I was reading Knowles thread about being stalled and then she touched on what I took as being "afraid to lose the weight" I hope I didn't miss-read but even if I did I have seen the subject touched on many times but thats all we do is touch on it. Some call it "secondary gain" it is when there is some reason, emotionaly or physically that you have for staying overweight. I know at this point some of you will think I am nuts but this is real. It is not only real but it's the number one reason of failure in weight loss. It seems like it is TABU to talk about but I would like to hear some answers from some folks that have had the problem and have overcome it. For me, my secondary gain is "MEN"! I made a decision about 6 years ago that I was done! I quit dating and swore I would never date again. From a little girl up to then I have been "mistreated" by men and since I gained all this weight I have not even had to deal with an occasional flirt. I am scared that when I lose this weight that men will start noticing me again and what if the lonelyness and desire to be with a man returns and again I choose the wrong one and off we go again. Are there others dealing with anything like this and if so how do you overcome it? I know this is not a low carb topic but if it interferes with making this wol a success then why shouldn't I post it? If I am wrong I am sorry and feel free to move the post but I really would like to here some feedback on this. Thanks to all.

started 11/12/03
396/360/190ish

I think this is an important part of the life choices we make also. We have to look at our emotional choices. Not only how we react to bad things as emotional eating - but also how we have reached this point in our lives.

I read Dr. Phils book before starting on this WOL. It doesn't really matter what 'diet' or WOL we choose if we are not emotionally ready to change our life. And his book was very helpful to me in seeing why I had choosen to let myself reach the safety layers of fat. I too have been afraid of success. Would losing weight make my life any better?

but this time I am realizing it is not about the losing weight and looking better. It is about my health. I've been on diets before to lose weight, and that was the only reason - and failed. This WOE has given me instant health improvements that I never expected. Weight loss or not (sure I'd like it faster) - this is the best way for me to eat and live my life.

I've always been heavy, but I let it get this bad because it was a safety shield. I didn't have to worry about how people felt about me - I could blame it on the weight.

Mary Kay

Atkins ~~ 01/02/04-230 ~~ 2/19/04-219 ~~ 3/19/04-???

Men have always been my "trigger" too. But even at 400 I was getting attention from men...being "hit" on etc....Can't they see my ring?

Anyhow, I said to myself...if at 400 it is still happening what would it take to make it stop? 500? 600? And how fair is that kind of weight to my kids?

The weight hasn't stopped Men from noticing me. So why punish myself with this weight?

That said...part of the reason my goal weight is 200 is this fear. I have decided get to 200. Then re-evaluate how I am feeling about my appearance. Maybe I will stay there awhile...maybe not, and continue losing. That is a decision I will leave for the future.

400/325/200

I think the emotional part of the food is the hardest part for some of us and has to be dealt with. For me, every time I've lost weight, or started to, a few pounds coming off made me feel truly afraid. Before I stared Atkins and began losing weight again, I did go from 317 down to 261. But I stayed there, or within 10 lbs of that, for about 6 years. I just didn't want to get any thinner because I felt afraid. My fat was my protection, my safety, my friend. It has taken me this long to "get ready" to lose more.

Now, I feel very ready, not afraid at all. I have done lots of ersonal work over the eyars, but also just getting older has helped. I'm just more sick of the fat now than I am comfoprtable with it. I think it is a process that we have to be somewhat patient with ourselves about but also need to deal with because if is very real.

We are all worth the good health that can come our way!

Renee
1/19/04
261/248/160

Yes, Taxgirl, your insight is very real, and shows a high level of self-awareness. I'm sorry that your bad experiences in the past have turned into a negative defense like weight on your body. But realizing this is a big step towards physical and mental health.

I don't have much experience with counseling, but it might be that someone trustworthy can furnish a safe place for you to continue talking through your fears as you embrace a better life with "new improved" you. Yet keep in mind that you deserve to be loved right now for who you are inside.

Barb L.
Started Atkins January 2003
162/137/130

Taxgirl...this is a very real fear and one I think a lot of us have...not necessarily the same triggers, but the same fear.

I've always been the fat, funny friend. The one that made everyone laugh and was the goofball. The weird thing is...I have no idea what I'll look like thin. I've never been thin since I was a small kid. I don't have any clothes except for big ones, and I don't have the money for a new wardrobe. In the past this has always been one of my excuses...I can't afford to lose the weight.

Another weird thing is...now that I'm losing weight, my friends think it's great...but I've also started to get more attention from men (though I'm married) when I go out with my girlfriends...they are all single, so I've actually been having to deal with jealousy from them that I've never had to deal with before. But you know what? it doesn't matter if they get jealous...it doesn't matter if men notice me more...it doesn't matter if I'm not the fat, funny friend anymore b/c I feel better about me...about how I feel and how I look. I've only shed 23 lbs and dropped from a 20 to a 16, but I don't think it's the weight or non-weight that these guys are looking at it's the fact that I am much more confident with myself...who I am..and the fact that I'm making my life better for ME. not for the hubbie (he keeps telling me he likes me the way I am), not for my friends...just for me. And if my 'friends' get jealous...that's their insecurity working..not mine. And when I run out of clothes that fit I'll buy from the resale shops until I plateau out for awhile. B/c the security of being invisible b/c your fat is an illusion. You get noticed whether you want to or not...whether you are thin or fat. How you deal with the others depends a lot on how you deal with yourself. Don't hide away, b/c all you are doing is letting life pass you by and there are terrific things out there to experience whether you are 400 lbs or 120. Just make sure you don't let your fears overtake you b/c then they control you instead of you controlling them...and when your fears control you...that is no way to live. Since you have acknowledged this fear, it should lessen its control over you. Sit down and explore it thouroughly....the more you break it into pieces, the less overwhelming it will be...just like our weight loss...small steps.

sorry for rambling....but it's definitely somethng I've experienced.

Sneezy

185/182/170 (Easter Challenge)
205/182/130 23 down, 52 to go!

Sneezy - well put! I have been thinking about my response since this morning, and you said everything I was going to! There is nothing more beatiful than confidence! I, too, am married, and I, too, have been getting a lot of admiring glances from men. I LOVE it. I feel great, look even better, and am secure in myself to know that I love my husband and the looks are all surface anyway!

Anita - one thing I would suggest (because the men are gonna come flockin', lucky girl!) - make a list of the the things done to you in prior relationships that you will not tolerate. See if you can pinpoint EXACTLY the first time someone said or did something unacceptable. Now, make a vow that no one is allowed to cross that bottom line, ever again. And stick to it. The first time a man crosses that line kick the bum to the curb. The one thing I can say about myself is that I have never lacked in self confidence (DH calls it over confidence), even when I was fat. And it is a rare occasion when someone says or does something inappropriate to me - people can tell by a person's body language and style that they cannot be pushed around. You, too, can develop this. It really comes down to deciding that NO ONE treats you like crap - because you deserve better than that and it's just plain rude and you don't like people who do that to you. It doesn't matter what you look like, you don't deserve that. Oh, and I have a little tip for you - men who talk badly about or behave badly to others are insecure little boys and not to be trusted, ever. The first time you see a guy do that (even in a minor way and even if he looks like Adonis), adios, pal, he is not for you.

OK, now I'm done.

Jen
175/129/120

I too waited since this morning and gave this somer serious thought...and some of my points were already made. However, I want to say...it saddens me most when people equate "happiness" with losing weight. An assumption was made to me recently regarding this....being thin won't make me happy or a happier life, I have that already. Will it make me more content with who I am? Probably...so I think the assumption of equating happiness with being thin in some statements made is a wrong one to be made.

That being said....

My fears?
....losing the weight and not affording to buy clothes.
....losing the weight and having too much excess skin.
....losing the weight and people look at me differently.
....losing the weight and suddenly losing my security blanket and having to expose the real me.

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Atkins as of 1/9/04
340/322/145 (someday I'll see it!!!)

72 sticks of butter GONE and I'm not looking for them!!

Hey there!! Just thought I'd take a minute to add my .02...

For me this journey began because I had what I call my "epiphany". I realized I had a great DH, decent house, good job; all the things I wanted in place before I started a family. Why was I continuing to gain all this weight?? Because if I were a healthy weight I would have run out of excuses as to why we can't get pregnant. There is a back story to all this, the short version being that my daughter passed suddenly 12 years ago. I finally made the connection between the weight and the fear of loosing like that again. I'm still terrified, still not sure, but I know I can't let that fear ruin my health or keep me from fulfilling my dreams.

I also worry my DH will be "more interested" in me. He doesn't seem to mind the weight, but if his attitude does change will I be mad or happy? Will my family be more accepting? On this note I guess it boils down to an underlying fear that people in general will like me better if I'm thinner and if they do then will I really want to be around them? I hate to think the world is so superficial, but I know the harsh reality is that it is. I've always prided myself on not caring what other people think. Now if I have to face the world as a thin person and find it a kinder, gentler place, that will tick me off!!

Ok, everything I'm starting to say is sounding like a ramble. I haven't had a cigarette in 31 hours, and only 1 in the 12 hours before that, so I'm getting a little nutty!! I'll just close with this: realizing that barrier is the hardest step. Once one knows why they are doing things the easier it is to find better solutions. Hang in there!! We're all here for each other!!

LC since 4/22/03

"Can't Means Won't" Great Grandma Mary
"No matter where you go, there you are..." Buckaroo Bonzai

(266)257/200.5/125

I understad you all, I feel the same way, but I think it's really a good step talking about this fears and to now that we are not alone, there are lots of women feeling just the same.
I'm married and happy but I am scared of other men and I don't want either that the notice my, but I think my child, my Husband and I deserve to have a better life and I know my kid woulld love if i could play with him and not beeing so tired and every husband wants to have a beautiful wive, and I would love to have lots of nice clothes without an X on the size.
So i focus on that and try to forget about everything else.


Good luck

Gavkins


218/207/110
210/207/195 easter challenge
207/207/177 1st day of summer challenge

Taxgirl,

I too read Dr. Phils 7 keys to weightloss freedom. This book deals with this issue as well as other emotional issues in a very helpful way. I have been to many therapists who just want to talk without giving you tools to overcome the root problem. Whether you are a Dr. Phil fan or not, if you want to know how to get help with this issue, this is the best resource I have found. There are pointed questions and personal inventories that he guides you through. It is effective. It worked for me.

Hi. Read my story on the homepage. One of my biggest issues has been my own emotional eating.

Peg
1/1/03
205/174.2/155
5'8"

Taxgirl, we may not have covered this issue much since you've been around, but believe me it's a recurring theme, and not at all taboo.

As someone who's been maintaining for a while, I can tell you from experience what you already know--for many of us losing weight means facing our fears, of success and failure, and our emotions without our drug of choice. It is often the most difficult thing we will ever endeavor to do. And the most worthwhile.

BC



172/108/108--5'2"
Zone since 4/98

There is a lot of wisdom flowing from this page. I just want to send you all a great, big, HUGE hug!!!! This is a subject that DOES have to be dealt with. Kudos to you Taxgirl for bringing it up!!!!

Barb - 30 lbs gone FOREVER!
www.iwsgroupinc.com - website design and development

Atkins-3/14/03
174/143.6/135 5'2"
"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."
Knowledge is POWER

I had a very interesting and enlightening day yesterday. Crazy day at work, boss wasn't there which makes me the boss. Ran around all day doing things which led me to not drink enough water and only have time to eat my yogurt for lunch I was soooo not happy with my life at work and it's influence on my WOL. But I came home and downed a ton of water and some cucumber slices and some chicken I had.

The enlightening part of my day came with social plans hubby and I had. We were to go to a bar/grill with his coworkers after he got off work. This both terrified and excited me. Terrified because I also am VERY self conscious when meeting new people...I have never danced with my hubby (2 month newlyweds that we are)....and I was worried about the food choices. That being said, I had a BLAST!!!! Yes I drank a little too much and am feeling it today (diet coke with 1/2 shot of vanilla vodka)...and actually ate very well!

The other enlightening part came from comments I received. Here I get myself all worked up about how I look when I go, what will people think when they see me, will they ever get past my physical appearance and give ME a chance...which always leads me to be incredibly shy in new arena's socially. I met a great bunch of hubby's coworker's last nite...and was often left alone with them while he talked to others or went to smoke. I found myself talking more, feeling more confident and truly enjoying the night. Received some compliments from total strangers regarding my appearance (about fell off my barstool when it happened too!!!) and some sincere friendships were formed that I will treasure from his coworkers.

The ultimate compliment tho? As the night wore on and my confidence in myself grew stronger than I even realized...my hubby's boss leaned over to us and told us how inspiring it was to see true love prevail in this world and how "in love" we were with one another.

In that moment....I realized that I am ok as a person. That this WOL is exactly that, a way of life. A life that I must adjust to and face my fears in. I thought of our thread here regarding our fears and what people had responded...to realize in that moment how badly I want to succeed, fears aside, to be healthier so I may be with him for the length of my life. With him and the support in my life, I can and will get through my emotional fears, physical obstacles and food challenges. And why am I so sure? Because last night something hit me like a ton of bricks just how badly I want this...and only I can make it happen!

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Atkins as of 1/9/04
340/320/145 (someday I'll see it!!!)

80 sticks of butter GONE and I'm not looking for them!!