****WARNING**** THIS IS LONG...


OK guys, I can't stand it anymore!

I've been battling my weight all year and I have lost. I kept trying to get myself under control so I wouldn't have to tell you but I haven't. I feel terrible and need to come clean.

I've been low carbing since June 2001 and have been a member of this site since July 2001. People often ask me questions and turn to me for advice but right now, I'm feeling like a hippo ("crit" that is ...... )

You see, last December I came within 12 pounds of goal. 240 down to 152. Pretty cool, eh? I was thrilled to be able to take a 3 week vacation to Europe in a size 10 instead of a size 24. Naturally, I gained a few pounds while gone. Well, 18 to be exact.

I was a little bummed about this but thought hey, you only live once. I had a blast and truly didn't regret the pizza, pasta, gelato, etc. that I had eaten while traveling. No biggie, I'll just lose it again. (so I thought - I ended up gaining another 20!)

This year has been tough. I just haven't wanted to bother and I've had more false starts than I can count. I've put alot of thought into this and I've realized that I am SICK AND TIRED of always being the one who has to "lose weight" or "shed a few pounds" - Is this all I'm about? Does the fact that I have to lose weight DEFINE me? HELL NO! (Pardon my French )

But alas, it does define me because that's what I'm always thinking about. Even worse now since I've gained some weight back. I think about it several times a day and could just kick myself.

I WAS SOOOO CLOSE!!!!!! 12 pounds from goal.

Of course, did I THINK I looked good back at 152 and size 10? (starting to fit into some 8's) Sort of. LOL I thought I looked BETTER but I still didn't think I looked REALLY good.

What was I thinking?

I still saw the "fat" Marcie. Good God. It's ridiculous. Once you see yourself as fat, it's HARD to see yourself as anything else. Isn't that sad?

So why am I telling you this? Many reasons...

1) I need to come clean and let you guys know where I'm at even if I'm not all that proud of it.

2) By coming clean, I'll probably come around here more to give (and receive) moral support.

3) Someone else out there is probably in the same (or similar designer shoes) and needs to know they are NOT ALONE. We all flub up sometimes.

4) I need to remind myself it could be worse. I DID NOT cross back over the 200 mark so that's a good thing! I've managed to maintain almost 50 pounds off. Better than nothing. I need to keep reminding myself of this.

So there it is. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and from here on out, no more sulking around!

I'm starting over and...

- I'm not going to let myself get obessed about it.
- I'm not going to weigh myself everyday.
- I'm not going to write down every single thing I eat.
- I'm not going to worry about water retention and fluctuation.

I AM IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL. I've always said that, now I'm going to LIVE it.

Thanks for listening.

Marcie



Member since 2001
http://www.ilovelowcarb.com
Size 24(start lowfat)/Size 18(start LC)/Size 14/Size 8

Marcie,

Although I haven't been into the long battle as you have been, I totally feel for you. I've started LC I think for 3 months now, and yet I was never able to get through induction without giving in to something...I was very down too. But I got a lot of support on this board and luckily I jumped back on. This week wasn't perfect and I need to start tomorrow again, I guess if we understand and want our goal bad enough, we will reach it someday!
I am with you, GOOD LUCK!


IRene

Rene, you are so right. This board is a TREMENDOUS help.

Believe me, if I hadn't been around here for the last 2 years, I probably WOULD be 240 again!

Thanks for your support. That's what I'm here for I need it.


Member since 2001
http://www.ilovelowcarb.com
Size 24(start lowfat)/Size 18(start LC)/Size 14/Size 8

Marcie,

Welcome back to reality! Your plight is what makes you a veteran and a real example for all of us.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Susan


LCE Member since 01/02
341/283.5/185

Marcie,

Yours was one of the first web sites I visited after I got to LCE. I was impressed with your approach and attitude. I am STILL impressed with your approach and attitude.

You just regroup, lean on us as much as you can, and JUST BE YOU! We will be here. I PROMISE!

HANG IN THERE!!!

Don


http://home.insightbb.com/~athuddriver/index.html
http://home.insightbb.com/~athuddriv...nks/links.html

Marcie!!!

I love you!!!! Your confession was "good for my soul!"

YOU are love, accepted and still respected as a low carb veteran and just Marcie!

Move on, Sweety...I'm with you!!!

Bondo
230/211/130

Marcie,

First of all, I'd like to tell you that your story really inspired me. My starting weight was also 240 and your story made me feel that I could really get the weight off this time and learn to live it. You're just going through a "bad patch" and you'll be okay. You've done so well! Maintaining 50 pounds off is wonderful! I hope I get there someday.

BTW, wouldn't it be nice to go one full day without thinking about your weight or a weight-related issue?? I cannot remember a day like that since I was about 11! I sometimes wonder what "normal" people think about every day!

It's a struggle, isn't it??

I was so fed up with thinking about losing weight that a couple of months ago I was considering checking out an intestinal bypass! Thank God I found LC and this site.

You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure you have helped many, many people, so don't give up....you can do it! We're all in this together.

Atkins since 8/27/03
240/224

Marcie-Like you, I'm a veteran. But I, too, haven't been around for a while. I've been the same weight for 11 months now! I still want to lose 25 more pounds. Sometimes I get very discouraged. Part of that is, I believe, because I still think of myself as fat, too. I started out in a 5X. I now wear a 12. But I'm still surprised when I catch a glimpse of myself in a window, and realize that it's me. 150 pounds ago, I would have given anything to be this size. Yet, now I'm dissatisfied. I don't think of myself as a perfectionist, but it seems maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, keep up the fight. It is worth it, and so are you.

Marilyn
330/184/160 5'10"
started 10/1/01

[This message was edited by chamnem on 10-03-03 at 12:39 PM.]

Marcie,

Thank you so much for being honest and saying exactly the words that I also feel. Our weight losses and gains are very similar. I made it to about 10 pounds from goal about 2 1/2 years ago. In the past 1 1/2 I've slowly added 15-20 pounds back on. It is so depressing. It does consume my thoughts and self-esteem everyday.

I remember thinking that I would never allow myself to be "fat" again. I promised myself that I would keep a watchful eye on my size and do whatever it took not to regain. You know, it's one thing to be overweight, but it's completely another to lose and then gain back. It's so embarassing and shameful. The last couple of weeks I've been really harping on myself to restart both my healthy eating and my exercise regimin. I hope that your post is the kick in the rear that I need.

By the way, I find myself not posting like I used to because I feel like a hippo (-crit as you put it), too.

Thank you again for starting this thread. I know I needed to read every single word that you wrote.

Beth (aka Fuelmanswife)
http://www.marykay.com/bethsimmons

There is a gap between what we see in the mirror and what the brain sees.... especially if you have been "big" most of your life. When I was 23 I moved from NJ to Texas and lost 85 lbs, I was 165, first time as an adult that I was that thin. I didn't stay there long, maybe 6mos to a year, stopped exercising, stopped watching what I ate, and gained it all back and then some, and then some more, and reached 327 when I was 50. I looked in the mirror when I was 165 and still saw me as 250, even tho I was wearing smaller (alot) clothes, and I looked thinner, I still saw myself as fat. Not sure how to handle that, or how to help, maybe keeping pictures of you when you were at your largest handy, next to the mirror so you can see the difference, so you can see the change. Maybe there is some help out there thru counselling, maybe someone can add some of their own words of encouragement....I know that will be a problem when I get to my goal.... seeing myself as thin instead of large....but I am on the road to thin, and hopefully by the time I get there, I can get the brain to realize that I really am thin this time..
carolyn in texas

Kumus – Thanks. Yes, I’m finally back to the reality that I CANNOT simply eat whatever I want and maintain a weight loss. I wish!

Don – Thank you so much. I am regrouping and I’ll be coming back stronger than ever. One of these days I WILL succeed, no matter how long it takes.

Bondo – You’re too kind! Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad my “baring of soul” could help. That was part of the purpose for it. By helping others, I’m helping myself too.

Taylor – I’m not giving up, don’t worry. It’s just something I have to work on – probably for the rest of my life. But, that’s ok. I finally ready to deal with and I’m not going to sulk around wishing I was one of the naturally thin. I’m not, so what? I’m me and I’m pretty happy with that person.

Marilyn – OMG! So true. When I was a size 24, I would have killed to be a size. Heck, I would have killed to be a size 14! (the size I am now) LOL Life is just too silly sometimes. Thanks for your support.

Beth - I thought the same thing. I would NEVER let myself get fat again. No way! How could I? After so much success in losing. It is embarrassing. I’ve been avoiding my family because I didn’t want them to see me with 40 pounds back. Isn’t that terrible? They saw me last Christmas at 152 and in August we had a family reunion. I didn’t go, I just couldn’t. Too sad. Next thing that comes up, I will NOT avoid it even if I’m still over weight compared to last year. Life is too short to avoid family for stupid reasons.

Carolyn – You know what I think? I think that some of us (me for sure, possibly you) look at ourselves and look for perfection, then, when we don’t see it, we assume all is bad and the war is lost and why bother. We don’t think about the possibility that perhaps there never will be anything perfect! Because of course, nothing ever is. I think I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Somewhere along the line in my life, I got it drummed into me that I need to strive for perfection. I’m not sure where that came from. I probably need to think on that and try to figure it out. It would help me sort out my own psychology.

Thanks to everyone. You don’t know how much this “cleansing” has helped me. I’m feeling so much better already!

I’m quite the open and honest type of person so it kills me to think I’m not being straight forward with what I consider my friends.

Marcie


Member since 2001
http://www.ilovelowcarb.com
Size 24(start lowfat)/Size 18(start LC)/Size 14/Size 8

I know how it is when you go over seas. I went to France to visit my inlaws, and boy, did I eat! LOL The food is just to good. I wasn't a picky tourist.
Right now my life has been so crazy, its been really hard not to be an emotional eater. Most days I can resist the stress eatting urge, somedays, yesterday, I can't. I guess it isn't even a matter of can't I choose not to. In fact things right now with my oldest boy is so stressful, and I've gotten so depressed from it all, I wonder what is the point. Why try? Thought about posting it here, but, don't really feel this is the right place for that kind of vent. Somedays its all I can do to keep myself from walking to the store and buying a cake. (at least I'd get some exercise that way wouldn't I?)
I'm seriously looking for ways to pick myself up out of this funk that I have fallen into, but no luck so far. So if you come up with any good ideas, share.

Nat
Dreams are wishes your heart makes when your fast alseep....

Marcie,

I'm so sad to hear you are struggling. You have always, and continue to be, an inspiration to us all. You have been asking yourself some hard questions lately, like, how could I allow this to happen? It also sounds like you have criticized yourself enough for everyone. We are your friends and are here for you. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve to be treated better. We are our own worst enemies and for bizarre reasons we often sabbatoge ourselves.

I commend you on sharing your story in order to help others. I believe in you and your ability to get over this hurdle! My thoughts are with you.

Red
7/24/02
186/110/110

Nat - I'm sure you'll find your way out of your funk. Coming to this board is a step in the right direction. I know it's helped me more times than I can count.

Red - Nice to hear from you! I remember seeing you around the board when you first started. And look at you now, you're maintaining! Good for you. See? I know it's possible. I know I can do it. It just might take a little longer than I thought. No problem, I can deal with it. Especially with all the kind words and support I get here. Thanks so much for posting. I really do appreciate it.




Member since 2001
http://www.ilovelowcarb.com
Size 24(start lowfat)/Size 18(start LC)/Size 14/Size 8

Have FAITH and BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! My best wishes to you!

Kim