I thought I was a low carb veteran. This time last year I had successfully lost 60 1lbs in 6 months. I thought I was in control. I gave advice and encouragement to others because, "hey, I had this woe figured out", wrong, wrong, wrong.

I have gained 48 of those 60 lbs back so I'm very much obese at 248 lbs. I am ashamed. I am embarrased to post on any threads. I lost my way.

I'm hoping by trying to journal I can find my way back.

I tend to block my feelings with invisible walls. If i dont feel it, it isnt real. I have so much fear. I am afraid of failing. The paradox is that i am my worst enemy. I know what to do. I have the 7 keys to weight loss freedom. I know the value of exercise. I know that low carb has worked for me and calmed the 'sugar addict' in me. So why do I resist taking care of myself? Why do I subconsciously think I deserve to be in pain? Because I am in pain. I dont respect myself. I despise my weakness as I stuff 8 candy bars in my mouth not even tasting anything but a waxy feel. Its not about the food is it?

I'm on day 3 of induction. I'm attempting to keep all negative thoughts out of my brain. I can do this. The past doesnt have to determine my future. I can make a new pattern of living if I choose to. The momentary squashing of the hunger with 'no' 'no' s do not satisfy the larger hunger of my soul to be something more than what I've been.

I have no circle of support. Thats why I came back to LCE site. I see names that were here when I tried before. They havent quit. Not everyone quits. If they dont quit that means I can learn to not quit.

I am so afraid. So afraid. I feel it in my bones. The anticipation of what if. It can go either way. What if I really take charge and take care of myself each day from here on out? I have never done this consistently. Can I change? Will I change? I want to. I am not a quitter. I am trying once again and will keep trying if I should fall or when I may fall. I am not alone even though I feel lonely. I am tired of hurting. I have been so worried about other people hurting me that I have all these walls around me yet I am the one hurting me the most. I dont like how I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually when I give in to unhealthy fleshly desire such as overeating or eating in an unhealthy way for me. So if I continue in the pattern of the past, I am the abuser of myself. I deserve more. I have a right to be. I cannot compare myself with others because that isnt fair. I can only do my best.

I was so excited last time. I felt sucessful. Each morning when I woke up and knew the cheat I had was just a dream in my sleep, that I had really stuck to my plan one more day.. I felt happy. Almost felt high, giddy. I knew I was going to succeed. I was on my way.

I am afraid to be excited. I dont trust myself. I havent kept my own promises. I wish food was not part of my life. If I could just get rid of it like i did cigarettes. I feel better when I dont eat at all until the headache comes. Food is my drug. It sedates me. It has been my valium. I cannot kick this drug on my own. I beg Jehovah to help me overcome my weakness. I also hope this LCE community will be a support.

Im hoping by facing these thoughts that run through my mind, I can learn to manage the fear. One day at a time. this is day 3. Today is April 19, 2005, I weigh 248 lbs and I admit I am a food addict and i cant do this on my own.

Kerry

Kerry...first, let me welcome you back and yes, you will find a circle of support here.

Your first journal entry touched so many familiar strings within myself and I simply want to reach out to you and offer my own support to you and in that, some wisdom. There will be many ups and downs in this journey towards health...but I'm sure you know that as you've lost 60 lbs. successfully in the past. It is those bumps in our road that teaches us not only about ourselves, but new ways to deal with situations. Look at this as a time to relearn about yourself, and another chance to love yourself in ways that you have not yet experienced. What an exciting time this is! You will find things about yourself that you adore that you never recognized...and be able to modify those that perhaps you don't care for. Be honest with yourself...and the only option you will have is to succeed!!

I wish nothing more for you than wonderful insight into yourself and this journey...and I will be checking in on you, if you don't mind

__________________
LC Since January 04
Highest Weight: 340
Rededicated 1/1/07: 295/ /240

“Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales”

Hi Kerry and welcome back home,

I can feel your pain as you describe your feelings regarding your past eating. I think a lot of us have experienced similar feelings of dispair at times. I personally have gone on and off this woe numerous times. And it can hurt a lot if you view yourself as a failure. Yes you slipped up....and regained. In that regard you are in good company here. There are a precious few of us that haven't been there, done that. In fact I would say it is the rule rather than the exception that we will slip up...we are after all human.

The good news is that you do know the woe. The same basic ideas still apply. You can have confidence in it's effectiveness. You can feel the excitement again if you really commit to following it. You know it works. And LCE is still here. (Thank you Andrea)

I encourage you to keep posting. You can find the support you need here. You already have taken the biggest step. Don't you feel a little relieved already?
We can do this!

__________________
keep on keepin on

As of 1-3-2009
213/213/180

Hi Kerry,
Just dropping in to say Welcome back home
This IS a terrific place for support and help along your journey. Please post often and let us know how you are doing and hollar if you need a hand, or a shoulder to lean on.
As Gregg said, there are many of us here that have had to climb back on the wagon one or more times
You can do this!!! Read your book, drink your water, start your exercise program, come here for support, and above all...be kind to yourself You DO deserve it!

Welcome back!
Shelley

__________________
~~~~
Shelley
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Visit Kassie's Korner



Life deserves a treat now and again, but life also deserves being healthy[with required disipline] to make it worth living!

Thank you all very much. I was scared to see what might be said. It helps to hear your encouragement and see that nobody hit me in the head with a baseball bat or anything. lol

It also helps very much to be reminded that I'm not the only one who has done this. This journal is my effort to do something different this time. to admit to my inner demons as they happen and find support along the way..

thank u all again.

Welcome home. You're not a loser - you just (as you rightly said) lost your way. No humble pie is to required to be eaten. ( I hear it's VERY high carb, BTW.)

Here's something I wrote a while ago... I think you'll relate.

We have a wonderful bunch of people here. And we're glad to have you back.

Andrea

Kerry, when I saw your name, I was reminded about eating grapefruit. Maybe you posted about that in the past? Anyway, I think Knowles summed up my thoughts with hers.... DO be honest with yourself and US. Do modify whatever in your life you need to in order to succeed.


I belong to a "Dr.Phil-good Girls" group of women that meet every Monday night at our local Starbucks. I tell ya, I wouldn't miss one of our meetings for anything. Maybe you could go to Dr.Phil.com and try to find a group in your area.

I LOOOOVVVVE LCE for everything to do with my menu (I hate the word "diet") and lots of other topics, but with my support group, we are delving into the "what's eating us" more so than what we are eating. So, my support is 2-fold: here and my ladies group.

Just know that you can ask for help here. I have fallen off the LC wagon and so have most people here. Sugar is a very powerful drug to those who have ever been hooked on it. Please stay in touch and know we care.

__________________

Kerry, a few things. You are not alone, we are here for you. It's ok that you are starting again, don't be afraid to succeed. One day at a time right now, maybe one hour. Post often. You can do this, you can.

__________________
Ozzie's Place

You are not alone and you only fail when you stop trying to succeed...YOu can do this!

__________________
Lori

232/190/130
My other journal http://www.lowcarbeating.com/bb/showthread.php?t=1130

hey kerry...
what an amazingly honest and powerful post...

i am so glad you have come here.. and i am really happy to see you make a fresh start...


one thing that stuck in my mind was... you KEPT TWELVE POUNDS OFF... hey.. that may not be what you had PLANNED.. it might not have been your GOAL.. but you DID keep 12 of those pounds off..

and so... here we go... starting off at this new point... heading toward MORE success..
yes. .. MORE success... because to me.. having kept some weight off IS a success...

not enough for ya? GOOD!! that means we all get to watch you go further THIS time..

i for one cant wait!

welcome home lady....;-)

kim

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kims SECOND journal is HERE
kims new blog
KIMS BLOG !!
SUGARFREE BLOG

Thank you ALL so very much.

Tears are rolling down my face as I write.

I read the link Andrea and I totally relate. The numbness and walls I have around my heart makes it hard for me to understand what I am feeling. You helped me put a finger on some it as did other posts. I have such a need to be perfect, in control, to not be a victim. I realize I am my own persecutor but couldnt figure out why. I have a feeling if I am honest with you all, I will be helped to sort this 'stuff' out.

The reason I am starting with journaling here is because of the intense shame of Kerry the Rock having crumbled. I couldnt face anybody. I felt I let everybody down and they would be just as disgusted with me as I am with myself. Happily, Happily, Happily I was wrong. Every post I have received, and so quickly, is testimony that my thinking is warped. I'm so glad to know it.

I didnt realize Humble Pie has so many carbs. That made me laugh. I will stop eating it pronto!

Nights are the hardest. I had urges last night to eat for the wrong reasons. I had to keep pushing the sabatogueing? thoughts away again and again. After all I am a fraud and I know the real truth about myself. I dont have a track record of being consistent with anything that matters. My real self is a fat failure. Tell the truth, go ahead, stop suffering, eat something, u will feel so much better.

I did NOT give in! Yay, Yay, Yay. During the light of day and after reading the posts above I can really see how erroneous my thoughts were. I checked my ketostix this morning and I'm purple and this validated for me that I really am following induction. It is real, I am real, I can do this. I am not imagining it.

I am hoping that ketosis will help these mind wars get less intense. It is a war. I cant win this by myself. I am happy to be home and I will reach out by being as honest as I can with myself and anyone choosing to read my journal. I have trust issues. The closest people in my childhood and then my marriage betrayed my trust. I havent known what a real home is like. I've heard home is a haven, a soft place to fall. I am ready to trust myself. I am ready to trust my family here at LCE. Hugs to all.

Kerry

I made it this day. ACV shot in am.. gumbo lunch. pork steak green beans supper. Went for 40min brisk walk...took 3 hours to actually do it from the time I put my tennis shoes on but I did it is the main thing. Drinking water all day. Have headache coming on but I feel alert..

Kerry....I too fight the urge to eat at night. It's been such a conditioned action for me to snack while watching TV or whatever else. I've learned for me...that it's a boredom with myself and not knowing what else to do. It's like I can't just sit and not have food near me.

You describe it as a mental war....good analogy. Now try to look at it as a journey to find out what it will take to win that war. Because you can...and will!! It's a chance to discover why it is you want to eat at night...and what you can do to change that habit that is so deeply embedded.

As you said...YOU CAN DO THIS!!

GREAT job on the ketostix! I am one of those that those things stay negative for life LOL. Glad you got to see something confirming what you are doing...and that you are doing it right!

Keep it up...we're here for you

__________________
LC Since January 04
Highest Weight: 340
Rededicated 1/1/07: 295/ /240

“Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales”

Knowles, what an inspiration you are. You are doing so good!

It is interesting to really think about why we do certain things. I almost think I have got into a habit of using food as something to do when ever I feel some type of discomfort even being sleepy. I'll have to pay more attention.

I know i have used food for all the wrong reasons and continuing this way is not working for me at all.

High Carb food is like medicine with horrible side effects. It fills a deep hunger that low carb foods dont fill. I can eat a low carb meal and feel 'empty'. This empty feeling is not related to hunger I guess but must be emotional type needs that arent being filled. High Carb sedates me and takes that emptyness away for awhile but its only a bandaid for what's really wrong. I know i'm on to something but I dont know where to go from here.

I have eaten clean all day but have this urge to stuff myself to get rid of the discomfort. I know this will be a downward spiral and wont solve the real issues. I think life overwhelms me at times and I have a mini panic attack. I go through the day and dont quite know what to do with myself since I'm not zombied out on sedating foods.

I will go take a walk. I will be proud of myself for doing it. An inner voice just complained!! Says I should just keep my bootie in the chair and browse the internet. Maybe I have a split personality. Lol. I'm going to go on the walk anyway. "They" say i will feel better if i make a habit of walking..

Klr

You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I also feel some of what you are feeling. I've lost all my weight twice and here I sit at 344LBS! I want to lose weight more than anything in my life and struggle each day. If it's any consolation, I'm with you but you are 3 days ahead of me many pounds less.... so see, you could be worse off. WE CAN BOTH DO THIS!