 give me a good rate please descending through 10,000 ft please.

Continental 2443: Well sir, we are doing 2000 fpm

Controller: Could you make it 3000 fpm?

Continental 2443: No Sir.

Controller: Oh ... I take it you do not have speedbrakes? (devices that allow an aircraft to slow down and go down quickly)

Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!

***********************************************

Boston Center: Citation 325B, contact Boston Center now on 123.75.

Citation 325B: 127.35, have a nice day.

Boston Center: Citation 325B, that frequency is 123.75.

Citation 325B: Sorry, 123.75, we were dyslexic but we're KO now.

***********************************************

Back in the 70's, BOAC (British Airways) flew into O'Hare Chicago and their call sign was "Speedbird"...

O'Hare: Speedbird 231 slow to 200 kts.

Speedbird 231: Sorry, running late, need to keep the speed up.

O'Hare: Ok, turn right 90 degrees and keep your speed up.

Speedbird 231: Errr, how long would we be on that heading?

O'Hare: Till you slow to 200.

Speedbird 231: Roger, we are slowing to 200 now

HANG IN THERE!!!

Don


http://home.insightbb.com/~athuddriver/index.html
http://home.insightbb.com/~athuddriv...nks/links.html

Don,

Those were good. Especially the last one.

As an aside, my 12 year old daughter (that would be JET, for those who wonder about my login name) took her 1st flying lesson last weekend. She did everything except the takeoff, landing, and radio work. Talk about one nervous dad for 45 minutes...

--jim

Jim,

I am an air traffic controller by trade and a CFI on the side. Teaching kids is great fun. Something to consider. GLIDER

Glider training for a youngster is something that will pay huge dividends if they continue with flying. It is flight at its best and will teach pilots how to "feel" flight. It also teaches accuracy in judgement factors that powered flight doesn't. Of course, if that isn't a viable option the keep on flying the "regular" way.

BTW, if I remember my FARs correctly, youngsters can solo at 14 and get their glider certificate at 15. Now THAT is a rush and can teach them a lot about responsibility.

One new wrinkle is that now there are a lot of options that should keep the cost down. Powered gliders are becomeing more acceptable for use in primary instruction. The should keep the cost down by elliminating the need for aircraft towing or automobile launches.

HANG IN THERE!!!

Don


http://home.insightbb.com/~athuddriver/index.html
http://home.insightbb.com/~athuddriv...nks/links.html

Don, that last one was very funny!!

jim - that reminds me... gotta get my DH the kick in the pants to get my son some lessons... One wants to try flying, the other doesnt.


My LC web site
LCE Member since 12/00