I'm starting my first online journal to have another way of getting a raw look at me. I used to have diaries from way back when I was 9. I sometimes write in my children's journal. I have one for each of them that I started the morning after or day they were born.

This is different. This is all about me, for me, by me. I have come a long way in my life, but I have a long way yet to go before I'll be happy with me. I hope to continue to be happy with my progress.

I gave myself a fresh new start this past Monday the 8th. I spent over a year off plan and found myself squeezing into my fat jeans. What a horror! I remember when I bought those jeans. I had to have something that day and these were on sale. However, they only had a size larger and a size smaller then what I needed. So, I took the size larger and a belt. Now I have to work to get them on the first time.

I got a good look at myself the other morning in the mirror as I was getting into the shower. I don't generally bother looking until I'm dressed. I was very upset to see my body as it was. I had worked so hard for a year to lose over 90 pounds and now here I am 2 years after that and just as fat as I was when I started, but looking worse. It's enough to make me just want to quit.

I can't quit, I won't quit. I have plans, big plans. I want to run with my kids without worrying about my stomach jumping up and down. I want to be able to bike without feeling my gut squish when my legs come up. I want to get my kids into middle school without wondering if anyone has teased them because of how fat their mother is. Mostly, I want to be proud of myself and feel in control again. I also want to show my kids that it can be done, that anything they put their mind to and work hard at is possible. So far, I've failed them.

But, that is the past. I will not fail them or myself now. I never added an exercise routine the last time. I only started moving a bit more, but it was mostly hit or miss. This time I've joined the ymca (for the whole family) and I've already joined a class for people who like be haven't done anything like exercise in years. I'm also going in for a fitness screening. They'll take measurements, test my endurance etc. I'll have a good picture of where I am right now. I plan on doing it again 6 months from now so I'll be able to measure my improvement. I do have to say I'm not really thrilled to be putting a number on my fat content. I feel like I should have a warning label attached to my rear.

So far I am proud of myself because I was able to not eat popcorn at the movies on day 2. I'm proud of myself for giving the kids the two packages of Skittles I found in my purse, same day same movie. (2 packages didn't go very far when shared with 6 children) I'm proud of signing up for the y and the class AND the fitness thing even before I started eating correctly again. I'm proud that I drank my water and remembered to take my vitamins. I am proud of myself, I can do this, I will make my family proud of me too. I will be thin again!

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Michelle

Starting over 8/19/07

Yes, you can do it!

I read your post in the other thread, and it seems like you have overcome quite a bit in the past.

Just stopping by to say welcome, and we're all here to support your efforts!

Sounds like you've had lots of progress this week, so keep up the good work

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Tina

You did extremely well at the movies.:great:

Popcorn, my weakness and DW loves the stuff (so do I). Haven't been to the movies since getting back on track.
My hats off to you for getting thru the control of eating as well the "challenge" of going to the movies with such a group of kids.
Tom.

Every journey starts with a single step, looks like you took it
Hang in there!

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http://www.livejournal.com/users/junee/

Just wanted to chime in my welcome too! Sounds like you have all the tools for success - good for you! You have a wonderful attitude - keep that always!

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Angie



at least for now...

I've done well this week, now I have to get through this weekend. My niece is having a tea party birthday party today. I'm sure there will be plenty of things there that I won't want to eat. I'm planning on eating lunch before I leave, but they live almost an hour away. I am glad to spend time with the girls in the family though, it should be fun. (I'm taking my 9 and 7 year old girls with me) We'll all be dressed in our finest so pictures will be a must It will make a really great page in my scrapbook!

I'm still working on getting things in my life back together. This weeks goal was to get the toy room back under control. I haven't finished that job, but hope to before the end of the weekend. So far I have thrown out 3 trash bags of toys that were missing things or other wise broken. I've organized some of it and separated out a box of things to go to the kids flea market so my daughter can sell it. So I have made progress. The big problem is that the baby keeps sneaking in there to play with stuff so everyday I start over. The older kids have promised to help keep up with it once I'm finished, but until then they're only helping a little.

Food wise, I've done well. I recieved a shipment from Home Bistro and that has helped a bunch. The meals are really great, but I can't afford to use them everyday. Once school starts I'll have able to have a better schedule because football practise will go down to 3 times a week instead of 5 days a week and Sat morning. It gets hard to feed everyone dinner and not have it be at 8:30pm

Okay in the last couple of days I am proud of myself because I haven't given up. I'm proud of myself for setting new goals and not just with weight loss. I'm proud of myself for actively doing something to further those goals. Last night my husband and oldest son had popcorn and didn't finish it all. I didn't finish it for them, but threw it out instead. I'm REALLY proud of myself for that. I only thought of those poor starving kids in where-ever only once while doing it too. My mother would be so unhappy with me

Goals for this weekend: Finish the toyroom and put away the box to bring to the flea market. Buy the carpet squares for the living room. Stay on plan! Drink more water and less diet stuff.

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Michelle

Starting over 8/19/07

Michelle, you're doing really good. Don't pressure yourself and then burn out. Just take it easy, one day at a time. Have a nice tea party and you're wise to eat lunch before.

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Ozzie's Place

Thanks Kumus

biddy22, I'm working with everything I have to do it right and keep on keeping on. Nothings gonna stop me this time!

The tea party was really great. It was an Alice in Wonderland theme. My sister in law (the mother) dressed up as a card and all the kids dressed up. Several of us adults did as well. My MIL was especially dressed up with gaudy jewels and purple very big fake eyelashes. The kids didn't know what to make of her. I really love her and will miss her when she moves next month.

I got a call from her this morning asking if the girls were going to be wearing hats, gloves jewles ect. I hadn't bought anything special so I rushed out after football practise to get some things at the dollar store to dress them up better. They really did look cute together. I'm glad I did it, but it left me with no time to eat lunch before I went.

The cake was leaning cake just like in the book. The spread was really kid fancy and nice, but not low carb. I made a snack of 6 carrots and a handful of grape tomatoes, which I ate with the tuna scrapped out of premade mini sandwiches. I don't know what that means in carbs, but it wasn't much of a snack. The good news is, that's all I ate. I didn't crack and eat cake, I didn't touch the chocolate covered strawberries, I never ate a single cookie. I took pictures and held my baby niece and had some adult conversation.

I'm proud of me because:
I didn't cheat today even in the hungry face of temptation.
I got in around 20 minutes of solid swimming mostly with a child in tow (min 43 pounds)
I remembered how good it felt both physically and mentally to get some exercise in
I'm feeling better physically and mentally because of the good choices I've made this week

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Michelle

Starting over 8/19/07

So far this week so good. I'm still on plan. I'm visiting the potty more then I used to, thank you so much water I don't know that I feel thinner yet. I know I'm feeling the urge to visit a scale more and more now. I think I'll have to go out and get one tonight. I've just got to know where I am.

I finished off the toy room last week and really wanted to get a good start on my room, but haven't been able to start. I am going to get going with it today. Why, you may ask am I going through my house room by room? Well we're attempting to scale down the amount of stuff we have. The big plan is to hopefully move to SC next summer. The less stuff we have for the move the cheaper and easier the move will be. I did the toy room because it hadn't been thinned in a couple of years. It's amazing to think of the collection of toys not played with and broken that were squirelled away in there. I'm also taking my daughter to do a kids flea market in a couple of weeks to sell the usable toys we no longer need. She's excited to make some extra bucks.

So, my next goal is my bedroom. It's actually a pretty big job. It's been a place to stick things I didn't want the kids to get into. I also have boxes of clothes that I've been going through in there among other things. (clothes for all 8 of us from all seasons, a big job all by itself)

I haven't done anything since going to pool last about exercise. I'll be more free to do that once school starts up again. My big plan is do learn about the exercise equipment and do a little rountine and then swim laps. I'm able to use the childcare room for up to 2 hours a day for free. That should be plenty of time to workout, swim and shower. I think I'll do 5 times a week most weeks, simply because the weekends are hard to work around with both family and work.

I'm proud of me because:
I'm still on plan.
I still have a plan and goals.
I'm making progress toward my goals.

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Michelle

Starting over 8/19/07

This past weekend we took the kids to Baltimore. We went to Fort McHenry, walked through the USS Constellation, the Aquarium and Port Discovery. They had a good time through most of it. We rode on the water taxi over to Fort McHenry. It was a lot of walking for the whole family. I chose not to stay on plan this weekend. It wouldn't have been impossible for me to stay on plan, but it would have made it difficult for the whole family.

I didn't go crazy, I ate normal portions and and stuck with water and diet soda. I did eat a little pasta yesterday and the chicken had breading (which I ate). It was a great Italian meal though and we all had fun. No guilt, just a choice I made.

This morning, I was back on plan and eating low carb. I had a great big cup of water too. One good thing about not getting a scale is not knowing how much this weekend put on. Of course, I could feel it in my jeans anyway. I know most of it (if not all) will be water weight at this point. I'm not worried about it. I've changed my way of eating forever, which means that from time to time I will make the choice to eat off plan. No guilt. I will simply make the choice to eat on plan and keep going.

School starts for my kids this Thursday. That means my exercise plan also starts this Thursday. I'll just add swimming for now. I'll be going to the gym when preschool starts in September.

I'm proud of me because:
I allowed myself to choose to eat off plan without guilt
I got right back on plan and kept going
I'm ready for the kids to go back to school (no last minute shopping the night before school starts)
I'm ready to add regular exercise to my life

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Michelle

Starting over 8/19/07