Well..
Let me start by saying, I'm very self conscious about my body. From the sheer size, to the awkward gate, to a hormonal hair where hair shouldn't be, to my lack of conversation based on the fact I do nothing interesting, to my plain faded t-shirts.

It is very difficult, and very uncomfortable for me to be around strangers.. it takes me a long time to get to know people and losen up (in "reality")-I'm an open book on here! That, with the way I am eating now, and needing to have water more than usual during the day made me a sight nervous about the weekend with the hubby's relations.

Turns out that everything was fine. I was a lot quieter than I wanted to be, even though I had a thousand things to say in my mind, my painful shyness got the best of me. I did have just a little one on one with each of the 5 family members when they caught me sitting quietly away from the others. Grandpa even caught me in a quiet moment and recited some of his own beautiful poetry to me, uncle taught us a new game, aunt was a laugh a minute and loved horror flicks as much as I do, the 2 sweet grandmothers, each bound by aged and disabled bodies were also very welcoming to me.

Why can't I get past myself in order to have fun? I didn't go on a little 2-person fun boat they had, because I was afraid my side would sink as I was so much heavier than any one of them. I didn't go into the lake to swim because I don't own a suit, and I didn't even have the guts to wear shorts around these wonderful people that I just met.
Not only are my legs white as sheets from not being exposed and fat, but they are horribly scarred. I didn't kick my shoes off and sprawl on the couch when we were watching movies.. I didn't want to remove my shoes in front of them for fear of a chance my fat sweaty feet or shoes might smell...why can't I just let it all hang out and have fun like I should.. like everyone else????

Hi,

These people obviously care about you despite your perceived shortfalls. (I say perceived, because they all see something there that isn't apparent to you.) Despite your shyness, they sought you out for conversation and sharing. This is a cause to celebrate! As you come to see yourself as they see you... as someone worth loving and caring about, you will feel more comfortable and relaxed around them. A whole lot of the success will be the increase in your self image as you begin to see and feel the changes that this wol will help bring about. You'll be able to relax and have fun and not worry so much that you will do something or they will see something that will make them stop caring about you. Be a little patient with yourself as you come into your own.... you didn't become the person you are now overnight. It does take time to effect lasting change. (Don't under estimate the value of being a little 'shy'. Just because you don't talk much doesn't mean you can't be a good listener... a very underrated trait!)

One thing I know is that it can be done. I've done it myself and you can, too.
Be patient, follow your plan, utilize this forum for the support you need to rebuild your life and your self image. When you have a success, no matter how small it may seem, celebrate it as a step toward being the person you really are inside. Share it here and I can guarantee it will be celebrated by others in the group... and be an inspiration for others who are in a rough spot on any given day.

Ginger
159/149/135

Life is NOT a dress rehearsal