Thread: The Living Room at GeeGee's House

By the end of Saturday, my sister said she had the best birthday.
On Sunday, I was frustrated because I measured myself and I weighed myself and the numbers were the same as they have been since...forever.

I dragged myself out to have brunch with my bff at Van Dyke.

We go shopping. We end up at BCBG MaxAzaria. Im helping my friend pick out dresses and she finds a shirt that she "knows would look great on me." I decline. I say, "Its too small. I cant shop here. I will never fit into anything in here."

She says, "Try it on."

I did. It fit.

So, today was the day that I can finally buy trendy clothing at regular shops.

Job hunting is the worst! Congrats on the job and fitting into the top you thought would be too small...It IS a good day!

Ok. I havent written anything in a while. I made great progress by finding a job and by finally fitting into clothes at "regular clothing stores."

I spent the last week at home catching up on sleep, and hanging out.

I got my hair styled.

I got invited to two parties which will be filled allegedly with attorneys and other professionals. I feel honored and appalled at the same time. Like a guppy who is invited to swim with the sharks. Yes, like a small fish who probably needs to watch her back.

I am going to go shopping this morning.

I havent worked out in the last week, but I have been walking ALL over South Beach.

I get the Bar results tomorrow. I've been panicking for a week now. I ate a pie. An apple pie. I dont even like pie. The good news? It took me three days to eat it. I STILL eat instead of dealing with my feelings, my stress, my emotions.

I've identified. I've stated it. The first step is admitting I have a problem.

Ok. I ate fish sticks. 44 come in the giant box that I bought. Over the three days, I ate them with tartar sauce because quite frankly, I really wanted to eat the tartar sauce but then that's just indecent.

Yes, its odd that I found it problematic to just eat three tablespoons of tartar sauce even though my doggie was the only one in the kitchen with me.

I ate beignets (cute word meaning "french doughnuts"). This concoction of flour, yeast and water is fried and rolled in actual sugar. Heck, I was already down the sugar path since munching on the apple pie filled walls of the sugar witch's house in the high carb forest.

I ate bread. Not a lot. Seven slices on five different occasions.

I ate french fries. A few hamburgers (see bread above). Half a turkey sandwich.

Ben and Jerry's Butter Pecan ice cream. 2 pints. One pint on two different occasions.

The scary news? Maybe the following is actually good news. I'm not looking for an excuse--I'm looking for an A-HA! moment so I wont be doing this crap again.

I didnt eat enough HC food to send me spiraling out of control. Apparently with me, there is a difference.

Usually when I fall off the LC wagon, I gorge myself on every single morsel of HC food I can find. Usually I secretly eat crap I shouldnt be eating and appear to others (read: my dog) that I am still LCing. Usually I step up the workouts to compensate or overcompensate.

This time I was openly, knowingly breaking my lifestyle because I am worried. It was last Friday, the 9th, that I got another call for an interview. A woman who called and said, "GeeGee, please check your results. You will get them around 10am on the 19th. If you all four categories are marked yes and you are ready to be sworn in, please call me back for an Interview." I said yes and thanked her because she is J.C., a kick butt attorney that I would consider forking over my right eye to work with her. Who needs depth of perception and peripheral vision when I could be working with J.C.? Besides, I think eye patches are sexy as "all get out." For those of you who think I might have lost it, wait til you hear what I think about having a hook for an arm (and perhaps it is the hook that leads to the eye patch after some impulsive scratching...I dunno, I havent seen the research on that.)

I assume as I write this, someone out there in LCE.com is reading along and following my mania.

Yes, I already have a job. Yes, you would think I would have thanked the kind woman for her offer, informed her that I have already taken a job. I should have smiled at the fact that my resume is impressive enough that I warranted an interview "pending a positive test result." I should have gone to take the "physical" for my new job and returned home to work out.

I should have done that. Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

I did take the physical. I passed the breathlyzer on the spot. That should have given me enough motivation to feel like I am in an "okay" place and enough to spur me into healthy living and increased fitness.

But no.

I didn't tell the woman I already had a job. I didn't come back home after the physical to work out.

I panicked instead. It is frightening the power I've given this Bar Exam and its results. I am completely freaked out by the notion of having my entire life decided by the mid-morning click of a button on Monday.

Yes, the rational person inside me (she lives next door to the healthier thinner person inside me) knows that this test IS ONLY A TEST. I know that there are other things in life that is FAR more important.

So, I KNOW this.

But, still--the panic brought on by the pending results of this test turned into a 10 day bacchanalia. Yes, there was drinking. The aftermath of my food fest left a wake of mojitos (3-- I think), martinis (3--I think), and fortune cookies (the drink not the cookie at the end of a chinese meal even though they do put one as garnish on the drink and I think I only had one--drink, not the cookie--work with me people.)

I've struggled with birth order issues for most of my life.

I also know that for most of my life, I defined myself by my achievements. Once the "baby in the family" and the prettiest due to being number 4 of 4, I was soon displaced as the prettiest by onlookers when the baby fat didnt fall away as puberty neared. I was a BMW of sorts -- body made wrong. So my two older sisters became the "pretty ones" (pretty would turn to sexy later, but thats a whole other story) and I was one of the smart ones. I was the naturally smart but rebellious, smart-alecky one who defended my right to pork up at will. My sister was the disciplined one who watched what she ate, studied hard to earn her good grades and always spoke appropriately.

In short, we were like Germany and Japan. Similar yet different due to approach. She would always say she was Japan because she was smaller; I would claim Japan because as a loner, I was more like an island. Kids.

But I digress.

Arguably, I'm not the fat one anymore. The OTHER sister (not Germany) who is 5'2 and nearing 170 has replaced me. [And secretly, when I was a child I prayed for her to know the pain of being the pudgy one. Of having everyone comment about your weight. The universe has a sense of humor. I feel guilty sometimes because I think its all my fault for wishing her fat when I was a kid...especially since we are all adults now and now I would NEVER wish a weight loss journey on my worst enemy.] I've suggested LC to her many times, but she isnt ready. I understand, clearly I'm not all that ready if I keep solving my problems by overindulging in foods that do not move me towards my goal.

So, I'm not the fat one anymore. But my life is in a shambles. Long story.

This nine day detour is not so much about a carb addiction, or a sugar addiction. It about the redefinition that comes along with weight loss. I look in the mirror and I still see a fat person even though I can fit into smaller clothing. I make comments that people saw as funny when I was fat and they now view those same comments as cruel (apparently losing weight places you into another social category). I've become a Heather of sorts. No longer a "smelly Nelly with the jelly belly."

This is about feeling displaced, worrying about finding a place that makes sense to me and using food in an inappropriate manner to soothe the insecurity and anxiety that comes along with this big old change. I have to learn how to dress all over again. Not just as a lawyer, but as a woman with curves in the right place. My makeup is different now. The stuff in my closet fits differently. I look better in styles that are cut differently than what I used to wear.

A salesperson brought me a pair of pleated pants. I was appalled. Didnt she get the memo--this fat person doesnt look good in pleats. mmm, pleats. They fit like a dream, the one where I'm dating Jared Leto and he's trying to get into my pleated pants.

I am worrying about a problem that hasnt even arrived and for the last nine days, I used food and beverages to soothe my anxiety about these test results. If I were an alcoholic--it would have been liquor. If I were a drug addict -- it would have been my drug of choice. If I were an exercise addict, I wouldnt be on this disquisition.

Yes, I made a choice. I could have come here eight or nine days ago. I could've stemmed the tide eight or nine days ago. I could have put the pie in the freezer. I did buy seltzer water instead of soda. I made cheeseburger pie and portabello pizzas. They are in the fridge. Untouched.

And its 11:11 am on Day 9, I'm heading to Emeril's at the Loew's. I know what I'm going to wear but I have NO idea what I'm going to eat.

Dagnabbit.

I didnt make it to Emeril's. Went instead to Van Dyke Cafe and it was a good thing. I ran into one of my classmates from Undergraduate. It was SO nice to see her.

We exchanged numbers. I cant wait to meet up with her. She was such a memorable part of my college experience.

I had the colby cheese omelette. Tomatoes instead of potatoes. A slice of sourdough bread bringing the total to 8.

And the chocolate souffle was fabulous.

Its too hot and humid to go shopping. I will go tomorrow. After I check for the Bar scores.

Ugh.

Waiting to hear...waiting to hear....waiting to hear....We are all here for you regardless of the results you know.

:hot:

I passed!

:crying:

Hurricane Rita is on her way....
:bellydanc

I worked out today!!!!

Woo hoo!! Way to go! :jump: :jump:

Hurricane Rita passed over my area with minimal damage. I keep mulling over the event of the past few days. People are skiing in the streets of Key West. I made a good decision not to move there. Right now, I would be displaced, worrying about black mold, flooding in low lying areas and all sorts of damage.

I decided it was time to do something about the hundreds of books that are stacked in my living room.

I went to a few online bookstores and started listing the books. I even managed to move one of the cabinets into the bedroom. My place looks much bigger. And neater.

Tomorrow I will move the other one to the other side of the bed. I am not sure why I didnt do this in the first place.

Another step in a positive direction. Soon, I will have the room I need to have my living room furniture delivered.

Tomorrow I need to go shopping. I couldnt go today or yesterday due to Hurricane Rita. I am going to a "mingler" on Friday and I need a nice outfit to wear.

I used to dread shopping but I'm kinda looking forward to trying on new clothes.

Huge congrats on passing the bar!!!! (not that we ever doubted it!)

Hooray for you!!!!

:silly:

Thank you Crystalrp! It was touch and go for a few minutes there...

Today, I bought the Hoover Steam Vac and put it together. I managed to move the cabinets into the bedroom and they look pretty spiffy in there.

Now I have piles of stuff in the other rooms. Ugh.

I feel so much better now that I am actually dealing with the clutter in my life. Most ppl exchange one vice for another. I will try to replace my "overeating and inactivity" with an active social life and regular exercise. Instead, I have traded in the excess body fat for excess "stuff." Books. Papers. Lots and lots of stuff that I am not even using. So, I am tossing unneeded stuff as I touch it.

In a few more minutes I will fill the Steam Vac and use it to steam clean the bedroom. I've never steam cleaned in here before but I think it wise to steam one room at a time. I've never used this machine so I dont even know how long the carpets will take to dry.

Wish me luck.

Did not steam the carpet...yet. I needed to get a vacuum cleaner first and the Hoover cleaning solvent so I dont melt the seals.

My new job starts on Monday. Im excited. I'm glad I got the new pants.

Let me know how the steam cleaning goes - I'm thinking about getting the carpets cleaned, and would like to know how it goes...