Ugh.
Sick.
Just sick to death of all this crap.

Nothing in my story is at all original or any different from all the good folks here. Browsing all the threads in these forums, I see myself in so many people. I see the same common struggle, this unending fight with our compulsions to eat. To eat in volume, and to eat so much of the wrong things.

God, I feel you all in my "story".

I will never understand why I don't have a normal, non-obsessive relationship with food. Don't understand why I can't just put the fork down, close the fridge, walk away, "no thanks, I'm full," etc. It's always there, ...always. This vicious fu#$%*g demon that won't leave me alone. And before I know it, I'm back on one of my closeted binges, stuffing my face to numb something that continually aches.

My jeans fit - last year I had to lay down to zip them up, and now they are loose. My face looks so much better in pictures - I have a jawline. People were noticing - "Kelly sensei, you are becoming slim!" For three months solid I ate clean, exercised, drank my water. And then I gave just an inch, ...and BAM! Two solid weeks off plan.

Now I realize that I have the power to stop this in it's tracks. I know that as long as I can pick up and move on, I haven't completely screwed up. Just put a little dent in things, a bit of a stall and maybe do a little damage control. But this is the time that scares the sh%! out of me - it's like hanging on by your fingernails on a jagged cliff. God, what if I slip again? And I don't mean one single off-plan eating mistake...I mean a full-on, weeks-at-a-time binger ????? Can I come back from that again?

AAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGG!!!!!!! I AM SO SICK OF MYSELF!!! I JUST WANT TO EAT NORMALLY AND NOT FEEL SO CRAPPY! I JUST WANT TO LOOK NORMAL! WHERE IS MY BACKBONE? WHERE IS MY IRON-CLAD RESOLVE? WHY WHY WHY HAVE I LET IT GET THIS FAR? A THOUSAND BROKEN PROMISES AND I'M STILL FAT AND MISERABLE!!!!!

Whew...sorry, just had to get that out.

I am so tired now (couldn't possibly be all the sugar and crap I ate today??)
Will write more later. Will find something positive tomorrow.

hugs
Kelly

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Aww Kelly, I hope you feel better. I know your pain girl I am right there with ya. Well not exactly while you are 196 or so I am 400 but what you just described got me where I am today. Sink your fingernails in and hang on girl! You don't want to end up like I have. ((((Hugs for Kelly)))) ... Anita

You beautiful soul! Got me teared up! Hugs back to you too!

It's the whole mental aspect of this that bothers me the most. Like, why do I have anxiety about when/what/where I will eat next? Why does the slightest tinge of hunger send me into a mini tailspin? I want to be able to just not think about food so much. I suppose that's something within myself I must work on.

Day 2 of re-induction: I cheated today at our school festival. Each club got its' own booth (of sorts) and they were all making all sorts of goodies. My problem was in preparation - I brought appropriate lc foods to school, but they were in the teachers room and I was up with the "goodies". I let myself get hungry, and....you know. But I have continued on for the rest of today feeling okay and staying on plan. I am constantly reminding myself that THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT! I am doing this for my health; NOT as some sort of torture because of past sins.

Well I'm off to the school gym to watch my kids in a karaoke concert.

Thanks again, Anita, for dropping in!!!! You ( and everyone!) are always welcome!

hugs
Kelly

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Hey, Kelly! I know how you feel, I've been there so many times. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will once again repeat the advice I've given many people who are emotional eaters (like me): love him or hate him, let Dr.Phil help you. He is so much more about what's eating you than what you are eating. His book "The Ultimate Weight Solution, 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom" is a great book. I studied it with a group of women and the 7 keys continue to help me stay on course.

I am fairly certain I have some degree of metabolic resistance, due to years of yo-yo dieting. That's discouraging, but something I read in one of my l/c books (DANDR, Protein Power, or CAD) really helps me: it may take me until I'm 42 to get to my goal weight. That's 2 years....but in 2 years, I'll be 42 anyway, so I may as well be slimmer and healthier when I get there. Change the time frame, change the age....apply it to yourself.

Dr.Phil's book discusses getting your thought process straightened out, getting past old issues (the pound of flesh situation), keeping your environment fail-proof, dealing with emotional and impulse eating, nutrition, exercise, and support.

Even if he's not your type of guy to watch, just scope out the book and realize that his heart's in the right place and he has the education and experience to back up this process.

I hope this helps. You've done so well so far, I'd hate to see you headed down the "slippery slope". We all have to help and encourage one another here. Everyone has had down times and we all understand that. "Been there, done that" ya know!

__________________

Well, I did it. I stepped on that scale (Thank you Rob and the others!) - I'm down 4.4 lbs!!! So I guess the re-induction did the trick. But I have been sick this week, and my annoying red-haired "Aunt Flo" stopped in for a visit. And I still am down 2kg. Unbelieveable! :eyes:

I have really been doing a lot of exercise lately, and that must be an integral part of this WOE (duh!) because I am the ultimate loafing couch potato. Biking, walking, and playing taiko are really keeping my metabolism up. I guess it's a blessing in disguise that I don't have a car. (Even though winter is fast approaching, and it's a 35-min walk to the train station!!!! :crying: )

The 2-month countdown to Christmas has begun. I have 7lbs to go to reach my goal of a 40lbs total loss. I really think I can do it,...but I also know winter is going to be A LOT harder bc of exercise! Must stay focused!!!

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Cannot, cannot, cannot believe what I did today.

After work I walked to the post office to mail my absentee ballot (thank you very much!) and then I walked to the grocery store. And while I'm picking up my veggies, ham slices, and chicken, I happen upon the sweet bread/pastry section. And while I'm perusing the shelves, I'm thinking, "Get out of here - DANGER!" But I picked up a bread/roll thingy with chocolate in it and munched on it while walking home. Damn thing had like 40g of carbs in it! Now why would I do such a stupid thing?

Here's the kicker...

After polishing off the roll, I passed by a drug store and thought, "Well, hell, I'm just gonna do it." AND I BOUGHT A BIG DANISH THING.

So by my estimation, by eating those two pastry things, I probably inhaled about 100 g of useless, stall-inducing, sugar demon-awakening carbohydrates.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did I do that? I am responsible for everything that I eat. I KNEW it was bad for me. But I think I was rationalising that bc I have taiko tonight I would "burn" it all off. Ha, I don't think so.

I had a good day otherwise. Lots of veg and adequate protein. Lots of walking and taiko tonight. Still working on getting all my water in.

By the way, thanks to everyone who stops in here. You are always welcome!
Kelly

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Remember the "don't beat yourself up" rule!

I've come close lately to giving in to the same temptations. Next time walk away fast. Maybe head to get some fresh fruit. Your body may just be craving something sweet.

__________________

my blog

Have got to get a handle on this. I have allowed too much leniency in my daily habits. Have got to be more prepared for weekends like I have just had. Full carb fest, and I didn't put up much of a fight.

Ugh, feeling very much in love with psudo-boyfriend. Nothing is "official" but kinda like the friends with benefits-type situation. Not the healthiest of situations, but Japan is so lacking in intimacy! They are obsessed with sex (the blatant porn in this country I'm sure rivals that of the U.S.) but intimacy is such a weird thing for them. Granted, I don't know what people are doing in the privacy of their own homes, but I've been here for over 2 years, and it's like a shock to see people holding hands! I see nothing in the way of romance, and in this culture, for people like me and TK, we are of the age when people expect you to get married. I think maybe TK is afraid that I want to tie him down and get hitched - and that is SOOOOO NOT what I want. Not even close to that. And in my terrible Japanese I have explained that. And I KNOW love isn't based on physical attraction, but damn! I am starting to head down that "in-love" road.

It's weird for western women over here. They tend to have a harder time in the romance department because Japanese men tend to consider us "aggressive" whereas they are used to our more submissive Japanese counterparts. I was starved for attention before I even came here, and when TK took an interest in me, I just jumped on it (and him! HA! )

So tired and disappointed in myself right now. And very much wish TK was here too.

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Kelly, I 've read your journal and just wanted to tell you not to give up. You're doing a great job! Look where you were and where you are right now as far as weight and eating habits. Everyone falls off the wagon, some of us fall harder than others. Consider the small indescretions that you've had as bumps in the road, get past them and move on. I started having bumps like that this summer and just packed it all in, and packed on 40# in the meantime. I've become very depressed about it, but I'm determined to get the weight off. Learn from others' mistakes (like mine) and just keep plowing ahead, hon!!

((((HUGS)))) You really are doing great!!

__________________
There is NO such thing as sneaking food. Even if nobody else sees you, your ass always knows. -- Goddess

Jen
Started Atkins 5.5.03
196/175/155 6'0"
Started Schwarzbein 4.1.08
175/175/155

Hey, Kelly! Greetings from the good ole USA! I'm not glad you had a carbfest, I'm just glad I'm not the only one. I did good on Saturday, but not today. But, it's just one day, and as Rob said, we must remember the "don't beat yourself up" rule. I'm really not freaking out....I know I'm a low-carber for life. A part of one day isn't going to change that. So I had some junk tonight (I was pretty good until evening!) that I don't normally EVER have.......tomorrow is November 1st....seems like a good time to start out fresh!
I know you must be horribly homesick and the culture is so different there....so all I can do is sympathize and be a long-distance e-buddy to you! Ain't technology grand!? This little post will whiz all the way over to your computer in Japan in seconds....that's cool!
Let's just try to remember how good and in control we feel when we're eating clean. Take care, my friend!

__________________

Thanks for dropping by my journal, Kelly! And I think I WILL arrange for a motorcycle road trip with the hubby (WITH the helmet of course!).

I SO understand where you are right now as far as eating goes. I do well for weeks or months at a time, then fall and have a very hard time picking myself up again. Right now, I have a good LC breakfast and then sometime during the day I stuff some carby junk in my mouth... For me at least, I think my body is craving a sugar high because of the carb roller coaster I'm on right now, and it's trying to trick me by slipping something in before I notice!

Well, I'm sending prayers and positive energy your way! Hang in there sweetie!

__________________
Staci

Hi Kelly (one of my favourite names), thanks for visiting me the other day. You know, you already have half the battle won because you WANT it to be won and the desire for change is a huge step in the right direction. It is that old word `choices' that gets at us. Not so much what we choose to put in our mouths (although that sure helps) but what we choose to do with the messages that constantly invade our minds (and hearts). When we make the choice to do something positive with our lives there usually follows a chorus of silent but easy to hear voices telling us we just can't make it. We have heard them for so long that they have become very believable.

For me, I have come to a stage of my life where I accept that I cannot change a thing about yesterday. It could be the biggest stuff up of my life and I may regret it heaps but there is no going back to undo it soooooo I choose to live today and look forward to tomorrow. Sometimes in fact - things come down to the next hour - or (for me at one time of my life) the next minute. I can do anything in small sections - I can handle anything in small sections - I can make the wisest choices in small sections. The exciting thing is that a heap of small bits becomes one huge bit and I arrive at the end of the day able to reduce the sound of the negative messages that are commited to my failure.

It goes without saying (so I'm writing it that I don't believe people are failures. We may fail AT things but that's a very different matter.

Anyway - sorry about the sermon - I get like that sometimes, when I feel strongly about things and people and.....

Tomorrow you will wake up to a fresh new day - untouched - no finger prints. The first choice comes then!

Go well dear - Gabbie

__________________
"Even a tough journey can be fun - when a good companion travels with you"

Hey Staci and Gabbie, thanks for stopping in!!! Your words ring true, and I am encouraged to read them.

Okay. Here I go. Again. Induction starting NOW!!!!! I have allowed a little slip-up to morph into a very scary backslide, and I'm not having any more of it. I am DONE being a cheat, I am FINISHED feeling sorry for myself, and I am READY to be successful!!!! HEAR THAT WORLD??? I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!!!!

I will confess that my current motivation has shifted from that of improved health to something purely cosmetic. I want my parents to be STUNNED when they see me walk off that plane in December. :eyes: I want my mom to be speechless, and I want my dad to be inspired to also go low-carb. Last time I was on the scale (last week) I had 7lbs to go before I reached my 40lbs lost goal, so this is attainable.

I will eat clean. I will eat clean. I will eat clean. :fork:
I will drink ALL my water EVERY DAY!

I will continue to exercise (actually, during my sh**y month of October, exercise was the one thing I kept doing consistently!)

I am back in the groove and I am ready to kick some butt!!!

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Almost 48hrs. down, cheat-free! Have really upped my water intake - I have tracked at least 2000ml (is that 2liters? I always forget the conversion) each day, plus green tea. I'm so glad I like green tea, because obviously living in Japan it's EVERYWHERE and it's just so dang healthy!

Have been getting a little exercise here and there, walking back and forth to school, climbing flights of stairs,... My tv died so I can't do my TaeBo video, but I'm sure I could do some of it from memory.

Ahh, what to do about pseudo-boyfriend TK??? Talk about your cultural experience! It's so frustrating on a basic level because my language ability is so crappy! We have fun together, but when it comes to discussing feelings or anything deep, I just can't make myself understood. Gee, I suppose if I maybe, I don't know, ...STUDY I might just improve my Japanese!
Thought we were meeting tonight, but I guess not, so I am off to bed.

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Well, when TK and I didn't meet on Friday night, he messaged me on Sat. morning and wanted me to come over to his house for a while :eyes:. Had a nice snuggle and chatted a bit. First time I had ever been over there and it was kinda nice that HE initiated meeting at HIS house instead of mine.

Four days with no cheating!!! Feeling pretty good about that, except I think about cheating all the time. :( I'm trying really hard not to give into the "poor me" mentality and focus on changing my habits. Remember the mantra, Kelly: THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT!!!!

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen