Hi everyone! I've been reading a few journals and thought it might be a good idea to try keeping one for myself. I'm in a transitional period in my life and think that having an outlet/sounding board will help to keep me on track.

I got hired for a new job recently (which i will be starting 3/11/05) and I will be going to work friday night at 6pm and will work straight thru till sunday night at 6pm, and that'll be my full 40 hour week. (don't worry, sleeping is allowed! LOL) I'll be working at a group home for the mentally handicapped. I've done this type of work for the past 3 years, and it's wonderful, however i've never worked the weekend shift before. I'm a bit worried that with all that free time on my hands it will be harder for me to maintain a LC WOE. Although, I am hoping to be able to go back to school in the fall, for social work.

I am 31 years old, and as soon as I have the money, I plan on filing for divorce from hubby. I thought he'd pay for it, but i should'a known better that THAT! LOL We've been seperated for 2 years, and he lives in Kentucky now (I'm in texas). I moved in with my sis (about 180 miles from home) at the beginning of the year, and am working on getting my life where i want it to be. And a major part of where i want to be is Thinner! lol

I've been fat my whole life, and I've hated myself for this more than anyone who knows me would ever believe. I'm the girl who looks oh,so confident; who's always smiling, laughing, kind and considerate. And I know why...Cause if I'm nice enough, or funny enough, or if I go out of my way for someone enough, then I might be found worthy of that someone's time and/or attention. I know how pathetic that sounds, but i want this journal to be a place where I can be brutally honest about myself. I believe it's what we hide from ourselves that is what truly hurts us. It comes out of hiding and undermines us when we try to help ourselves, makes us fear the person we Could be. Well I'm tired of balancing myself on that double edged sword -- hating myself because I'm fat, and easing that hate with a second helping of pancakes! It makes no sense, and yet it's what i've been doing my whole life!

And so I begin a new life with a new attitude and a new way of eating. And though I've only been doing this since the first of Feb, already i've made mistakes. Eating too much, or the wrong things or whatever. But instead of beating myself up, i chant to myself, "No one is insignificant, and you are not your mistakes!" I am NOT my mistakes....not the ones i made when i was 15, or last year, or yesterday. And so no matter what i did or failed to do 'yesterday', TODAY I WILL DO BETTER!!!

Geez, ya'll! LOL I just read over that last paragraph, and WOW don't I sound full of conviction and sure of myself? LOL Not entirely so. I'm scared, too. Scared that I'll slip back into the old, hateful ways of "gee, everythings fine, please pass the pancakes!" But I don't want to. I don't want to spend the next 20 years scared to walk into a store (or a bar, or a restauraunt, take your pick) for fear that i'll hear someone saying "boom, boom, boom" in time with my footsteps like they did in High School. Or hearing people laughing and KNOWING that they're laughing at me cause I'm so fat. Being fat (for me, at least) is like living in a hell you carry around with you. And dang it, I want heaven! I want bras that fit! I want cute clothes, and short shorts. I want to go out and not worry about trying to squeeze into a booth. I want to ride the roller coaster! I live less that an hour away from Six Flags, and I'm too fat to go there! How crappy is THAT?!?

Anyways, sorry about the ranting thing. I hope not all of my posts are this long! (but with me, ya never know!) Anyways, I just wanted to share with ya'll what's going on in my little elfin mind! lol

And thank you ALL for being here. You're journals are things of inspiration! And I've tried several of the recipies (trying tofu mac and cheese tomorrow), yummy stuff, man.

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150

Welcome Elf!!! Glad you have joined "the family"!!!

I love the title "Journal of Hope" - that is an amazing attitude and it will take you to amazing places.

Good luck on this journey! You have found the greatest place for support!

hugs
Kelly

__________________
Kelly
Highest recorded weight: 103.2kg/227.04lbs (03/15/08)
Current: 97kg/213.4lb-13.64
Goal:150
"Resensitizing myself to the urgency and severity of my weight problem is important in keeping myself motivated. I have to remind myself that my body will not tolerate this abuse forever." Jeannette Fulda, aka PastaQueen

Welcome Elf! I look forward to seeing you on the boards!

__________________
Cynthia

Thanks everyone for the warm support! It's appreciated I'm very proud of myself, cause last night i went out to karaoke at a mexican restauraunt.....and I didn't cheat! Yeah!! There were chips and salsa on the tables, and i really wanted some, but i didn't have any. I just kept reminding myself how dissapointed in myself i would be if i cheated. This restauraunt is cool, though, cause i learned that they can special make quite a few of their dishes to accomidate low carb diets! I don't go out to eat that much, and I wasn't aware that places did that. Now i know! Whoo, hoo! After karaoke, we went to Wal-mart, and I didn't get home till 5am, and I had to be at work at 9am, so I think i'm gonna go sleep like the dead, now. but first i'm gonna have lunch, pork roast and spinach salad. Laters.

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150

I don't really know what's up with me lately. For the last couple days, i've been wanting to eat everything I see! I mean, i'm proud of myself for my progress so far, and i haven't totally blown it or anything, but it's as if no matter what i eat, it isn't enough. My stomach is full, and yet i keep searching for something more to eat! I've stuck to the low carb foods, but i've really eaten way too much of them yesterday and today. Is this normal? I feel like i breezed thru the first few weeks and now nothing is satisfying me. I'm not craving any specific food, just have this compulsion to graze. Maybe it's boredom. The last few days, i haven't been recording my exact carb count. May be that's part of the problem. Tomorrow, i will record the carbs of everything i eat and see if that helps any.

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150

I have times when I feel like eating more or snacking more then I normaly do. It's more of a weekend thing for me. But I'm not really keeping track of how much I eat at all. It's more of paying attention to what I eat. I try to make sure I'm eating low carb foods and for me eating more then the normal has not been a problem. It takes some time to trust that eating LC things will just make you loose weight.

Thanks, edoggiee, that really helps.

K, so i went out with a friend of mine tonight...had a really good time. But I really wanted to dance, and i was too self conscious! I danced a little bit, but I was so worried about what i looked like all jiggling out there on the dance floor, that i quit. I can hardly wait till i lose enough weight to feel proud out there on the floor! lol Got home close to 3am, and i was starving! My sis and BiL went and ate japanese earlier today, and the left overs are in the fridge, tempting me....but instead i've opted for tunafish and pork rinds. Go me!

ok, and totally random thing: I love Bob Ross the painter guy. I was walking by the TV earlier today and his show was on (I didn't even know it still aired!), I sat right down in the middle of the living room floor and watched the whole show! LOL He's so calm and soothing; makes me feel like nothing's quite out of my reach! lol And he always says, "We don't make mistakes, we have Happy accidents!" How can ya not love a man who thinks like that?!?

Anyways, I'm off to bed like a herd of turtles! Love ya!

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150

Elf....welcome *hugs*

I saw so much of myself in your initial post it was scary!! There's so much of what you say that brings up things about myself that I too must conquer. Just remember, this is a journey. One in which you'll learn tremendous things about yourself that will surprise you as to how they relate to your weight. I too had a "dancing" incident last year....but you'll find as your self esteem/self worth increase as you go along this journey, that you will do things you've never thought possible. Keep it up

__________________
LC Since January 04
Highest Weight: 340
Rededicated 1/1/07: 295/ /240

“Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales”

thank you so much, knowlesDarlin! *Hugs* right back at'cha! LOL Already I notice a difference in the way I feel about myself. I think just knowing that I'm doing this wonderfully good thing for myself, makes me walk a bit taller, ya know?

I went to the store earlier to get cauliflower (to eat with my sisters etufee (sp?), and I got a diet vanilla coke to drink. I got home, and was grating up the cauliflower, when my sis looks at me and goes, "You didn't get a diet?" I was like, "Yes I did." She showed me the bottle, and it was NOT diet! LOL Thankfully I had only taken a couple drinks out of it, but I bet I would'a been wondering later why I felt so darn crappy! LOL
Also, my sis's etufee ROCKS!! So i'm gonna post the recipe under stews. She's been SO supportive of this WoE. She's modified several of her normal recipies to make them LC for me. And when she goes to work at night (she's a Dallas cop), she
leaves a list of what's in dinner and it's carb count. I am truly blessed with my family.

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150

P.S. Does anyone know why my signature isn't coming up on these posts? I have the little "Show your signature" box checked. Thanks.

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150

My sig doesn't show in my journal either...odd

__________________
LC Since January 04
Highest Weight: 340
Rededicated 1/1/07: 295/ /240

“Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales”

siggy usually only shows up on the first POST of each page...;-)

elf.... dang girl... you are one amazing woman... i dont know HOW i missed this journal... but i can ASSURE you... i will not do it again!

thanks for being here.. your honesty and your inspiration...
i love new beginnings and yours is a terrific one...
continued success! and best wishes on your new job and new (hubbyless) life...

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kims SECOND journal is HERE
kims new blog
KIMS BLOG !!
SUGARFREE BLOG

KnowlesDarlin - 164 sticks of butter! Can you imagine!?!?! That's enough for a Butter Bath! LOL I'm curious to know how you came up with that number? I'd like to know How much "butter" i've lost....

heyKim - thank you for the support! And i actually laughed out loud at the "hubbyless" life....That's too funny!

K, so I was gonna try and post my sister's so very yummy etufee recipe, however you have to know fibre count and saturated fat and such, and I don't have a clue how to begin finding that out. so if anyone wants the recipe, just email me and i'll send it to ya. That is allowed, right? Geez i hope so! lol
So I went out to karaoke again tonight, and had a Blast! as usual. And as usual, I was starving when I got home. My sister doesn't believe in "instant" food, and I don't cook, so I searched forever before I finally decided on scrambled eggs and Spam (and carb free ranch poured on top of everything), yuck, i know but i like it! lol Anyways, I'm always hungry when I get home late at night, and since I really don't wanna cook, I'm thinking it might be a good idea to keep some of those atkins shakes in the fridge? I've been looking for a low carb jerky, but so far they all have 5 or so per serving, and that's just too many for me to justify.

Night guys, and love ya!

"The star is never lost once we have seen; We always may be what we might have been!"

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150

Hey Elf!!

One pound of butter is 4 sticks. I have always found it to be a great visual of how much I've lost.

As for the late night eating thing....*shudders* Spam, bad childhood memories there LOL. Have you tried keeping some pepperoni slices on hand, or making deviled eggs/hardboiled eggs ahead of time and in the fridge? Those are my two standby's for quick things. Plus there's always cheese. Just some ideas!

__________________
LC Since January 04
Highest Weight: 340
Rededicated 1/1/07: 295/ /240

“Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales”

Ahhh, cheese! I love cheese! lol I especially like it melted on a plate with cold sliced dill pickles, yummy! Thanks for the butter conversion, 'Darlin, that means i've 'misplaced' 60 sticks of butter!!!!

I am SO excited! I woke up this morning with this intense feeling that i needed to be doing Something constructive today. So i've called all my old friends and I'm going HOME for a visit!!!!!!!!! Leaving today in about an hour, and I'll probably be coming back tuesday! I haven't seen anybody from the home town since the end of december, and i am totally stoked to be going to see them again. This is the first time since I was 12 that I've lived away from there (i'm 31 now), and I miss all my old friends much more than I realized till I started calling everyone to get them all together tonight! I can barely sit still! LOL Right now I'm waiting on my sister to get ready for work, so I can drop her off on my way out, so BiL will have the car for church toinght. Anyways, just wanted to share the good news!!! Love ya!

__________________
The important thing is not what others think of me,
but what I think of me.....
I think I am deserving of my own happiness.
I think I am worth my own best effort.

Love, the elf
278/259/150