Okay, I'm coming to the best bunch of people I know for a little advice here. Go easy on me. I'm a step-Mom and am still learning my "place" within my new family....

Our 9-year-old, Abby, is in the 4th grade. Because the child didn't attend public school for Kindergarten, first, and part of second grade full time, she is struggling. Her Mom "home schooled" her (sometimes). Other times, when it was more convenient for her biological mother, she would ship her back to school for a few weeks, then she'd get mad at a teacher and yank Abby back out. She did the same thing with the Abby’s two older siblings, Philip and Ben. Basically, the "home school" was simply about 1 hour worth of one-on-one working with the kids about twice per week. The rest of the time, it was just TV and play time because that was more convenient for the Mom's quilting and other social activities.

*sigh* Enough of the preamble...on to the question.

Abby, the cherub, is completely undisciplined, in every respect (as are the boys). She and her brothers are not expected, nor ever were expected, to pick up after themselves or to do any kind of work, including homework. A few days before Christmas I had the opportunity to speak with their mother on the phone and she told me her attitude towards her children and homework, and it was just this: ask them if they have homework, if the answer is yes, tell them to do it and then back away. If they do it, fine. If they don't, let the chips fall where they may.

I was dumbfounded.

From the first time I set foot in that house with those kids and my new husband, a new order was established. There was no direction whatsoever before I got there. None. I made it clear that Abby was expected to do her homework each night. The boys are older and I still don’t feel comfortable telling them to do their homework. With Abby, it’s different. I look at her planner each day when she comes home from school to see what homework she has and then I tell her to turn off the TV and go do her homework.

Here’s the problem. Lately, she constantly says: “Okay.” Or: “I will!” Yet she continues to stay planted in her spot in front of the TV. Ten minutes later, I’m firmly telling her again: “Abby, it’s time to go do your homework. Please turn off the TV.” She yells: “OKAY! I WILL!” Yet, you guessed it, she still stays there in the same spot. At that point, I manually turn off the TV and she storms upstairs where she pouts and cries for an hour and her homework doesn’t get done, or she does a half *** job of it. The only time it DOES get done is when I sit with her and help her. I have nothing against helping her, but I have stopped doing it FOR her, which is what she has come to rely upon.

Each night she is expected to read 20 minutes and then write three sentences about what she has just read. It’s called her book log and she has to turn it in each Monday morning for the previous week. Last week I didn’t prod or push or tell her to do her book log or her homework. She did none of it. She knew it had to be done, because I asked her about it, yet she didn’t lift a finger to do it. The weekend came and her Dad and I told her to do her book log since it was due Monday. Saturday she stated that she would do it Sunday. Sunday came and went without her doing her book log, despite repeated promptings to do so.

The **** hit the fan last night. A note came from the teacher saying that Abby hadn’t turned in her book log. Abby knew we were upset with her, as was the teacher, for being irresponsible about not completing her homework. She became completely overwhelmed with the idea of doing five sets of sentences all in one night. I tried to help by typing the sentences for her on my PC, printing them out, and giving them to her so that all she had to do was copy them. She did do the reading, but by 7:30pm, she was tired and cranky and crabby and just WAILED about having to do those sentences. I became angry and told her to just copy the dang things over to her book log and get it over with. She wanted me to lightly write the sentences with a pencil in my handwriting so that she could trace them.

I was furious.

I told her to sit up and write those sentences RIGHT NOW. By that time it was nearly 8:45pm and bed time is 9:00pm. Instead, she went into the bathroom and did the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. I told her to just forget it and go to bed. I knew she was tired. She’s in an after school reading program three days each week and doesn’t get home until 6:10pm those nights. It doesn’t leave much time for dinner and homework.

What should I do? When I go home tonight, I’ll have her dinner ready for her when she comes through the door at 6:10pm. I plan on letting her eat and settle down from 6:15pm ‘til about 6:45pm. Then, I will take her by the hand, lead her to her room, and we’ll sit there together and I’ll help her with her homework. I told her yesterday that if she completes her three sentences each night like she’s supposed to, she can buy lunch on Fridays (they have pizza that day). I hope that’s enough incentive.

Crap. John just called and told me that the kids’ Mom is picking them up tonight as soon as Abby gets home at 6:10pm and taking them out for dinner. She wont’t get home until at least 7:30 and she’ll be tired and she needs a bath and needs to do those sentences, all before 9:00pm.

I’m overwhelmed at this point and don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? Keep in mind that I'm the step-Mom. At this point I'm no longer concerned with "not making waves" since I've been in the house with them for almost a year now. I just need advice. *sigh*

April
"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
352/209/180
Down 143 pounds
29 to go...
http://www.geocities.com/aprilwyatt/beforeandafter

Wow. Sounds really un-fun.

Can you short-circuit the whole stalling / promising / fit-throwing cycle by, say, unplugging the TV or disconnecting the cable? It kind of sounds like she makes a beeline for the TV as soon as she gets in the door. I'm just wondering if you need to dislodge the initial behavior before you'll get her to form new habits.

Good luck! {{{{April}}}}

Laurelyn

LC Links

OK, here's my two cents worth, since you asked!

I am also a stepmom. When I got Justin, he was 11. Luckily he was always good about schoolwork and got good grades so that was not an issue.

However, other issues arose as time went by and I found myself in your position - frustrated, unappreciated, and PISSED OFF! Finally DH and I had a talk. I stepped out of the "responsible party" roll and let the two of THEM work it out. And they have ever since, DSS is now 22 and turned out just fine with little intervention from me.

Being a stepparent is a fairly thankless job in many respects. I have no kids of my own by choice and so it was a big leap of faith to marry a man with a son at home. We DID have some luck in that his mother wanted little to do with him until he became more useful - i.e., got a driver's license and could get himself to her house or run errands for her - so that interference was absent.

I don't know, April, I feel for you because you're between a rock and a hard place and if you haven't already heard this, you probably will - "You can't MAKE me - you're not my mother!"

Backing away from the whole thing and letting Dad take responsibility for his child worked well for me. It may not be applicable in your situation. I wish you good luck and lots of hugs from me to you!

Char

And P.S. don't get me wrong - I love Justin and we now have a good relationship! Teenage years are pretty tough though whether you're the REAL parent or "just a stepmother!"

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it....

O.K. first of all take a deep breath!!!

As a teacher I want to thank you for caring so much and taking an interest in your step daughter! If only all parents did that!!! That is a whole other topic.

Here is my two cents!

It seems to me that Abby is acting like a typical child at this age. She is becoming her own person and wants you to know it. She also has had the opportunity to get comfortable doing NOTHING in the past.
The incentive to buy pizza sounds like a good idea. As far as her ingnoring you when telling her to get busy, I am sure this makes you very angry. It would infuriate me. How about turning off the t.v. the first time you ask her. Don't give her a chance to say "No".
I have a student who hates to read. So, after a parent meeting we came up with her reading to her parent each night before bed. I understand she has to write her sentences, but perhaps she could do that part of it in the morning over breakfast. ( this would depend on your morning routine). Maybe she could read to you while you cook dinner and writer her sentences right afterward. Could she get ahead on the weekend, so there wasn't so much to do through out the week.
Another idea is to call the teacher. Sometimes a child will become embarrassed when they know the teacher knows how they act at home. IF you, the teacher, and Abby sit down togther and discuss it, it may help. Let Abby share what the problem is at the meeting. Together with the teacher the three of you could develop a plan with rewards and consequences.
I am so glad she uses a planner. You may use it to write notes to the teacher telling the teacher how Abby acted at home and vice-versa. If she knows that you will know how she acts at school and teacher will know how she acts at home, she won't be able to get away with anything.

Good luck! Please let me know how it goes.

Good luck all!!
Seesko



242/226/135

"What my mind can envision; my body can master!"

April, there is nothing worse then picking up the pieces...its not easy what your going through...there is only one thing i sure can tell you to help you out and its when the kids comes over to your house, its YOUR RULES and not theirs...if you do that now they will never try...but the dad will have to back you up on that...I cant tell you what to do either but for sure dont accept that or you will get yourself sick..also, ive been working in schools for years...first your the step-mom...what does the father of these kids says? and if i was him i would march down to school and get that school into all this...you cant have homeschooling if the children will fall behind...something is wrong here...by law children have to stay in school...if they are homeschool the ones that are responsible of homeschooling have to be up to date in everything that the child needs to learn...im in montreal but im sure its the same laws down there where you are...one good person you should ask about homeschooling is LAW...she does that with her kids...just incase theres different laws in usa...but i know for sure if kids are falling behind the father should get involved and have them put back in school instead of homeschooling cause someone isnt doing their job right with them kids and it sure isnt you to pick up either...if that is the case that they are falling behind and not learning...then these kids should be in school full time...

I knew someone that went through what your going through too...i thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown...its a lot of work to take care of kids that arent yours cause your not use to them and they already have their character...you need patience and nerves of steel...the only advise i can give you and thats only my opinion is that dont accept your step kids fuss...shut the tv, shut the computer...show them your house your rules...or too bad...it will be hard for a few weeks but it will kick in you will see...and make sure dad backs you up and helps you out so you dont get yourself sick either...

hang in there and dont give up...

helene

To Love is to risk not being loved in return. To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken. Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

Bless your heart!

I was wondering what Dad does in all this?

Have you tried a reward system? A star chart? She gets a star for completed homework and comletion of a few chores. and after she gets ___ (you set a goal) stars, she gets something... let's say she's working towards a trip to the movies, or a new video of her own... or a new outfit... etc. or perhaps she can get paid for each star, say 10 cents per.

YOU apply the stars upon completion of the said responsibility. and personally, I think a few chores are in order as well, like keeping her room clean, perhaps cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming the family room or doing dishes/loading or unloading the dishwasher. My 9 year old does these type chores fine. (and I don't mean all that in one day, just pick one or two)

As for the tv, make a rule... no tv during the week, and none on the weekend if you didn't do homework during the week.

I also used to let my kids have a "break" when they got home from school, snack, a little tv, but I found out that they do much better when I have them get straight to homework, chores or piano practice, then, when all that is done to satisfaction, they may watch a program. I do allow a small snack while doing homework. this works for us for the most part, we still have days of 'don't wannas' and bickering, but nothing is going to work perfectly.

It's my 12, nearly 13 year old I'm contending with at the moment. I have a 9 year old girl in 4th grade, but she is a model child.. good student, good behavior, obedient, respectful, works hard at just about anything, except, she will not keep her room clean! You can't see her floor for the clothes and toys covering it! But I really don't get on to her a whole lot for that because she is so good in the other areas. I try to pick my battles, so to speak. As for my 12/13 year old... hormones... ick... I'm still learning...

Keep us updated.

Ta,
Anck-su-Namun
221/206/130ish
5'8" size 16

[This message was edited by Anck-su-Namun on 03-03-04 at 12:47 PM.]

April,

I have a fifth-grade DD who has a very hard time concentrating still - we do the planner thing (but she sometimes FORGETS to write everything down). She gets demerits at school if homework is not turned in on time, and she also gets "time away" from the tv, video games, computer, etc. Currently, she is off tv for a week for "forgetting" spelling.

BTW she is a straight-A student averaging 95% in a private school.

This is not an uncommon thing at this age, I'm told. She is exerting her independence by not completing her homework, and I'm exerting my "parentence" by withholding tv, or some other thing she really wanted (like a sleep-over this weekend) if she doesn't hold up her end of the bargain.

Rules in our house are - NO tv, games, computer, etc. UNTIL homework and piano practice are DONE. Snack first, of course (or dinner in your case) then onto the work that MUST be done. We have also requested her assignment planner be initialled by her teacher (to keep her accountable), and if she doesn't keep her planner up-to-date - no recess. Of course, we have a good relationship with her teacher to implement the above.

Perhaps you can try some of these things with your step-daughter, and of course, your DH needs to be primarily involved if he is home at the time she is (to help her with her homework, back you up, etc.). Just let her know that this is EXPECTED of her as she is a member if your family. Reward her when she does well (treats (non-food - erasers and pencils do well with my DD, or a trip to a favorite park on the week-end after doing consistantly well) more often than scolding her when she doesn't. This is the trick I believe.

It is a fine line to travel, I know, and it works for awhile, then we start all over again. Good practice for the teenage years, I always say (and I have one of those too!).

Sorry such a long post, Good Luck and keep us informed!

Laurie

Remember I Cor. 13 - charity never faileth.

April, why not establish rules in writing. It can also be a checklist type thing, if they meet such & such criteria, then computer/tv time is allowed. I think your daughter would be a prime candidate for this. Now, for the older boys, the rules will still apply, but something else will have to be the motivating factor.

Be organized, which I believe you to be already. Be persistent...by all means! Talk about this with them, ask them when they have their own children, what are the rules going to be. Keep communication open. Make them feel like they have input, but you and Dad are ultimately in control.

Sounds like to me they are suffering from a lack of control in their mother's home. There have been few boundaries and limitations. Children actually feel VERY SECURE with those in place.

I definitely believe in developing a good work ethic in children, the earlier the better. Much harder to learn it later, at that point it has to be a desire from within the child/teen to do it. How do I know, I have two sons who are teens now. Each of course, has very different strengths and weaknesses. We always required homework be completed soon after coming in from school. Household chores were also required.

It's a tough situation, but nothing you can't handle. I think you can develop an excellent relationship and trust with your children. Remember, make your home something solid that they can count on everytime. That's one major issue I see here. In the end, they'll know where they stand with you and their father. One day, you will be regarded with love and respect from those children.

They are so fortunate to have such a wonderful, loving and caring mother as you, April.

Susie

[This message was edited by Kumus on 03-04-04 at 04:33 AM.]

Oh April, do I ever know what you're going through
My BF is divorced and has full custody of his girls, one is 14-going-on-25, and the other is almost 3. Their mom's only concern is catering to them so that she can be the 'cool' parent. When the teenager lies about where she's been and what she's been doing, her dad grounds her, and sticks to it. Her mom, on the other hand, believes every lie that comes out of her mouth and lets her play the victim. She even has the girl's 17 y/o boyfriend over at her place when dad has placed restrictions on how much they see each other. She calls him ranting about how he needs to 'lighten up' on her, etc, lets her daughter blatantly disrespect him in front of others (Yelling, "He is sooo stupid" in a room full of our co-workers) without correcting her and at least telling her if nothing else, to show some respect (which he did, when her mother was 'the bad guy' of the relationship) Well, now she's gone from high honor roll to grades going to h@ll, mostly because of the boyfriend and an utter lack of motivation or thought for the future. She, like your SD, was never given any responsibilities or expected to do anything around the house, so it's like a personal affront to her to ask her to god forbid, do her homework, or help with her laundry. I of course stay out of it. I'm 'just' the girlfriend, she's got a mother and dad. I just try to support him in his efforts to raise a responsible human. I really feel for you, I know just what you're going through, with their mother deliberately or not sabotaging you and DH's efforts. Keep trying to offer your help, but she's the only one who can actually do the work. Sorry to hijack your thread, but I guess this subject touched a nerve

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." - Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
Start Atkins 9.1.03
225/198/130ish
My Birthday Goal: Size 14

I suppose I didn't explain a few things. Allow me to do so now...

The kids are living in the home they've always known. Their parents separated 3 years ago and John moved out. Their mother was with them in the house for those 3 years. She didn't work. John was at the house every night for at least 4 hours after work, doing everything he had always done when he lived there. All of the chores. And I DO mean ALL of the chores; all of the laundry and cleaning, giving kids their baths, helping with homework, et cetera. He'd even come over when she would call him to come unplug a plugged toilet because she either didn't know how, or just didn't want to do it. The mother did nothing. (Thus, the reason for the divorce).

Their mother moved out last year (said she couldn't take the stress any longer), and John and I moved in two days later. John works second shift. He leaves for work at noon and gets home around 2:00 in the morning. When I wake the boys up for school, John's still tyring to get some sleep. Abby gets on the bus at 9:00am. John gets her up for school after I've already gone to work. When I get home form work, the kids are already home and planted in front of the various TV's in the house. I then start unloading the dishwasher, making dinner for Abby, cleaning up all of the dishes and empty pop cans that the boys have deposited everywhere, picking up discarded socks and shoes, doing laundry, sweeping floors, cleaning bathrooms, helping Abby with home work, making sure she gets her bath, et cetera. EVERY NIGHT.

The kids see their mother for about 1 hour during the week, on a week night, every other week, and that's her choice. She pays no child support. John and I can't even go out on the weekends because the kids are always there and it's difficult to find a babysitter for Abby. I wish their mother would take them some times, but she won't.

So, you see...it's all up to me. I only see my husband on Thursday and Friday nights, and all day Saturday. The weekday stuff is all on my shoulders. So is the guitar lesson I take Philip to (and pay for) on Sundays, as well as all of the grocery shopping. The kids don't see their father because when he's at work, they are home. When he gets home from work, we are all asleep.

I get overwhelmed, to say the least.

Philip gets home at 2:30pm, makes himself something to eat (he's 14) and plants himself in the living room either watching TV or playing the X-Box. Philip does his homework and gets exceptional grades. He sometimes unloads the dishwasher when his Dad asks him to.

Ben gets home now at 3:00pm, but he has his own car (he's 17) and just goes and does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He gets poor grades now simply from lack of trying. He, too, spends the majority of his time on the road with his friends, or in front of the TV. All of the kids have their own TV's/DVD/video tape players in their respective bedrooms. (Can you BELIEVE that????!)

Since I've lived with them, I've only blown up once. I do everything. And I mean everything, while they do nothing. I came home exhausted from work one day. I use my lunch hours to do the grocery shopping. My arms were full of groceries and there were more in the trunk when I came in the door. Philip and Ben sat like sentinels in the living room, watching TV. Abby was in the study parked in front of the computer. Finally, after the third load of bringing groceries in, I stood in the kitchen and yelled: "No-no-no! That's OKAY. Don't get up or anything! What would ever make you think that I would need HELP HERE???!!!!" Gads, I was pissed. The boys jumped up and went outside and brught the rest of the groceries in. Ben looked at me and sheepishly said: "If you ever want us to do anything, all you have to do is ask us and we'll do it, April."

I felt awful. Simply awful. These kids have never been taught to do anything. And that's another thing that I suppose is up to me to do....just another thing to do...

Can you all see why I am emotionally fraught here? Plus, it doesn't help matters that my own son will turn 18 years old on Friday and I haven't seen him in nearly 4 years and I constantly compare the kids I live with to what my kids used to be...

I must shut up and stop thinking about this just now. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown....

April
"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
352/209/180
Down 143 pounds
29 to go...
http://www.geocities.com/aprilwyatt/beforeandafter

Might I suggest that you start making these kids help you! It should NOT be all on your shoulders. It seems like the boys might understand if you sit down an talk to them. Make it a positive thing. Tell them that you feel they are responsible enough to help out when their dad is not there. Maybe even have one of the boys help Abby with her homework. Set up a reward system for completing chores and helping out with things.

Good luck!

Good luck all!!
Seesko



242/226/135

"What my mind can envision; my body can master!"

I'm so sorry April,

I do think you all need to sit down and have a family discussion when dad is available, like Saturday (early, when everybody is rested). The boys are old enough to discuss things reasonably, I think, as to reponsibilities, chores, help, etc. Maybe rules should be set down like, no tv until homework is done, take turns helping sister with her homework, chores for each kid (don't overwhelm them at first, you can always add to the list).

It will be harder to expect the 17 year old to do the above, but I do believe rules need to incorporated for him too. At 14 and 9 it will be a little easier (of course, it will all take time, I know you've already been there a year, but should they get by with doing nothing to help?!?). This will not help them at all when they move out, and your husband should tell them so.

I truly feel for you, and don't want to put more of a load on your shoulders than you already have, but I think a little help areound the house is not too much to ask, esp. of the older boys. Do they expect to always get a free ride? DH will be doing them a favor if rules are EXPECTED to be obeyed, and some kind of discipline ENFORCED if they are not.

{{{HUGGGSSS}}} to you, whatever you decide to do.

Laurie

Remember I Cor. 13 - charity never faileth.

((((HUGS)))) April
Wish I could come over and give you a hand.

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." - Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
Start Atkins 9.1.03
225/198/130ish
My Birthday Goal: Size 14

OK, calm down...

I can really sense your tension and frustration and pain.

First of all, from your post I sense your frustration that you even HAVE to ask for help, by all means, they have eyes and can see when you need help, right? Wrong. they have not been required to see when help is needed, they are obviously blind to it, therefore you ARE going to have to say when. Don't hesitate to tell them, they are not going to live up to your expectations of just helping from their own good will. And don't ask "will you help with groceries" say "go get the groceries...".

Assign chores around the house. Don't overdo it in the beginning, but do add to them as need be.

Talk to your dh about how things need to change, enlist his support and call a family meeting during a calm day and time.

Announce these new responsibilities to the boys as if you're talking to adults. They think they are anyway. Get to the point... "This is all our home and we all are responsible for taking care of it. I will _______, 14 year old, you will ____________ and 17 year old, you will ___________ and 9 year old, you will ________."

It doesn't take but maybe 15 minutes to do an average chore. You aren't being unreasonable to require this of them.

Try a chore/star chart (or some kind of reward system) with the 9, talk about it with the 14, he may feel too old for such a thing. In any case, hold them accountable. None are too old or young to have priveledges removed for noncompliance.

Draw up a contract to sign for each of them. Include expectations and consequences. Be straight up front about what punishments will be carried out for not obeying, have this written, so if ever the time comes that they say... "I didn't know..." you can show them where it says so and where they signed it.

All this is just an idea to try *something* to get things to change at least, so you don't end up in a looney bin. Use any of it, part of it, none of it... You have the right to live in your home without such stress and without having to be the maid/cook/chauffer(bad spelling?}/{insert servent roll here} for them.

Let us know how things go...

I'll be thinking of you.

Ta,
Anck-su-Namun
221/206/130ish
5'8" size 16

Whoo biy, April - you are in a pickle. One thing that is in your favor, believe it or not, is that the mother is not around. So, you get to make the rules. Which you are doing. What is going on here is the classic drop-the-rock-in-the-mommy-pond-and-see-what-happens-routine. Children have so little power that they will learn to press whatever buttons they can to get some sort of reaction, positive or negative. The good news, this child LOVES you, or she wouldn;t be trying so hard to get your attention. The not so great news, she's doing this because her Mom basically ignored her.

My suggestions: 1) tell her you love her, you will help her if she asks, but that it is her job as a student to do the work, on time, everytime, with you checking, but not doing it for her. 2) tell her the consequences if she doesn't - no TV, no whatever, and the fact that you will not bail her out with her teacher. Everything has to have a consequence - opick up you dirty clothes and put them in the hamper, clean clothes (OK for a child that's a reasonable course of events). Don't pick up, dirty clothes. Do your homework, good grades and privileges, don't do it, no good grades, no priviliges. 3) Don't argue with her or go out of your way to nag her to do her homework. I personally think you did just the right thing by letting her take the fall for the booklog. She learned something valuable that day. This philosophy is from a book called 1-2-3 Magic, which I do with my kids. No shouting, squawking, nagging, etc. I used this methid with my oldest when he was in kindergarten. The teacher called me to complain that Hayden had missed the bus to after-school program three times in a row because he would dawdle whe she told him it was time to get ready to get on the bus - he wouldn't have his coat on, etc. I told her to send that child outside carrrying his coat - yes, he would be cold but next time, he would put his coat on when told. Worked like a charm. He tried this once more this year for first grade, so I sent him to school in his pajamas.

Be strong, April, she will respond.

Jen
175/129/120