Are you embarressed to go out?

[malona23]

Are you embarressed to go out because you're ashamed of how you look? My dh friend had a suprise party this weekend at a bar and he begged me to go and I wanted to go so bad but I couldn't I didn't want to be seen this big at a bar! My friend always tells me I'm small compared to a lot of the girls that go. I'm so bad at comparing myself to other women. I look at others and feel even bigger and I always feel like I don't belong. I felt this way at 135 lbs! Now that I'm bigger its worse. I don't even want to go with my dh to a concert cause I feel to fat. ARe you the same? what can I do? help!
marlene:gorgeous:

[Staci]

Yes, I know how you feel. I don't know if I'm really qualified to give advice, but I can tell you a bit about how I've overcome similar feelings. We are programed from a very young age to fit a nearly impossible ideal of how a woman should look. It has affected me in a number of ways: 1)anorexia and bullemia as a teen (down to 100 lbs. on a large, 5'7" frame...), 2) binge eating and rapid weight gain in my early 20s, followed by 3) hiding myself from the world because I was ashamed of how I look.

I don't hide (much) anymore, as age (I'm 37 now) and maturity have helped me realize a few things:

1) most people are too busy thinking about themselves to really care much what others look like.
2) "Life is not a dress rehearsal." I think about this and refuse to deny myself a full life, well-lived.
3) there are many large women who are absolutely beautiful. It's not so much about size as it is about attitude. Fix your hair, make-up, nails, earrings, whatever makes you feel pretty and go for it! If you can feel beautiful, others will see you that way, too.

I know these issues can run deep, and can be difficult to overcome, but realize that you deserve all the great things life has to offer. (And your husband deserves a wife who will do things with him!) Be brave, and refuse to be controlled by other's attitudes. Don't wait until you are the "perfect weight" to allow yourself to live. Treat yourself the same as you would if you were skinny, and tell anyone who has something negative to say about that to take a hike.

(((((hugs))))) and best wishes to you!

[Maxibee]

In general, no, I am not embarrassed to go out. It kinda depends on the situation. My husband is the head honcho (General Manager) for their business. There are several store managers under him. When we all go out together (managers and wives), I feel like a dork. They are all really small people. I am 5 feet, 9 inches tall. And I weigh, as of this morning 230 pounds. I am NOT a small person. I hate being "the fat wife". They are really sweet ladies and we get along well.....I sometimes wonder if they are nice to me because they like me or if it's because my husband is their husband's boss and they feel like they have to.

DH is 6 feet, 6 inches tall and about 285. DD is almost 7 yrs. old, and weighs about 62 pounds. She comes up to the middle of my chest. Tall and skinny!

Anyway, I have always been a bigger-than-average person, even when I weighed 165. I was still way taller than most women. So, I'm kinda used to feeling a little self-concious. I am always careful to groom myself well and wear flattering clothes. If someone doesn't like me because of my weight/size, that's not my problem.

Don't stop living your life while you are losing weight. Hold your head up and be proud of the person you are inside. Soon enough, you'll be proud of your outside, too.

[malona23]

Thank you so much!
Those messages were deep, they made me feel so good and made me realize thats true. I shouldn't care what others think and stop my life because of it. From now on I will try my best to be involved with dh. He had to go to the bar alone that night but he said he wished I had gone. He always tells me I'm beautiful and not fat. He loves my body and I know he does. Thank you so much
marlene:hot:

[jestey]

Marlene, the only thing I can add is that we are all our own worst critics. When you are looking at other women "comparing" yourself to them, I bet you are admiring each one of them for something. Guess what? They are probably doing the same thing to YOU! We all have wonderful features and attributes that we just don't see in ourselves, but others do, no matter how big/small we are. For example, in your picture, the first thing I noticed is your gorgeous, dark long hair! I have short, very curly hair, and I would KILL to have hair like yours! Try to learn to appreciate your own good features and revel in them,

[teelbee]

Hi, Marlene - don't hide your beauty! Because, you are beautiful, you know.

It's important to foster a feeling of being happy with yourself, regardless of what the scale says. You are so much more than that. Go out and flash a big smile - that's what people notice most often!

If you still feel shy, go find an outfit you like that makes you feel good. Wearing clothes that fit well and make you feel good about yourself is not a luxury. Whether it's a colorful fringed shawl or a new pair of black jeans - I just know there is something out there that will make you feel really trick!

It doesn't have to cost a ton of money either - in case you are worried about spending money on clothes when your size is changing. You can get very good buys at discount stores like Marshalls or Ross. Consignment shops and thrift shops often have terrific clothes for pennies on the dollar.

[April]

Marlene:

Once upon a time, I lived in a shabby, broken down, 12? x 36? trailer. The linoleum flooring was peeled back in the bathroom and kitchen from use, and rotted floorboards were clearly visible, as was the bare ground under the trailer. The dark wood paneling throughout the dilapidated trailer was riddle with nail holes from previous tenants? picture hanging ventures, and none of the doors in the place hung straight. Several windows were broken and the cracks were covered with silver duct tape. My then-husband promised we would live there only for a few weeks until we could find a better place.

Six years later, three children later, we were still living there. My Mother came for a visit. She had been to visit with us the year before, and upon preparing to leave from the most recent visit, she sat down with me and asked me a very pointed question. ?April?, she said, ?why don?t you fix this place up?? My answer to her sounded very logical to me as I explained that this was simply a temporary dwelling until we could find a better place, so I saw no point in trying to fix it up to present it to the public because it wasn?t worth it.

My Mother then bestowed the most valuable advice I think she?s ever given to me. She told me that life happens while you?re making other plans. She said that no matter what circumstance I find myself in, make the best of it.

Three weeks later, I had that little trailer shining. Sure, the floor was still peeled back and the windows still had duct tape holding them together, but I had fashioned cheap curtains to conceal the tape, and I found a few nails and nailed down the floors. I found wallpaper remnants and papered the paneling with bright paper. It was home, if only for a few weeks more. It changed my whole perspective and I was no longer waiting for something better to come along.

The moral of the story? Work with what you have now. You might not like how you look, but you simply cannot stop living and hide yourself from life. Had I done that at 352 pounds, I would have missed out on a lot of living while losing weight towards my goal.

Don?t miss out on life. Don?t live later on with regretting not living simply because you find yourself in less than favorable circumstances.

You are worth more than that. And, remember ? life happens while making other plans. Don't miss out on life.

My two cents.........

[cgilson269]

excellent anaology and story, april. gave me goosebumps ... very inspiring. thanks for sharing.

[April Rose]

Brava April, you're life experience teaches us so much!!

[CarolynInTexas]

Having grown up a large child, into a large young adult, and an even larger adult.... I have never sat at home waiting for life to happen to me.
I don't know what it was, maybe it was the years in grammer and high school when I did stay at home because I didn't have any friends.... kids can be cruel to "fat" kids and they pretty much ignored me. What changed, going away to college... in the early 70's.... people didn't care what you looked like, didn't care if you were fat, skinny, had long, or short hair, etc. al....I was accepted and never looked back.
I have many friends - each to help in different areas of life - work friends, music friends, camping friends, old friends, et.al.
We get together in different times - dinner, here happy hour here, birth day party there.... etc. ... some times I don't go cause I don't want to be tempted with food, but I don't not go because of how I look....
Go out, enjoy your friends, your life, do things you want to do... go places you want to go, and don't wait.... I remember my parents, saved money all their life for their retirement, didn't go on many vacations, were waiting for their retirement....paid for their house, all of us moved away, and they were by theirselves.... sold the house, moved to a retirement community to begin enjoying their retirement, ....dad died within a couple of years....don't wait... do it while you have the energy, the time, and the physical ableness....
just say you are worth it....

[April]

don't wait... do it while you have the energy, the time, and the physical ableness....

Amen and amen.

[malona23]

WOW! I love the support! I feel like going out and getting a new outfit for tonight. DH is taking me out and I feel pretty today Honestly because I've been so faithful on my diet and I haven't stepped on the scale. (can't till sept 17th) I feel great! even with AF. I bought a really nice outfit a couple of weeks ago and I felt so good in it that I danced the night away (family party) I can admit I felt great. I loved the feeling so I know it can happen. But then I thought it was because it was a family function and they all know how much weight I've lost already. But no, that wasn't it cause there were strangers there and I felt beautiful. I know what you mean about living my life NOW not later. It's funny cause I always tell my dh when he dies he can't all of his money with him! so I'm kind of contradicting myself. He just loved to see the numbers go up and was so tight! lol! (I shouldn't complain, bought me a house and new car!!) Anyway! I also thought of those people who buy crystal or tupperware and store them up in their closets or on the highest shelf and never use them!! lol! I'm glad I found this board making me realize so many things. Thanks again
marlene :jump:

[reneed70]

Marlene, Marlene! Girl, do you know what I would give to weigh what you do? To me, you are not even fat!!!!!!!! You are a pretty girl who deserves and has a right to be confident. I weigh about 100 lbs more than you and I still feel confident and even sexy some days if my hair is looking good and my makeup is just right Like everyone said, life is waaaaaaaay too short to wait. Sure, like you there are things I won't do being as heavy as I am, for instance, swim in public. For the most part tho, I feel like this, "You don't want to look at me? Cool, there are 3 other directions to gaze in." Be proud of yourself. Remember, you have to love and accept yourself for others to do them same.
Take care!
Renee

[heykim]

ALL of my life my mom used to say to us.. "i'm saving it for good"
we laughed about that for years and years.. saving it for good..
well.. when my mom's health deteriorated she was STILL saying it..
finally.. one day... i just looked her in the eye and said "MOM! GOOD IS HERE!!"
she laughed.. and pretty soon she was buying pretty things for herself.. using them... wearing jewelry and dressing nicely to go to dinner (which she had NEVER done when dad was alive) and to doctors visits..
i could see a PHYSICAL change in the way she appeared.. smiled more often.. laughed more often.. got COMPLEMENTS left and right...
to this DAY people remind me of how NICE AND SWEET my mother was.. NO ONE ever said.. your mom was overweight.. or sickly looking or elderly..
what someone in here said was true.. people WILL remember that flashing smile .. and when they are dazzled by that... they arent looking at your size.. unless it is the size of your HEART..

[britneyfan]

Hi Malona

By the look of your avitar you look to be around the same age as me, 26. And at this age for some reason we seem to be overly concerned about the way we look. When I start feeling down about myself I start thinking about what is positive about me and my body. I have also learned to dress for my body type. I kind of don't look at my body as a whole, for example, I might not have a belly worthy of a mid drift top, but I have awesome cleavage and nice hair that I get complimented on all the time. Focus on the things you love about your body, and work on the negative stuff. I bet if you take a look at yourself you can find at least one thing you love about your body, even if it is as small as having a cute pinky toe!