Just wondered if anyone had any ideas on what I should say and do the next time this happens.
I live with my boyfriend, we have been together for 2 years. I have to tell you that this man would walk through a fire pit of glass for me, if we were both bit by a snake with one shot to save one of us he would inject me and not think twice. We live in a very snowy area and doesn't believe that women should shovel. We buy fabric softner in bulk containers and he will put it in a small bottle for me so that it isn't too heavy to lift. I could go on and on, but I think that you get the jist.
HOWEVER,:eyes: We were watching American Idol the other night and he made a vicious mean and very rude comment about Mandisa's weight. I believe it was a if you ever get that big, I would take you out and shoot you! How does one let themselves go like that? I was speechless! I was so astonished that he actually said something like that? He has never said that my weight bothers him ( however, his bosses wife asked my b/f's mother asked does her weight bother him??.:( I am bigger than my b/f like that alone doesn't make me self-conscience, I need her comment!!) anywho in so many words he has told me nicely and very encouraging that he would like to see me at a healthy weight. And doesn't really keep any pictures of me around other then the ones that I am thin in (from serious lcing in 02) I have no doubt that he loves me for me and if I didn't lose weight he would "live with it".
But, back to what he said, I thought afterward, the real question is who is he to judge this person and how could you think that way?
How do I stifle him next time? And do I tell him that his harsh words effected me so much?

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"Summer of PQ"
19 pounds down....
Atkins

Frankly, I think he should do more than "live with it", I think he should love you for who you are no matter what your outside looks like. If he doesn't, the door is always thata-way ----------->

I can't stand that passive-agressive BS. I dated someone like that once, for quite awhile. He honestly thought that how I looked was a reflection on him, so he would comment on everything I put into my mouth ("Do you really need to be eating that?"), everything I wore ("I don't think that shirt suits you at all, you should put on the one I bought for you"), UGH! It used to drive me nuts. He would steal food off of my place because I didn't need to be eating that, either. Control freak! It wasn't that he didn't love me, he did... it was that he loved the vision of who he wanted me to be more.

Call me wacky, but I think how I look on the outside shouldn't have a freakin' thing to do with how anyone around me feels, unless my health is in danger because of it. I don't control other people, I don't want them controlling me either.

Then again, that's probably why I'm still single! I've been told I have a bit of an attitude

Robin

PS. After I dumped Mr. Control Freak, I went on Atkins for the first time, lost around 80 pounds, and mailed him a picture :gorgeous:

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Why would you want to? Isn't it best to find out how and what he really thinks, and then deal with it?

Yes, and quite simply, too. "Just look him square in the eye and say, Yanno what? What you said floored me, and we need to talk about it."

It's always best to be honest in any relationship. Start now.

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April

The face of a child can say a lot -- especially the mouth part of the face.

My Blog

April,
Thanks for the input, your first question, no I guess I just am the type that would prefer him using discretion when speaking about someone that is overweight, since I myself have alot to lose and his words make me feel more insecure and then (being my own worst enemy) I think, gosh what does he really think about me.

and the secondly I might just use your tactic on.,..thanks

and honesty is all that we have ever been about, I have no reason to lie or keep things from him. I guess maybe I think that sometimes I am too sensative and blow things out of preportion and he will say something, I was just joking or kidding around and then I feel like I take things too personal, which is a common fault of mine.
Thanks again April.
PQ

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"Summer of PQ"
19 pounds down....
Atkins

You need to find out. Be direct and honest. Just ask and tell him it's important to know where he stands about fat people, politics, your weight, people with disabilites, your hair color, your character, your <fill in the blank>, and any other issue.

But, find out and then be done with your insecurities. It's the insecurities and the "not knowing" that can be a relationship snuffer.

So, find out.

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April

The face of a child can say a lot -- especially the mouth part of the face.

My Blog

I'm with April on this one. I wouldn't worry so much about what he says, rather what he feels. If you stifle him, you're just keeping him quiet, but he still has a problem with weight.

Do you want to know what he feels about your weight or Mandisa's weight or people that aren't stick thin in general? Ask him what you want to know rather than let it eat at you. If you're planning to be with this guy long term, it'll come up again. You can't hide from what he thinks by keeping him quiet.

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Start Date Jan 21 05
Restart Date 17 Mar 07
200/189/145

Then why would you want to ignore an issue that is obviously so important to you? If the above statement is true, then your answer is simple; the two of you need to discuss this.

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Trina

Vice-President of the Intergalactic Order of Brussels Sprouts Haters

[font='Times New Roman', Times, Serif, serif][/font]

"I believe it was a if you ever get that big, I would take you out and shoot you!"
That is the line that I would question with him....I just about fell off my chair when I read it.
geeze....
I would definately want to have a conversation with him about that one.
c

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http://www.youravon.com/cnorulak
carolyn in texas
started 8/11/03 327/268/177
5/20/08/ - 348
onward thru the fog

I debated and debated putting in my 2 cents on this one since it can be a very delicate issue but I thought you might want a man's take on the situation.

First thing, like everybody has stated... talk with him about how it made you feel. Don't attack him cause that puts both parties on the defensive, Just state "exactly" what bothered you about the whole thing.

If it bothered you that he said that about someone else's appearance...state that. If it bothered you because it made you think about how he felt and viewed you...make sure to state that.

What I'm trying to say is "do not beat around the bush!" State exactly how it made you feel and what about it upset you (even if he thinks/says "Well, I was only joking......").

I have made extremely stupid statements like that while watching TV (most of the time my mind goes "Dang...I should not have said that!".) My wife is heavier than when we met (which bugs her to no end...so she LCs too) but I still think she is the most beautiful woman in the world!! (She was too thin before we met..IMHO)

My wife has some issues with insecurities... and over time I have learned to be much more aware of those issues and to be supported (not combative) when I say something that could upset her (but I'm still way from perfect :( ...).

But I got to that point by her telling me what "exactly" was wrong (communication). We went through a ton of arguements of her not wanting to tell me "exactly" but trying to hint around it...or walking around the house sad all day (Guys minds don't work that way... we have to know exactly what it is we are discussing...we miss suttle hints... ).

Now if I could get her to stop drooling all over the place when Matthew Mcconaughey or Keith Urban is on the TV... I might feel more secure myself! :silly:

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:silly:
Wolfman
207/178/175
Top Weight: 220 (Oct 2000)
Lowest Weight: 178 (Oct 2003/Dec 2006)

I agree with the others - this thing will fester until you clear the air with him. I've been married 35 years to my childbride, and she still surprises me with her thinking process. She tends to not say anything, and then gets madder and madder over a period of time while I drift along in my fool's paradise. Then when she finally gets mad enough to say something, I've completely forgotton what I said or did. I've told her to tell me when it happens, but she's not made that way.
Your BF's comment was insensitive to the point of meaness. He needs to be told that by you.

Thanks all,
It is my fault that I let him speak freely and openly like he has because this isn't the first time that he has said something of this nature. This one struck me more vicious than others however. He has made comments about the neighbor women being "bigger than the husband" and then says they won't last together. And I guess the shock of the comments kill me because.....um I am bigger than him!? So I see it as he is talking about us, does this mean that he isn't going to stick around unless I become this thin trophy girlfriend? I think that if I am going to be looking good ( and getting smaller than him) I am going to do it for me and me alone, not because of some non-chalant comment intended to whip me into shape.
I am going to talk to him tonight and update further. AGAIN THANK U ALL!!!

__________________
"Summer of PQ"
19 pounds down....
Atkins

FOLLOW UP:

So we are sitting watching tivo'd American Idol and here comes the comment.....about Mandisa (who totally stole the show btw) "Can you imagine what her roommate thinks about the size of her clothes?"
That was all that I needed, I paused and tv and said, "Ok can we talk about the way you feel about overweight people?" Because I am one of them if you haven't noticed and every time that you say something about someone's weight I can't help but take it as a personal blow to me!??" He sat there in astonishment and said, "Oh hun, you have a measly 40-50 pounds to lose?" This women has ALOT of weight to lose. I said, "But what gives you the right to judge someone that way?" He is like, " You are being to serious about this, I am just kidding around; I am sorry if I affected you in anyway." I said, "It still stinks that you really think that way about people, she is one of the best singers on this show." He then said, "When Simon commented above the stage being bigger this year, you didn't say anything." I said," I didn't know I was living with another Simon though." (this whole conversation was in a civilized voice btw.) He then apologized again for what he said and said, I guess my comments are a little insensative. :(

I can't help but still feel that my weight bothers him in some way, and he is all about have a hottie for a girlfriend. Which I DO promote by saying that I want to lose weight, and be a totally hottie. He was the first one that mentioned the boob job to me ( I was a little strung at first )and don't get me wrong I have wanted one and I known that I needed one. But, he is the one that keeps mentioning it. He also keeps mentioning starting atkins to me ( when I will be starting and sticking to it). SO I guess that I have to take this in stride and see if I am ok with this is just how he is. I also think that he thinks that because I was in a rough/unhappy marriage that is how I got "heavy" and now believes that since he is in my life that my weight should just vanish along with every feeling that went along with gaining the weight.

Well thanks for listening everyone.

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"Summer of PQ"
19 pounds down....
Atkins

PQ, it's good you talked. Now he will be more aware. And when he's about to say something insensitive, he might think twice. If it DOES slip out, I would give him a gentle reminder........"Um, that was a little insensitive and it still feels uncomfortable to me......." Or something like that.

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PQ - one of the wisest statements I've EVER heard from someone: 'I'm not comfortable with <insert item>' - up until that point, I'd never EVER heard someone say that....and this grown man, late 50's...we were all discussing his current girlfriend...and he said 'I'm not comfortable with this topic of discussion'. HOLY COW! Mind blowing.... (maybe I'm just strange?_... that we could set limitations on our conversations. I rarely do....but it was awe inspiring to hear him say that...and know that...hey, you and I can say it to.

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Started: 261
Currently: 182

PQ, so glad you had a talk with him! Don't you feel much better now than walking around mad? Dan- wow! Your wife does the same thing I do!!! LOL The reason why I don't say anything though is that when I am really upset or mad about something my husband says, all I can think is " That hurt my feelings" It takes me a day or so to think about why it made me so upset and then figure out how to explain to him in a way he will understand. ( and without being so upset I can't talk) Sometimes, after thinking about it, I realize that no he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. Some people just blurt things out without meaning to be hurtful. Yes, he needs to work on it, but I also need to work on self image issues.