Thread: The Starting Fresh Journal

One week down - 3 pounds down, too. It would have been more if I hadn't gone nuts with the nuts (darn those Planter's people!). I have GOT to get past this awful need to munch in the evenings...gotta find out what that's all about.

And of course, TOM is coming.

But my attitude is pretty good. I've been thinking a lot about being the creator of my own destiny..it's all tied to having absolute faith in my abilities, absolute belief in my worth, absolute surety in my ability to forgive and be forgiven. If I can love myself, know that I'm worth it, and forgive myself (AND let go of those things once forgiven), I set up a loving, open environment in which to create the life I want.

Easier said than done, of course. But all the good stuff is, isn't it? I mean, I don't want to walk around unconscious...that's what got me to 294 in the first place.

Enough rambling...I'll be happy if TOM comes today or Monday so I can get rid of the bloat by next week's weigh-in.

Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 since 25-Nov-01

Tom came yesterday, along with all the cramps and cravings. But...I've stayed true to the WOE.

Am thinking again a lot about the food addiction piece...when does emotional eating become addiction? Where do you draw the line between food and drug?

<sigh>

I suspect it's a never-ending battle.

Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 since 25-Nov-01

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Am thinking again a lot about the food addiction piece...when does emotional eating become addiction? Where do you draw the line between food and drug?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh Em.. I think I use food as a drug also. And the bad thing is, I use it when I feel Good or Bad :-(

Good luck on your journey. I hope you find the answer..

Have a great Day!!

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-..
215/181/160

The addiction thing is a huge issue for me...it's one thing to define the foods that are always a drug - ice cream, bread, Cheerios, Big Macs, etc. It's another to find that sometimes FRIENDLY foods can be a drug too (LC treats, cream cheese, etc.)

It's a daily struggle, I find. And I HATE that truth...but it is.


----

I'm doing okay otherwise...sticking to plan, finding today hard water-wise for some reason. My mood's been really off...I know much of it was TOM, but sheesh, I kinda took it out on coworkers. Alas.

I do, fortunately, have two whole days to debrief and rejuvenate!

Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 since 25-Nov-01

Hrm. An odd day yesterday.

I must have sucked down nearly 200 ounces of water, but I also WAY overate in the protein department. The braised beef I made was just sooooooo good!

My mood was also a bit weird - I did do some writing, bought some beads for a new strand of meditation beads (a very cool meditative tool...now I understand the appeal of the Catholic Rosary!), and did some cooking. But I felt insatiable with my appetite, and all the water in the world didn't keep me from eating too much.

The good news is that I'm a pound down for the week, but it could have been two or three if I hadn't eaten so much.

Makes me wonder what was driving it - I made specific choices to overeat and wouldn't listen to the inner voice of reason. Hmmm.

Ugh.

On the plus side, I feel a bit more relaxed from the really crappy week, and maybe by the time I rise for work tomorrow, I'll have the right attitude/mood.

Cheers,
Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 LC since 25-Nov-01

Hi Emelia, just stopping by to say that I hope you rise out of your funk! So you ate something that was so delicious you had to have alot!!! Dust off and move on, after all, this woe is very forgiving that way, right? Have a great weekend. I'm rooting for you!

Well...stress got the better of me earlier this week.

The cap on my front tooth broke off Sunday night...making it very hard to eat anything that wasn't soft...and I have just plunked down $800 that I don't really have to get the dang thing fixed.

Needless to say, my emotional eating habits got the better of me and I had pudding and mashed potatoes and meatloaf and other soft but filling, carb-filled delights.

I'm back up to 220(!) this morning from the bloat, which I know I can lose easily...but GRRR.

Today I'm back on plan...I'm trying SO hard to relax from the financial strain (not to mention 3 hours in the dentist's chair) and figure out why I caved in emotionally SOOO quickly.

&lt;sigh&gt;

Cheers,
Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 LC since 25-Nov-01

[This message was edited by mcclintock04 on 09-18-03 at 08:11 AM.]

Em, I feel your pain. Just the frustration of it all. Maybe somewhere between a pity party and the wonderful sensation in your mind and body that consuming all of that soft comfort food brings.


LCE Member since 01/02
341/285.5/185

Thanks, Kumus.

It was a ROUGH week. The tooth, plus a needed brake job, descimated my paycheck and put me in a rather unhappy state. I have HUGE issues around money, and my eating goes to hell in a handbasket when this sort of stuff happens.

Yeah, another contributor to that great thing I call my food addiction.

&lt;sigh&gt;

So today, I'm back up to 220, feeling yicky from all the carbs I ate (you don't wanna know), and angry that this has been so stinking hard lately. I remember a time when this WOE was so easy....when the eating was good and the pounds just poured off...

...of course, I've been at the 210-220 mark before...for long stretches of time, in fact. I wonder if this is one of htose make it or break it points for me.

Hmmm....meandering thoughts for a Sunday morning.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna be good to myself today and eat correctly...and make lunches for the week. Oh, and drink my water. That always helps!

Cheers,
Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 LC since 25-Nov-01

I hate when stress throws me into bad habits.

I'm really rather freaked out by how much I've let myself go...and how hard it's being getting back into the swing of things...

...so I'm TOTALLY taking this one hour at a time until I can get back under control.

&lt;sigh&gt;

Cheers,
Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 LC since 25-Nov-01

Okay...so yesterday worked and I lost 3 pounds of bloat.

I'm going to spend the weekend doing this one hour at a time thing. I just need to get back under control.

Cheers,
Emelia

"We can only learn to love by loving." - Iris Murdoch, Irish writer
294/208/174 LC since 25-Nov-01

Another good day yesterday. I'm having to be super-conscious about the food I eat right now, and the things I do...but it's worth it. I dropped another pound of the bloat, which, I'm embarassed to say, puts me back only to 221...yeah, I got WAY up there with the latest binge...and the 225 scared the hell out of me!

Today will be a bit of a challenge, as I'm home all day. Even though I'll keep busy doing some fall cleaning and yardwork, it would be SO easy for me to binge if I'm not careful.

One hour at a time...one hour at a time.

I pretty much met the home-all-day challenge...I did eat a BIT more than I had the last few days, but I dropped another 1.5, to put me at 219.5 today.

But I have to be SO CAREFUL right now. I hate that....once upon a time, I was so free and easy, the WOE was simple, and the weight poured off. It's like being on Induction again.

&lt;sigh&gt;

I also realize I won't be at sig weight for my birthday next Saturday. It bugs me...I hate that I let my emotions get the better of me. I hate that I proved to myself that I AM a food addict. I hate that I can't have just one sandwich or just one ice cream bar or just one fry. I hate that food for me is like a drink for an alcoholic.

But...I know that there is power in naming things. By naming the problem, I remove its power to work 'behind the scenes'. I'm facing it and looking at it and staring it down. So.. so I am naming my addiction and WILL name my addiction every day. I can't see any other way of beating this demon other than to be really conscious that this demon wants to rule my life and I won't let it.

Maybe some day I'll have conquered some of the other demons that led me to a food addiction...I know I've come a long way in terms of self-esteem, self-worth, betrayal, isolation, and envy...but I know I still have a long way to go. You don't get to be over 130 pounds overweight without layers and layers of baggage to go along with it...who was I kidding when I thought I could get rid of the baggage in just a few months? &lt;sigh&gt; It's been nearly two years, and there are STILL big ugly demons that crop up and kick me in the butt.

Okay...okay. Focus on the positive....focus on the positive.

One hour at a time.

Another good set of 24 hours! This hour at a time thing is becoming easier...I think I'm now taking it one 4-hour block at a time.

Baby steps...baby steps.... (Sheesh, I do a lot of repeating myself here; wonder what that's about...wonder what that's about )