I think I have been dieting all of my adult life. I've probably lost hundreds of pounds over and over again. Some days I think it's a wonder my heart hasn't given out due to the stress of the yo-yo-ing I've done.

Several years ago, I went on the Atkins diet and lost 30 pounds in 40 days...during Lent. It was my Lenten "sacrifice." By that summer, I was very discouraged that I had already plateaued and had 30 pounds left to lose. Someone told me to go off the Atkins diet for a while and then start over...to shock my body again. Well, I tried that. Now I have about 80 pounds to lose! And, I'm still struggling to get back to the low carb way of eating.

I recently left my abusive husband, leaving me alone with 3 kids. I lost my home, which I loved. I barely make it from paycheck to paycheck. And you know what they say when you're single...there are couples everywhere! I'm lonely, wishing someone loved me. I'm depressed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I spend a lot of time just feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know what else to do. I can't seem to find a friend for support with my weight issues...I don't know why.

So here I am, alone (my kids are with their dad), feeling sorry for my self and looking for help on the computer. I've never has a chat room experience. I just know there must be someone out there who I might be able to confide in and be accountable to. Someone who can help me dig myself out.

I'm hoping.
Judi

Dear Judi:

So sorry you have had to go through this... you are not alone. I, too, went through a very bitter divorce that took everything I had ever worked for..... my home, my retirement... my furniture..... BUT I had my children.... Those children were, and still are far more important than any monetary possession I ever owned. It took a while, but I rebuilt my life and obtain another beautiful home. Believe me, it was a struggle, but you can do it as well... As for the loneliness... I went through that as well and felt sorry for myself that my life had been changed so drastically for none of my own doing. One day I realized, just as you have, if I wanted to change my life for the better I had to do it for ME and my children. I struggled to regain my sanity and my self-worth that had been taken by an abusive marriage, but I did it. I now have a beautiful house, which most importantly, is really a HOME for my children, feel great about myself because I know the struggles, both financially and mentally I have gone through to be here today.

You can do this too! In fact, you have already begun a big part of bringing your life back together realizing that you are in need of help. You will not believe all the kind and supportive people on this board... there are a few who are really special and will check in on you daily.... to just make sure you are getting all the help you need.... not only with this WOL, but with your personal needs. Now, with all going on in your life, it is most important that you do not allow food to control you. It is time YOU control your own life again. It may take a while longer to achieve the results you did with your first experience with this WOL.... our bodies change and most do not get that great weight loss the second time around. But the important thing you have realized is that this is NOT a diet.... it is a WOL you must adhere to and follow for life... I eat better now than I ever have.... and feel great! I, for one, will be happy to give you all the support I can.... please feel free to send me a personal message at any time. However, you will find most here just as compassinate and willing to help you as I. I am glad you stumbled onto this board and I will hope you will continue to stay. If you have not already done so, read some of the journals contained here.... You will see we all struggle with our own personal lives as well...... You, indeed, are not alone. I will hope to hear from you again. Good luck with your new life... YOU can make it GREAT!

Rhonda

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Welcome Judi ! You've found a good home here at LCE. Rhonda gives excellent advice. She, as well as many others on this board will be a great source of support. And I can see that right now you truly need support. You are NOT alone. Visualize where you would like to be in one years time, in two years time. In five. MAke a list of what you want to accomplish in those periods. Not just weight wise but financial and romantic goals and any other personal goals you may have. I think You'll do well on this woe (way of eating) since you succeeded before and necause you HAVE found support! And Friends.

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Judi, you are taking the first step in your "recovery" by reaching out to others for help.

If anyone asks me, I always suggest 2 things: a good lowcarb plan and Dr.Phil. Weight issues consist of 2 elements (for emotional eaters): what you are eating, and what's eating you. Please make yourself at home here and feel free to not only explore the wealth of information here, but ask any questions you may have.

AND, spend some time on the Dr.Phil website. You may be able to find a support group in your area. His book: "The Ultimate Weight Solution" has some practical ways to help you explore your issues, resolve them, and set up your life for success...in the area of weight and other areas, too.

Just don't fade away. There are alot of caring people here that will help you if you let us. Be a friend to yourself and hang in there. When (I was going to write "if" but "when" is more accurate!) I get down, or off-plan, I come here and get re-energized. Patience is the key!

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Judi - One suggestion, Why don't you post this same message to the newbies forum or the ongoing weight loss forum? They get a lot more visits than south beach does.

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judi...
my husband left me with three kids under the age of three ... that was about 26 years ago... i didnt think ANYONE would ever want to be with me and THREE KIDS all babies really... i was a basketcase..
i met my present husband through some friends ... it was the best thing that ever happened to me AND my kids..
my sister helped with babysitting and emotional support..
i stayed with total strangers (who had less than savory friends around) i finally went to court reporting school and got a place of my own.. (i didnt finish that schooling ... met husband while going)
i took a year to figure out if it was a good thing to trust someone again... i still dont COMPLETELY trust ANYONE... but i try..
i have had some stressful times since then.. but being alone and abandoned was something i will always carry with me.. it was like a black hole that i didnt think i could get out of.. but i DID.. and you will too..
family can be helpful... for support... but they also can be too close to the situation to be what you NEED at this time.. sooooooo it IS good to have friends...

what rhonda and rob say is right... you CAN and will get support here.. reading the journals is invaluable ...

one thing i might add tho... i was really REALLY depressed ... and sometimes you need MORE emotional help with that than a friend or online friend can give...

if you have a doctor... check with them... tell them how you are feeling..
if you DONT ... check with a clinic that can help you through this time..

kim

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kims SECOND journal is HERE
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KIMS BLOG !!
SUGARFREE BLOG

Thanks for your reply. I was diagnosed with depression years ago, after the birth of my first son, 16. I was in denial for years, even through mild post partum. Now, at the end of a second marriage I thought would last forever, I can't deny it anymore. I have been in counseling and on meds for a couple years now. For now, they help me, so I'll stick with it. Makes me angry, though, that I have to.

My first husband cheated on me. I forgave him, but "she" won in the end because I could "take care of myself" and she needed him. I often think I would take him back, even after 10 years. Hmmm...Where's MY self-esteem? My current, but soon-to-be second husband was emotionally abusive...very insecure himself, so he took it out on me. Plus, he didn't want our kids...his were grown, and he had a "plan" that didn't include being strapped to kids for a second time. After 6 years of abuse, I chose to walk away from the so-called marriage. I have been a single mother of three since my daughter, 6, was born. Then, when baby number three, a son, 5, came along...our surprise gift from God (He does have a sense of humor!), I knew the end was near. Even at 8 months pregnant with our third, my "husband" left me alone for over 24 hours, knowing I was vomiting and running to the bathroom the whole time. My oldest found me collapsed on the bed in the morning and called the hospital. Several days, he also told my Principal and Ass't Principal and my colleagues and friends at my school where I was...turns out my "husband" didn't even tell them I had been admitted to the hospital severely dehydrated and with food poisoning. Months later, when the nausea finally stopped...Have you ever had food poisoning??...I asked him why he didn't take better care of me. He asked me what I expected...we had had a fight...he was mad at me. It took me just about 4 years to walk after that.

I thought about this site all day today, wondering if I would hear from anyone. I was releived when I saw that I had. All of you sound truly supportive. I feel validated.

You know how when you have something going on in your life, and you tend to talk about it all the time? And sometimes friends start to avoid you because the conversation is no fun? Well, I guess my friends and family are the best, because they never did that to me. They are ALWAYS there. But I decided that there are more fun things to do than talk about the dirty laundry. So, I just give the basics, get it out of the way, and move on to more fun topics. Even though I know they would not turn on me, I don't want to burden them with this stuff.

That's why I turned to this site. I think it is easier in some respects and safe to talk to someone who doesn't know me but has had similar experiences and struggles to lose weight. I think I found that.
Thanks.
Judi

Rob,
I may take your advice and check out the other site, too. I need to get a better handle on how this sort of thing works, though. I am new at this chatting on-line business...not exactly sure what I'm doing.
Judi

Maxibee,
Thanks. I LOVE Dr. Phil! I have the book, and he sucked me into his way of thinking years ago. The first shows I ever watched were a series on marriage relationships. I knew then that what I have is not a marriage.

I need Dr. Phil to send someone to babysit me while I fight this weight off. I am a BIG cheater. If no one sees me eat it, did I eat it? That's how I think. I am weak.
Judi

Rob,
Ok. Maybe that's the first thing I need to do. Write a game plan. How 'bout if I say that I will post that plan, or at least a short-term goal within a week? Can anyone hold me to that and keep me honest? By March 20th...a plan. Hmm...
Judi

Rhonda,
I feel like you...the townhouse I am renting is not my beloved house, but for the first time in many years, I call it home. And, I like being here.

I know things will get better, and I pray that God put the people in front of me whom I need for that to happen. But I also feel like I've had the air punched out of me. I really struggle to put one foot in front of the other some days (like when the kids are with their father). Thanks for writing me. I think I need to be here.
Judi

I have been divorced six years and I can assure you that THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE! And it doesn't have to be with another man.

It took a couple years and a few dates with toads for me to realize that I can be quite content on my own. I am blessed, however. I've not had to get through this divorce alone. I have a wonderful 17-year-old son who has grown into a great source of conversation, love, help.

These days, my biggest concern is finances. I work in a stressful, but low paying field and, one day, may need to rethink my career options. But for now, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table and the bills are getting paid--barely.

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Melissa

Judi.... so glad to hear from you again.... This IS a VERY delicate part of your life right now... and you do need the support from every angle you can retrieve it from. I speak from experience on that one.... I am so glad you have realized the components in your life that have brought you to this quandry in life. Being in abusive or unfaithful relationships 99% of the time will make the "innocent" person question themselves and their own self-worth. At the conclusion of that relationship is where we have to come to terms that we can truthfully only rely upon ourself for our own self-worth... happiness and ultimate goals and success with one's life. That is a BIG, HUGE step for anyone. While it does make us rise to the ocassion and bring ourself out of the deep, dark depression we have become accustomed to, it also makes us a little tougher, and harder to get close to with an intimate partner in the future. That being said, I do not believe it is a bad thing. Just realize that YOU have the inner strength to determine your own destiny..... If it is weight loss and better health for you, ONLY YOU can do that.....I can see you realize that now and that you are going to make a much better life for your children. Sometimes we think being alone is a bad thing, but reflect upon how being with that other person has made you and your children feel. While their absence on the weekends they are gone leaves a total void in your heart.... which I still experience myself every other weekend... you must realize that they are far better off out of a relationship that was not healthy for YOU..... When you find the happiness that you deserve to feel about yourself in life, you can be such a better parent to your children... I know... it took me too long to find it for mine, but finally I did........ that is why I can wake up every morning knowing that I am being the best parent and the best person I can be at this time in life. And even more importantly..... I am good to myself.... this is what makes me a better person!

Sorry to ramble on, but I have truly seen myself in your recent postings... and I know how it feels. Hope to hear from you again soon.

Rhonda

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Judi

I have also been in abusive situations and after my first marriage at only 20, my husband abandoned me and our baby! Just walked out with the clothing on his back, and didn't say a word to anyone! Took all the money out of the bank account too!

I ended up in a women's shelter and went thru a very rough couple of months! I followed him to another province because I wanted to work things out, but staying in a shelter was the best thing that happend to me and my son!

I was able to go to councelling and join a support group where other women who were going thru the same thing as I was could support each other.

Do you have a woman's resource center, or even a women's crisis line that you can talk about what your going thru? What about a *back to work* or *life after divorce* bridging program? I found them to be a great help!!!

Reach out and touch us! WE are here!

Rhonda,
I don't know why I started to cry as I read your last message. Maybe because you know. Maybe because it is way past the time when logically thinking people are in dreamland. Maybe because I blew it again today.

I'm at that stage where I think that my size is the only thing people see. My weight is on my mind 24/7...I can't get a break. Everything comes back to how much weight I've put on.

My eye-opener was last June when I discovered that I weighed 200 pounds. I immediately dropped 10 pounds! Then, nothing. Now it's March, summer is on the way, I'm praying for 6 more months of winter (yes, months), and I can't bring myself to face the scale. I would guess I'm somewhere around 210, but who knows?

I know that even when I lose weight, I'll still "feel" fat. I always have. It's just me.

Funny thing is, I'm not like this in any other aspect of my life. I'm a great mom, a good Christian, a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. I'm confident on the job. I'm talented. God did a great job with me, y'know? But this flaw of being overweight casts a dark (and I mean DARK) shadow over everything. In the normal course of my day, I'll pass by a reflection of myself and just want to cry. I can't believe I've let this happen to my body.

I'm beginning not to be able to do things easily...put my socks on...shave my legs...sit on the floor with my kids...(Heaven forbid!) sit on the floor of my classroom helping one of my 8th graders through fractions...and then get up gracefully. I just know all eyes were on me. I'm getting scared.

I didn't eat much at lunch today. My friend and colleague was out today, so I ate alone quickly and then did some catching-up-work. School lunches aren't the best, but the chicken quesadilla looked good today. Not the worst I could do, but not the best. Of course, better than the can of Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder in my lunch bag...without a doubt. The quesadilla was good but not much of a meal, so I did get hungry towards 3:00. Ate some peanuts. Planned burgers for dinner...mine with lettuce instead of the bread (messy, but I love it!). But I drank a 16 oz glass of milk with it. Lately, I've been craving milk like crazy (usually with cookies). It was years since I gave up milk; it's like a new discovery to me. I grew up drinking milk by the pint, craved it through all three of my pregnancies... But then, just as I finished, cleared my place, and waited for my youngest to finish their dinners, I headed for the cookie jar.

Ok. So there is some good in today. I did not eat any cookies. I knew I would have to come clean with someone when I checked in tonight, and I didn't want to have to admit to cookies. Especially since I can't eat just one. I mean, I would have to have had more milk and at least three...

I've also been thinking. I am sensing some "behind-my-back" kind of stress at work. Or maybe I'm fat AND paranoid. Some other time, maybe, I'll go into that. I'm not even sure if I've said what I do. I'm a teacher...special education (ED/LD)math...sp ed department chairperson...and I must always add...I LOVE MY JOB! But we have this principal whom many of the staff and faculty do not like. She is not one of my favorite people, but we have a great working relationship, and she alway has my back. I'm beginning to wonder if some think I'm a kiss-up. I'm not. I just like what I do, I'm very good at it, and no one can take away my passion. She and I had a rough spot here and there in the beginning, but I faced the bull head on. No problems since. Mutual respect...so many of my colleagues are afraid to be "real" with her.

Anyway, the sixth grade team I work with is not exactly cooperative nor are they compliant...has been problematic all year. I finally went to the principal...with her presence and support at a staffing, I finally got what was needed for the student. I've felt "funny" ever since.

Do you think I've rambled on enough for one evening? Sorry about that. Do you think I need someone to talk to? My 16-year-old is with his dad tonight (1st marriage), and my 4- and 5-year-olds are fast asleep. Yeah, I needed someone to talk to. Thanks for listening (again).
Judi

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Judi :bear: