JGirl - you nailed it when it comes to his being so unhappy and re-routing his anger and frustration onto me. It is so sad. He has so much potential, but he'll go nowhere. I wish I had someone around me that supported me, and was more ambitious. Thus the reason I have a crush on a guy at work, but that's another can of worms. May not be the answer to my misery, but it keeps me dreamy and gives me hope.

I did say the "three day a week" thing, but didn't throw the drug thing in his face. My DD had just gone to bed, and I didn't need him yelling. He goes "OK, well let's see how you like it if I'm working five days a week?" and I go "what do you mean?" and he goes "well, I won't be here to help with Sydney." and I said "and how will that change anything?" Because really, he USED to be more of a hands-on dad, he had to watch her three days a week, but now she's in full-time daycare, which costs us an additional $700/month, and he wanted this so that he could do more work around the house, which hasn't happened, so really, I wake her up, get her ready for daycare, go to work, pick her up from daycare, feed, bathe, read, play with her, put her to bed. He watches TV. I actually get more done around the house when he's gone to work, because I don't have the added distraction. So, it would be great if he could go to work 5 days/wk. But trust me, that won't happen.

I'm going to create a plan, and hang in there for a while. Right now, with both of our incomes, we get the bills paid. I'm going to keep pursuing my business on the side and get my debt down to zero. I"m going to save up 3 mths worth of living expenses. I"m going to keep the gym membership and get to goal weight. Then, when I don't have to worry about weight loss or finances, I'll be free to go.

__________________
Niki
235/206.0/139
LCing since 8/21/04; Restart 1/28/08

Weight 205.8 BF 45%

Cool - down almost two pounds from yesterday! I knew a lot of this was water, but I'm sure the three mile run last night helped!

I just listened to a great recorded call for inspiration - if anyone wants to listen to it, dial 617-588-6562 and choose #2 for recorded call.

It is about The Gap Between Knowing And Doing. Isn't it funny how we all know what to do to (1) lose weight (2) fix our marriage (3) make more money but then we don't really DO what we need to do to make it happen. Why? That's exactly it. Our WHY, or why are we doing this, has to come from the right motivating force. How many of us say "I'm going to lose weight, and then my spouse will love me more, or I'll be able to get a better job, or ????" Well, until that motivator it solely about you, you'll never really do it. Finally, just this year, I've finally figured it out. I was like that person - always wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons - to look good in other people's eyes at an event, or so that my husband would love me. But today, right now, my motivator is because I want it!!! ME ME ME ME ME!!!! I want to ski, skate, swim, hike, bike, play tennis. I want to lift my DD over my head without having back pain. I want to walk around the mall without sweating from excess weight. I want to live to see 100 years old. I want to wear a bikini on the beach. Finally, I am doing this for all the reasons that I want, not because I think it will make other people like me more.

It is so liberating to be in that frame of mind, that it makes saying no to the foods that sabotage my efforts so easy!

So, I feel great today! I'm pumped to make it a great day, so I'm going to go get a ton of work done and know that at the end of the day I was efficient, driven, motivated and successful!

__________________
Niki
235/206.0/139
LCing since 8/21/04; Restart 1/28/08

Niki, when your motivation is your health and your relationship with your children, then you will be sure to have success!

__________________
Nita

Your journal entry was very motivating! You really have hit it on the nose and you know what? You deserve this!

__________________

Niki...someone posted this in my journal on another site that i visit for my "curves plan." It touched me and i thought you would appreciate it to so i copied it and am pasting it here. have a great weekend

__________________
Vickie

Weight: 205.0 BF: 45% Loss: 9/80

A slow steady decline, I'm happy with that. My TOTM hit this wkend, so the water weight is going to play a part in my loss.

Vickie - thanks for that post! It is so true, that when you continue to get closer to your goal, it creates a power, a force, inside of us that when left unbridled, is unstoppable!


Hi Heather! Thx for checking in! I'll have to go visit your journal and see how things are shaping up for you...

I've been catching up on my sleep this weekend, so didn't get out for a run. Will get out there tomorrow morning.

This Wed/Thurs is my first overnight "business trip" with my "on the side" business. I've booked three meetings out of the city, my Director of Bus. Dev. is coming from Montreal to go on these meetings with me, and I am pretty excited! Then, on the Thursday night, I get to go to the opera, because my boss can't use his tickets. They are in a box, in our new Canadian Opera Company Theatre. It should be spectacular!

I truly am abundant! I am attracting wealth and prosperity into my life! On Thursday, I get to sit in the same seats as my boss, who makes a multi-million dollar income, sits. And I get to bring three friends - how great is that, to be able to gift someone wonderful opera tickets! I am pretty excited about this!

OK, well, I have a bit more work to do on getting my appointments ready for this week, so back to my biz! My girlfriend brought out a good point to me yesterday - we were talking about my business, and she said even if my DH doesn't understand or support me, this is something I HAVE to do. I really need to pursue something that is going to give me a sense of accomplishment, ownership, freedom. I've been working as an executive assistant for years and years, just to help someone else get rich. What about me? Right now, I've worked three years for a man that makes millions of dollars and he didn't even get me a Christmas present. I'm embarrassed for him. So, despite what my DH says, I must pursue this. He can thank me later when all our debt is paid off, and we have the cash to finally get this house done.

__________________
Niki
235/206.0/139
LCing since 8/21/04; Restart 1/28/08

You rock Niki!

__________________

I DID IT !!!

This past Friday, DH and I decided to separate. Probably for good. I said I had had enough, and he didn't fight me on any of it. The only thing he said was "well, you're going to have to give me time to get my affairs in order to find a place." That's it!
So, that's it. Ten years of marriage is over, and I'm back on the market.

I told my guy and he was like "Wow!" That's it. Well, in his defence, we did have a three-hour lunch and I got to spew for most of it. I don't think he really knows what he's doing. I think he flirts with so many women, but none ever reciprocate, so its harmless. Until now. But he was definitely a listening ear at a time when I needed it. And he has certainly given me my confidence back. I think that was what gave me the strength to call it quits. Just knowing that I can meet someone again (hopefully not married this time) made me feel free.

We've still just done lunch. In a way, its almost worse. I thought it was just going to be a lustful rendezvous, but there has been no physical, and yet we are totally clicking on a personal level. The chemistry is definitely there. Could be trouble.

So, that's the latest and greatest. Surprisingly, I'm doing great! Either I've mastered the art of suppressing my feelings, or this really was the right thing to do and I am totally good with it. The only thing that hurts is when I see my daughter and her dad together. Even the thought of it chokes me, that she's not going to have her daddy in the house every day. However, on that note, I think DH thinks he's now entering the world of free single manhood again, because last night I said "I hope you've given some thought as to where Sydney will sleep at your place." and he was like "what do you mean?" Uhmmmm???? You know, your daughter, that's going to live with you part time because we will have joint custody? Duh! He thinks he's now going to be a swinging bachelor again, poker night and movie night every night, while I do everything? Well that's kinda how it is now, but DREAM ON!

Anyways, my weight is still sound - I'm at 203 today, which means I'm maintaining. I did an hour on the exercise bike last night, but I really have to purge all the carbs out of the house again. Some left-over chocolate hearts from Valentines Day got the best of me last night. It is going to be SO MUCH EASIER to diet with DH out of the house - he loves to order in, which will stop, and he likes to have wraps and rice and muffins - stuff like that kicking around. Now, I can have all the foods that I want that will support my weight-loss goals. Yipeeee!!!
I'm having an amazing day, I don't know why, but I feel really happy. Hey, what's that sound? Its the sound of the chain around my ankle falling on the ground!

OK, so make it a great one everyone!!!

__________________
Niki
235/206.0/139
LCing since 8/21/04; Restart 1/28/08

Hi Niki, thought I'd stop by and see how your doing and it looks like things are really looking up for you. Glad to hear that you are happy. A house free of junk food...sounds like my dream house personally. Sometimes I wish that DH could move in the apartment across the hall. I'd never go over because I'm sure stinky socks would be lying all over the place never to be washed. Anyway, I'm excited to continue to keep up with your journal to see how things go. You are so close to onderland!! Don't worry about going off plan, you got back on and probably shook up your metabolism a bit to get you into onderland once and for all.

__________________

P.S. Please come over to the February Exercise thread. We would love to have you since you are another exercise fanatic. Pretty please with splenda on top?

__________________

Niki - If you're happy I'm happy for you! Sometimes just making a decision is liberating. probably why you;re feeling fine! Have a great day!

__________________

my blog

Hi Niki....congratulations on making a decision. I agree with Rob...just having the decision behind you can be sooo liberating. have a lovely day

__________________
Vickie

Thanks to everyone for the moral support! I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders (now I just have to get it out of my bed! )

Don't mean to sound mean.... In all honesty, provided my H doesn't take a bitter turn for the worse, I think we're going to have an amicable separation. We've been cordial with one another, and we're still sleeping in the same bed, until he moves out on April 1st.

Anyways, on with life!!!


Weight: 200.4 BF: 44.0%

I've lost the pounds that I gained while on vacation at my sister's Carb Cave! another half pound and I'll be in ONEderland! (BTW Heather, at first I didn't get it - I thought you spelled Wonderland wrong.... sometimes I'm a little slow, must be the ketosis ) Anyways, its not because of nerves or stress that I'm losing weight - its because I'm sticking to my commitment, which I'm pretty proud about. But, I have a long road to walk (or run or swim or bike). This winter radial around my waist has got to GO!!!

Took a day off exercise yesterday - just felt strangely fatigued, emotionally fatigued... Will try to pull out my DVDs tonight and get moving.

OK everyone!!! Thanks again for your cyber-hugs!!! As Tom Cochrane says, "life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long!"

Ciao for now...

__________________
Niki
235/206.0/139
LCing since 8/21/04; Restart 1/28/08

You'll probably have a few of those days as you walk through this separation and divorce. The demise of a marriage is a bumpy road...even when it's such a huge relief. Be kind to yourself and you'll get through it. With your spirit I have no doubt you'll land on your feet....and running!

__________________
Vickie

Thank you Vickie!!! You are right - I have to be kind to myself, too! So, I bought myself one of those pilates exercise balls!!! Now I can do core strength training at home, and there's so many other exercises. It came with a DVD for a basic workout, along with a tensor band for resistence training.

Just got back from the gym. Did 2.25 mile run and some ab work. Feel good!

Oh, just about forgot the good news...

I'M BACK IN ONEDERLAND!!!!

Weight: 199.4 BF: 44.0%

Feels good to have done that in a matter of a couple weeks! Especially with everything going on in my life! But its done!!! Now, on with the next 10 pound journey!

__________________
Niki
235/206.0/139
LCing since 8/21/04; Restart 1/28/08