****WARNING**** THIS IS LONG...


OK guys, I can't stand it anymore!

I've been battling my weight all year and I have lost. I kept trying to get myself under control so I wouldn't have to tell you but I haven't. I feel terrible and need to come clean.

I've been low carbing since June 2001 and have been a member of this site since July 2001. People often ask me questions and turn to me for advice but right now, I'm feeling like a hippo ("crit" that is ...... )

You see, last December I came within 12 pounds of goal. 240 down to 152. Pretty cool, eh? I was thrilled to be able to take a 3 week vacation to Europe in a size 10 instead of a size 24. Naturally, I gained a few pounds while gone. Well, 18 to be exact.

I was a little bummed about this but thought hey, you only live once. I had a blast and truly didn't regret the pizza, pasta, gelato, etc. that I had eaten while traveling. No biggie, I'll just lose it again. (so I thought - I ended up gaining another 20!)

This year has been tough. I just haven't wanted to bother and I've had more false starts than I can count. I've put alot of thought into this and I've realized that I am SICK AND TIRED of always being the one who has to "lose weight" or "shed a few pounds" - Is this all I'm about? Does the fact that I have to lose weight DEFINE me? HELL NO! (Pardon my French )

But alas, it does define me because that's what I'm always thinking about. Even worse now since I've gained some weight back. I think about it several times a day and could just kick myself.

I WAS SOOOO CLOSE!!!!!! 12 pounds from goal.

Of course, did I THINK I looked good back at 152 and size 10? (starting to fit into some 8's) Sort of. LOL I thought I looked BETTER but I still didn't think I looked REALLY good.

What was I thinking?

I still saw the "fat" Marcie. Good God. It's ridiculous. Once you see yourself as fat, it's HARD to see yourself as anything else. Isn't that sad?

So why am I telling you this? Many reasons...

1) I need to come clean and let you guys know where I'm at even if I'm not all that proud of it.

2) By coming clean, I'll probably come around here more to give (and receive) moral support.

3) Someone else out there is probably in the same (or similar designer shoes) and needs to know they are NOT ALONE. We all flub up sometimes.

4) I need to remind myself it could be worse. I DID NOT cross back over the 200 mark so that's a good thing! I've managed to maintain almost 50 pounds off. Better than nothing. I need to keep reminding myself of this.

So there it is. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and from here on out, no more sulking around!

I'm starting over and...

- I'm not going to let myself get obessed about it.
- I'm not going to weigh myself everyday.
- I'm not going to write down every single thing I eat.
- I'm not going to worry about water retention and fluctuation.

I AM IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL. I've always said that, now I'm going to LIVE it.

Thanks for listening.

Marcie



Member since 2001
http://www.ilovelowcarb.com
Size 24(start lowfat)/Size 18(start LC)/Size 14/Size 8

[This message was edited by MarcieLynn on 10-02-03 at 10:01 PM.]

Marcie, it's never easy. Sometimes when we're in the groove and sailing along it seems easy - but that's because we've "bought into it". We're no long tallying up the effort because it's just part of the infrastructure.

Sorry for rambling below... (save yourself! bail now!)

These are questions I'm grappling with as I try to figure out how to live in "maintenance". I haven't figured out the first thing yet, so I'm still basically in weight loss mode as far as my habits and eating goes. I've no idea how to proceed in any other mode that doesn't involve re-gaining weight.

A friend of mine recommended a book called The Fat Gene. I don't know a lot about it; she said it explains some of the mechanics about how our bodies regulate the amount of fat we store.

One thing my friend mentioned from the book is that it can take up to 2 years to establish a new set point (a set point being the weight your body "recognizes" as it's "normal" weight). Until a new set point is established, your body wants and ~yearns~ to regain the lost weight to get back to it's old set point. Once a new set point is established, your body is normalized to maintaining that new weight, and it's not such a struggle to keep from regaining weight.

I'm not sure I explained that well at all. I guess I should read the book, eh? Well, I do want to read it, as I'm intrigued by these ideas.

Anyway, if there's any validity to that theory, it explains why it is so ~very~ easy for us to regain the weight we worked so hard to lose. It explains why it is "normal" for people to regain weight.

At the end of our conversation, my friend looked at me bleakly and said something like. "so basically, you just feel hungry for the two years it takes to establish a new set point". Well, I'm not sure that's really how it is - actual hunger. But, but I can see the sense in how the urge to eat will be stronger than normal for as long as it takes the mind/body to accept that the new weight is normal.

Anyway, the thing I got from that snippet is that I will need to stay very vigilient with this WOE for a long time. I can't take being thinner for granted, because "hidden forces" in my body want me to gain back to my old set point.

For me, the way I do that is to track my food and weight very closely. I need to be conscious of how much I eat every day, otherwise it won't just be "carb creep", it will be "everything creep"! I know that my way isn't the way it's going to work for everyone - but using a food tracker really helps me keep my focus.

~~~Teelbee

174 (Mar. 2002, highest weight), 164 (Jan. 2003, begin LC)
164/133/137-134
remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic

Don't you just hate what we allow our weight to do to us. A few years back I lost a lot of weight (not Atkins) but because I could not seem to reach my Goal (after a month stall), one day I sat down to Donuts and Cake; I don't look back til I was at my highest weight ever. I had went from being a size 24 to a size 9 and all I could see was FAT. All I could see was I had not reach my goal. All I could see was the jeans and dresses I couldn't fit into YET, not all the ones I was way to small for. But the worst part was I couldn't see my way to allowing myself to be human.

Marcie, I have read your advice. You are a wonderful teacher, example and coach. So you ain't perfect...thats even better. I am a true believer that it ain't how many time you fall its how many time you get up... someone who aint fail (at some point)can't sho me nothin. All my pray to your success.

If God is for me, who can be againist me?

Marcie, thanks for sharing.

If losing weight was easy, we would all be skinny!

I also had loss on WW, felt good, looked good, gained all but 7 pounds back. Why? I love to eat and there is always plenty of good food around.

Like you on your vacation, I love to try new foods. I can see where you would gain weight .

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I am under a tremendous amount of stress due to family problems, and I have not been getting enough sleep all week. I was feeling really blue. At lunch one of the teachers had made a delicious looking chocolate cake. I sat and watched the others enjoy the cake feeling pretty sorry for myself. Then the old familar nagging began~~I have to live without eating cake, ice cream, cookies, everything fatty & good for the rest of my life~~how am I going to live like this forever, etc. etc. (I am sure you all have had the same type of thoughts). I did not eat the cake or anything off plan, but I usually feel "rightous" when I do not cave in, yesterday I just felt more depressed.

I think I can imagine what it took for you to post, but I want to thank you for doing it. It lets me know that it will always have to be an effort on my part (why is it soooo hard to lose, but soooo easy to gain?) to keep my weight where I want it. Reading this has, in an odd sort of way, made me feel better .

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Susan ( AKA Northwest)
207/176/160

{{{{{{Marcie}}}}}

You have been such an inspiration to me. You have encouraged so many people. I am here to return the favor. Maybe you can feel cleansed after your "confession"......at least I hope so. Get back on the horse girlfriend. You can do this. I have faith in you!!!!



Barb
Atkins-3/14/03
174/149.4/135
"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."

Marcie
This was a very brave thing to admit in a post. I saw you coming around less often in the past few months and thought you might be going through a struggle of some kind. I guessed it was about weight but considered the possibility it could have been any number of things. Now that you've come clean, so to speak, you will find it easier to ask for help and encouragement, as you have given so many of us that same help and encouragement for so long.
You are an inspiration and you will lose the weight at whatever pace you can. And yes, we often define ourselves by our weight. maybe because so many other people can't manage to get past our fat.
well If I've rambled I'm sorry. But you're too special for me not to respond.

Rob

Keep

Marcie,

I agree with Rob, it took a lot of courage for you to tell all. I think sometimes people expect dieters on any plan, never to mess up. You're expected to lose, lose, lose, a gain, OMG, that's not allowed! So many things in our everyday lives affect what we eat and what access we have to the food we need. Myself, if my days & nights are busy, I find I don't take the time to bring the food I need to eat to work, but I try my best to eat properly, but sometimes it's not possible.

I feel like I will struggle my entire life with this weight. I've asked myself, why me? Why can't I be thin like everyone else. I am not truly happy with myself, I'm not happy being heavy. I have poor self-confidence, find it hard to make friends. I feel I am this way because of my weight, "it" has defined me. I want to change that and LC is the way for me.

Good Luck to you, I know you will do it, you got down there once, you will do it again. You know what it takes, you've given me plenty of great advice this past year and a half.

Take care
Karen

About 4 years ago I found out about Atkins, I looked at it as a quick fix. Then I needed to lose 62 pounds and I got to 17 pounds away from goal. I was actually looking pretty good. Then I hit a plateau, I became pretty upset about it, I was so close, yet very far away in my eyes.

Like you, I still saw myself as fat. I knew I was thinner based on clothing, but when I looked in the mirror, I did not see myself as anywhere near my goal.

I began to eat whatever I wanted all over again. I gained the 45 pounds I had lost plus an extra 43 more. Now I needed to lose 105 pounds. I was getting even more depressed by the pound. I kept trying to convince myself that I didn't care about the weight anymore. Then one day I looked in the mirror and on the scales and made a firm decision that I have to do something about this.

I tried the low fat thing and lost 5 pounds after a lot of struggle and unsatisfaction. Then I looked into Atkins again realizing that this is the best thing for me. It works, I knew that because I had already tried it. I just needed to change my way of thinking.

As of yesterday, I have lost a total of 35 pounds, 30 on Atkins & 5 from the low fat, and I started back on Atkins on July 7, 2003. I am excited and feel absolutely wonderful. I want to be in complete control, but no one can be 100% of the time. I am going to do this no matter how long it takes.

We all need to remember that just because we have a few bumps in the road doesn't mean that we should turn around and go back. Thanks for listening and thanks for everyone being there for all of us.

Michelle P.
265/230/160

Marci, you have gotten some really good advice from everyone above, you have given really good advice in the past. We all appreciate your input on these forums. I know we all feel your pain, and most of us have been where you are now. You are not alone in these feelings. Just remember how good it feels when you are on plan. You can do this.
((((hugs))))

Deb
165/146/115

Marcie

It was good to hear from you again. When I started visiting here, last June, you were one of the people who really helped me as I started my way.

I think the fact that you have posted about your recent difficulties means you are positive about regaining your hold on your eating patterns. I was going to write 'eating strategies' but thought it looked too pseud, but actually planning one's daily eating does involve strategy. But that's not the hard part, the hard part is suddenly being confronted by cake etc and having to refuse it. Every time.

I was in our new local coffee shop two days ago with my skinny twin daughters. The baked stuff looked wonderful and they had some of course. I so badly wanted to have a slice of carrot cake, or a muffin, but I didn't... I felt a bit depressed about it, as if I have to go through life in this way, always having to pass up nice eats. And I suppose that says something about me that I did regard those carb laden things as 'nice'. Well they were!

I started this woe 4 months ago and am still going strong, I think I've hit the zen, although the struggle is never entirely over. However, your post, and some of the sharing in response, has made me very aware that after a year, two years, when this woe is less 'new' to me, the same things could easily be happening to me.

You did it before, and you will do it again. The 'goal' was something you set for yourself, so infact you didn't 'fail' - you got your weight down to a small size 10.... WTG!!

It would be so much easier if the world around us wasn't so steeped in carbs. If the coffee shop sold low carb baking, or cheese strips, etc. Who's to wonder then when we give into temptation? Anyone who lives in the real world, rather than a bubble, will identify with your struggle.

Best of luck !!
Clare

Marci,
Thanks so much for sharing your struggles. I don't know what I can add that everyone else has said so beautifully. As someone who has been overweight her WHOLE adult life (53 years young) I know this is a constant battle. The beauty of Atkins is I don't feel like I am battling, I feel like I am living. Living for the first time free of cravings and secure in the knowledge that I finally have control. Is it perfect every day? No, but with the support of everyone here and the knowledge of how terrific I feel and how much energy I have, I know I will succeed. And so will you.
Hang in there girl.

Shortie19
224+/201/130
Since 1/1/03
http://www.lowcarbeating.com/lcesupporter.gif

Bless your heart, Marci! Lots of us have been there! I don't know which is worse--feeling like a hippo(crit) (love that!) or feeling like your whole life is defined by the need to lose weight. What a bummer.

I dodge that second one by defining fitness as my "hobby." It takes that kind of time and energy for sure! And a hobby is more congenial to my spirit than the pursuit of some moralistic/cultural norm like "ideal weight."

You've taken care of that hippo thing by getting honest in public. What to do now? You'll figure it out. One thing though--you can't get around the necessity of being conscious about your eating. Time to journal maybe? That's another aspect of honesty that I find essential when I've seriously fallen away.
Part of my "hobby" is keeping track of things like nutrients and workouts.

I've only been on Atkins since January. I've been pleased with my slow but satisfactory return to my former "set point" weight. I'd like to go a little further, but mainly I'm just trying to figure out what it means to make low-carbing a lifestyle instead of a "diet." I think the hard part has really just begun.

Recently, I was trying out a new exercise program--BeachBody Slim Series. I made my husband take bikini pictures of me--front, side and aft. I just got those pix back from the photo finisher, and I'm aghast. Everything baggy is hanging right out there--way worse than in a mirror--and all my hard work and success so far seem like an exercise in futility. I had to laugh! Nearly naked pictures--what a stupid idea! "Put your clothes back on, girl!" I say to myself. "Nobody but nobody is ever going to see you in a bikini! And, by the way, you'll never be younger than 57, and you'll never get long legs or thin thighs either." Take a breath.

Thanks for sharing, Marci. You're a wonderful encourager, and you deserve to feel good about everyone you've helped so far. Now--be good to you.

Barb L.

Marcie, you and I could start a club, I've been through so many of the same things.

(I'm just responding to a bunch of points as I read your post. I hope this is all taken as positive. Lately, a some of my posts seem to make people angry, even when I have only the best intentions.)

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Of course, did I THINK I looked good back at 152 and size 10? (starting to fit into some 8's) Sort of. LOL I thought I looked BETTER but I still didn't think I looked REALLY good.

What was I thinking?

I still saw the "fat" Marcie. Good God. It's ridiculous. Once you see yourself as fat, it's HARD to see yourself as anything else. Isn't that sad?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, and you're not the only one. I've described the same feelings about when I'd lost my weight, 112 pounds at that point. I spent five years around my goal weight and I always felt fat. I was never totally comfortable with my body. No matter what the scale said, I was still fat somewhere, still mis-proportioned. And it was SO HARD staying thin! Staying thin was my whole life.

About your comment about getting so close to goal... I never got to a goal. I always had more weight to lose. The lesson I learned, through my own hard experience, is that there is NO SUCH THING AS MAINTENANCE for people like me. This is it. How I'm living now is how I have to live for the rest of my life. That's not so sad, though! This can be made into a very comfortable and easy way of life. I never used to think that way. I was hair-shirt Harry, determined to live like an ascetic monk and get thin through brute-force and stay that way through sheer indomitable will. Well, it turned out that a few years of that was all I had in me. And then I just caved.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>I was a little bummed about this but thought hey, you only live once. I had a blast and truly didn't regret the pizza, pasta, gelato, etc. that I had eaten while traveling. No biggie, I'll just lose it again. (so I thought - I ended up gaining another 20!)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm not as forgiving as some people are about cheats, but I can really sympathize with you on this one. My big argument that I tell myself when I'm tempted by something is, "It's not really going to taste all that good and I've already eaten it a thousand times before." New foods in a unique environment, foods you won't ever see again, that would be a gigantic temptation to me!

But all the good reasons in the world won't keep you thin. It just seems that one cheat leads to another, to another, and each one becomes progressively easier, and then you become philosophical about the whole thing. The only cure I know of is to get your head IN THE RIGHT PLACE. For me, that means remembering that I've been through this all before and I don't want to live like I used to.

When I lost all that weight back in 1979, I did it because I wanted to be thin. I wanted to live the fabulously cool life that everybody else was living, some cool life that was passing me by, discos, drugs, rock and roll, girls knocking down my door, whatever I imagined. Perhaps my goals weren't mature enough. Well, I wasn't mature back then, so that makes sense. Need I say, reality was a huge let down?

So I guess now I spend less time thinking about imaginary rewards and more time thinking about how much better where I am NOW is than where I used to be. I don't need to wait for some big metamorphosis to be happier about where I am. I can try to be happy now.

It's funny. I was 237 at last weigh-in. 237 on the WAY DOWN is a lot more fun than 186 was on the WAY UP. I keep that in mind.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>This year has been tough. I just haven't wanted to bother and I've had more false starts than I can count. I've put alot of thought into this and I've realized that I am SICK AND TIRED of always being the one who has to "lose weight" or "shed a few pounds" - Is this all I'm about? Does the fact that I have to lose weight DEFINE me? HELL NO! (Pardon my French )<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I agree. What you said above IS THE POINT. That's why I feel so confident about you, maybe more than you feel confident about yourself right now. That doesn't have to "define you." Get back to the concept of this as a Way of Life, the "zen" experience that you mentioned.

You know, being realistic, having to fight weight for the rest of your life might be what's in store for you. That's how these things often happen. I'm in my forties, and I'm still doing the things that I did back in my twenties, with cutting carbs and hanging out with dieters. But there is one difference. All my mistakes, the accumulation of them all, have taught me a lesson, if nothing else than that being short-sighted and doing things mickey-mouse will never work for me.

Somehow, though, I feel that I'm past that. I just got fed up with being fed up. It IS a kind of zen. I think you're getting there too.


<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>- I'm not going to let myself get obessed about it.
- I'm not going to weigh myself everyday.
- I'm not going to write down every single thing I eat.
- I'm not going to worry about water retention and fluctuation.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That is incredibly useful advice and I totally applaud. It focuses on the things that keep us sane and make this a liveable lifestyle. I'm trying to live exactly like that too. My own compulsive nature once in a while makes me want to jump in and seize control, but I know to resist that.

**************
"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."

(((Marcie)))

Ditto to what everyone has said!!! You are a great motivator!!! I remember reading your thread as you got ready for your Great vacation!!!

Think about joining our Christmas challenge.. We would love to have you.. It would help all of us!!

Smile!! You are beautiful inside & out!!

((HUGS))

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-..
215/180.5/160
34.5 Gone
20.5 to go!!

Marcie, I think we all feel for your struggles, we have all been there at some point. I agree with what others have said, you are brave to come forward and be honest , not just with the group, but more importantly with yourself. In doing so , you are helping so many of us . If you are like me, always striving for perfection (I'm a Capricorn) is it hard to admit to being less than perfect. But although, you don't know me , I feel like I know you a little , through all your wonderful posts, delicious recipes, vacation pictures you have shared, and gentle advice you have always freely given. If there is anything I can say that can help you a little , that is a small payback.

Sometimes the best advice is the one that we might give a friend. What would you tell someone who is struggling right now? You would probably say, hang in there, and I know you can do. Today is a new day. Start over. We are all here to support you.



Victors are really just temporary quitters who then regroup with a vengeance.