...I am having a hard time with this, just wondering if anyone else has...
*as we lose weight, people notice we lose and give all sorts of attention. Being female,300 pounds and married, its been a while since I really got attention from men. Different story since losing weight, and I guess I am having a hard time with it, never know what to make of it...so my question to all of you is...has this happend to you, and how did you deal with it? Thanks

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02/04/06~The "S" challenge starts: SW~210
Ends 05/04/06 want to be around 180ish
"But in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine"

I have a really hard time dealing with male attention. I'm an abuse and rape survivor so most attention that I get from the opposite sex is at a minimum very uncomfortable for me. I'm hoping that the fact that since I can talk with my DH about this as it occurs that I'll be able to overcome this hurdle.

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Katie
275/238/150
Restarted 01/08/2007
37 pounds lost!
http://justanotherfatgirl.blogspot.com

I myself have been a victim of harrassment, abuse and rape, many many years ago. Here is my advice.

I will start by saying that even though I have been through a great deal of pain, I still believe that most of the time people (men and women) have good intentions. If they dont have good intention then they are just ignorant and dont think about how what they are saying to you, might effect you. I do admit that there are bad people out there, but I dont think you find that the majority of the time.

When I am getting male attention, that I did not seek, I try to look around at the situation before I respond. Where are we? Who is there with us? How safe do I feel? Based on my comfort level, and the situation I am in I make a response. I find that as a general rule being polite with out being too friendly works fine to acknowledge someone with out offering something I am not willing to give.

For example, if I am in my home, and a friends husband is making a comment and flirting a bit. I smile and say thanks. I might even flirt back, if the wife is in the room and is not too uptight.

Another example, I am at a restaurant, my husband and I run into a collegue of his from work. Someone I am not that familiar with, he makes a comment and flirts. I say thank you for the compliment, my dh thinks I look great too.

A complete stranger in bar, thank you my husband likes me too. Loose any eye contact and turn away...


Perhaps I am to optimistic, but I dont think most people are trying to be over sexual. Accept compliments for what they are, and say thanks. You might like it eventually.

Heidi

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Heidi
171/163/150

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hey sophie- it's it weird how many other things are impacted that you never would think about, huh? incidently, you may need to update your self-image. you're not 300 pounds now, from my understanding.

yes, i have started getting more attention since i've lost weight. as in, most of the time people ignored me before. now, it's hard to anyway because 1. i have a big mouth, and 2. i have pink hair. i('m 40, and i have pink hair. so i guess i can't be completley uncomfortable with attention, huh? har!) and yeah, i think i look good now. i enjoy feeling good about my appearance, because i hadn't for a long time before. as i like to say, being vain is fun!

i know for some, it's been a problem with spouses, as in they get upset and insecure when their signif. other loses the pounds. especially if there is any attention! i'm lucky in that my husband doesn't feel threatened and supports me.

for me most of the time, i just smile and go about my business. usually, you don't have to do more about it. as was said previously, most people don't have any ill intent. it's just hard to get used to! if it's a situation that requires a response, i may say something like, "thanks, but i'm very married." and then i go about my business.

but i don't think it's the response you're talking about so much as how it feels in your head, huh? at least, that's what i'm guessing.

personally, i believe it's all part of having your self-image in total flux as you're losing significant amts of weight, and it can feel disorienting to get that sort of attention if you haven't had much experience with it for a long time, if at all. i spent a fair amount of time just looking in the mirror a lot and taking pictures along the way, just to remind/reinforce the idea that i DO look different now. some days, i felt like a tiny little thing, and some days i felt fatter than i ever did when i was actually much more overweight. sometimes i'm a little shocked when i run across an old pic. but touching base regularly with your picture of yourself in your head and trying to keep it accurate i found helpful.

the other thing is to not take it too seriuosly, or at least i don't. i may come home and tell my husband: "hey, some guy was hitting on me at the gas station. i hope you realize how hot your wife is and appreciate it!" he's a good husband: he agrees with me. he knows i love him and am definitely "with" him completely, which helps.

i think it's a lot like taking compliments, which i believe many overweight women in particular have BIG problems with. you have to learn to stop arguing with it-either literally or in your head. smile, respond if you need to, and go about your day. somebody finds you attractive? that's nice. you're not on the market, but hey. it feels good to know other people can see the results of your work on yourself. (probably more than you, for that matter.)

i think it's like a lot with this stuff: it's a gradal process. as time goes on and you get more comfortable in your own skin, you'll be able to take more of this kind of thing in your stride.

obviously, it's more complicated if you have a history of abuse discussed-it's not uncommon for folks who have that sort of history to develop serious weight problems.

but regardless of your personal history, often excess weight serves as a buffer between you and others, and feels "safe" or "protective" somehow. it helps keep people at a distance. so part of the adjustment is learning to feel safe when people are not at the same distance, and are expressing interest in you on whatever level. people DO react to you differently as you lose. heck, i think i react differently to myself, which i definitely have mixed feelings about.

oh well, i don't know where i'm going with this. just sharing my thoughts, i suppose. i do think with a little time, you'll get more comfortable with all the attention that comes your way, especially as your inner image gets closer to your outer image. just keep thinking it through like you are now, and you'll be fine...

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Sophie,
This is something I have trouble dealing with, too, and I can totally relate to how you are feeling... I think you have received some excellent advice here (me, too!). Now, all you need is TIME. You are doing SO GREAT! Don't let "old ghosts" keep you from reaching your goals. Wishing you ultimate success!

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Summer

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I guess with losing weight we need to re-learn LOTS of things, not just our eating habbits...I am not 300 lbs anymore, but somedays I feel like I am and feel like I look that way. One day at a time I guess. I do say thanks to all those people to say nice things, laugh some guys off, think about it later, sometimes smile...I tell DH about it, he laughs, its all new to him as well...sometimes, its not too funny for him...lol. I guess its all a journey, learning so much along the way....thanks everyone!

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02/04/06~The "S" challenge starts: SW~210
Ends 05/04/06 want to be around 180ish
"But in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine"

Hey Sophie... A nice response to someone who compliments you might be, "thanks, I've been working hard on this, and I'm glad to see it's paying off!!" The complimenter feels good, and you feel good - for acknowledging your great efforts and success!

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Hugs, Rachel







(the horn is in honor of DH!)
Quien canta, sus males espanta... ("She who sings fightens away her ills") Miguel de Cervantes

Time definitely changes things...
I've been at goal for awhile now (year and a half? I don't remember) but I definitely enjoyed the attention at first, and dressed accordingly! But, I've gotten over it, and have come to the realization that I like big floopy sweaters and boy's jeans. I'm a baggy girl, through and through. I've come around to finding the ME in the new me, if you will.
You'll find the YOU in how to respond to the attention. It just takes a little time for the "inside" to catch up to the "outside".

Enjoy your success!
Stacie
222/125

Thanks again to everyone that had a reply. I guess its one day at a time.

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02/04/06~The "S" challenge starts: SW~210
Ends 05/04/06 want to be around 180ish
"But in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine"

I just wanted to comment on this, because it struck home with me.

Last time I was on Atkins, I started getting attention within a week of starting induction. I found this to be really weird, because obviously there wasn't much to comment on change-wise after that short amount of time.

The same thing is happening this time. It's not sexual-type interest so much as "hey, you look great today, have you done something?" sort of comments.

I think it's simply the change in attitude. I already feel better. I'm smiling more, I put on makeup this morning, I got a cute haircut (which I'm learning not to hate), I'm laughing and joking with people... I'm happy.

For me at least, simply taking charge of something in my life that has been so out of control is a very empowering feeling. I'm less intimidated by the people around me. I'm just not depressed anymore.

As someone else said (sorry, I'm just starting to learn names), the weight with me has always been my buffer. Weight going up == I want to be invisible. Weight going down == Notice me. It's funny in a way, but I'm learning that food does a lot of the same things for me that smoking used to.

Robin

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that's a very interesting observation, robin. i hadn't thought about the psychological aspects of feeling more in control playing a factor. i've heard people talk about the "glow" you get when you're on track, and i know that's real because i've felt it and can see it, in myself and others. it even comes through in photos...makes me wonder how much of the glow is from the shift in your personal energy and perceptions?

hmmmm.

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