Why Won't They Listen? Encouraging Loved Ones to Lose Weight

"I feel great, but I can't get my husband/ kid/ parent/ sibling/ [insert-person-you-love-here] to make the healthy changes I'm making, even though they really need to. It's vital! Their health is at stake! Why can't they understand, and how can I make them understand how important this is?"

How can you get someone else to see the light, anyway?

This is a familiar refrain from people who've made changes to their eating habits, lost weight, and are enthusasitic about their progress. You feel great, you look great, and you are great! It's natural to want to share your good fortune with others you care about. You want them to feel better and become healthier too! You worry about them, after all. You want only what's best for them, and they know that. You try and try to convince them, but to no avail.

So why won't they listen? And more importantly, what can you do about it? Well, I do have some answers for you, but as per normal, they may not be what you're expecting.

Take a trip back in time now. Think of yourself, before you embarked on your weight-loss quest. Whether you were happy or not most of the time with yourself, it's almost certain there were others in your life that weren't happy with your weight. There usually have been at least occassions when somebody or other was trying to convince you that you needed to lose some of the flab, right? It could have been anybody, from your doctor to your 3-year-old who got on your case. It really doesn't matter who it was. Just take a second and remember...how did you feel about it?

Did the nagging, exhortations, dire warnings, or anything that came at you to encourage you to lose weight make ANY difference at all? For me, it made a difference all right. Being told I wasn't okay just how I was made me even more determined to stay exactly as I was! It had the exact oppositie effect from the intentions, however well-meaning. I basically liked who I was, and if someone didn't agree with me, well, "Screw ‘em!" That's how I felt. Like me as I am, or I don't need you.

Critisism-however constructive it's intended-just doesn't work very well for most people. And as you know from your own experiences, nobody could have bullied you into losing the weight one flat second before you were ready to do so yourself. Right? I mean, okay. You could be pressured to some degree, perhaps. But that only goes so far. For real, lasting and significant changes, the desire for change has to come from within.

So where does that leave you with your (perhaps somewhat tubby) loved one? How can you make them see the light? Short answer: You don't. Nobody makes anybody else see the light.

But you can help, and help a lot! It's just not the nagging, whiney, cajoling, pressuring approach most people try that will do it. It's a million times easier, and more pleasant for everybody. You help others see and share your success by living it. You back off from the pushing and pulling. You make your own decisions, and allow your loved ones to make their own decisions.

When your decisions are working for you (and working very well, thank you), you radiate the strong, positive energy that comes from being in a good place yourself. You don't have to try and convince people that if they change their ways they can have what you've got. They can see it! You don't have to try and sell them the potential happiness that comes from being kind to their bodies. You're a walking billboard for making those positive changes. You wear it every day.

This holds true of the "no support at home" stuff for folks working on their losses as well. Maybe your spouse is tired of seeing you frustrated with yourself and disappointed. Or maybe s/he is just a bit insecure, and is worried you will be pursued by others if you slim down too much. Maybe your kids don't want to give up your delicious Christmas cookies, or resent the ever-present supply line of Little Debbies has dried up. I don't know. But it doesn't matter much, because people who care about you want to see you happy in the long run. They'll get over their issues. Your best argument for making healthy changes-be it for yourself or others-is ALWAYS demonstrating the positive outcome of those changes.

So, ultimately: If you want to help others around you to share some of the success you're having, there is one very powerful way to do that: Be highly successful! Your example is much more powerful than your arguments (which most overweight people are intimately familiar with). Your example is more powerful than your dire health warnings (which most oeverweight people have already tuned out years ago). Your example is much more powerful than any nagging, negative predictions, arguments, or any action you could take.

One of the main differences, incidently, is the fact that your positive example comes from a place that feels good. There's no implied critisim others, warnings of horrendous outcomes, or negative energy of any kind attached to your success. It becomes easier for others to attach to that which feels good.

Of course, you may well be asking yourself, "Well, what if they still don't decide to lose the weight, depsite my good example?" That's entirely possible. They may not, now. They may not, possibly ever. They may decide to do whatever the heck they want, whenever the heck they want to, forever more. What then, Sparky?

I'll tell you what then-nothing! That's right, Sparky. A big, fat, nothing. You love 'em exactly the way they are, as long as they choose to stay that way.

We get so invested in other people's chocies sometimes that we lose sight of the larger picture. Regardless of the relationship, regardless of our level of caring, we sometimes see their choices as vital to our own health, happiness and well-being. That's a very unstable place to be, let me tell ya. Whoo doggie!

Yes,  there's no question: if you're connected to others, their choices impact you. Well, duh! But the point is, everyone's life belongs to them. Everyone's health is their own, to care for or disregard, as they see fit. Even your spouse, or your kids or your mother-in-law's cousin: everyone owns their own life. As do you.

It is not an emergency if people you care about make choices you don't agree with! It can sure feel like a catastrophe, I know. I have grown kids. I have therefore seen people I care about with all of my being make choices that I know can have dire, life-threatening consequecnes. Literally life-threatening! And continue and continue and contine to make choices that I know are highly dangerous and destructive. And you know what I could do about it? Not too much, man.

One thing I learned from my parenting experiences: the harder you fight someone to do what you personally see as "right," the harder they fight back. You can be objectively right, and they can know it but it makes no difference. Instead of conceding, they become more and more entrenched in their current choices, and it becomes an issue of pride at some point. There's no way to back down without losing face and admitting they have been wrong. Nobody likes to feel stupid and humiliated on top of acknowledging they have to make serious changes, too. Or maybe they just tune you out and go on. Whatever is happening in their head, it is all too clear that the strongarm pressure techniques don't do squat to get people to make lasting change.

But oddly enough, you never can know that anyone else is actually wrong. I don't really care what it's about. I spent many years overweight. That doesn't mean that was "wrong," In fact, I think the experience taught me tons! (Ha, ha! I said "tons.") Much of what I learned then, I try to use to help others now. I became more sensitive in many ways. I have been able to use that experience to become, I believe, a better person now. So who's to say I was wrong?

In fact, I don't care to characterize any choices as right or wrong anymore. You make the chocies you make based on what you need to learn. That's how you end up in these situations to begin with! It's true that some choices lead to pleasure, and some to pain. But even those chocies leading to pain serve a vital function: learning! The help keep you safe by teaching you. Always, always, there is learning to be had. If you fight the lessons, they come back harder and stronger. But then again, the lessons wouldn't be coming unless you needed them by definition. Otherwise, you could easily avoid the pain.

Pain serves a tremendously important function: it helps us chart our course. In psych class many years ago, we learned about people who, because of a rare medical condition, don't feel pain. Nothing! At first blush, this sounds like a tremendous boon, right? Who wouldn't like to have a life free of any kind of physical pain? Sounds great! Most of these people, however, ultimately had very short lives. Without pain to warn them of danger, they had no impetus for escaping the danger. They couldn't tell when they were being hurt. They literally "didn't know what hit them."

Additionally, sometimes, people simply need to be shaken up to reach saturation level with the status quo. Crisises often lead to turning points. I know you'd prefer not to see those you love go through the crisis to begin with. Of course not! But really, the most loving thing you can do is give those around you enough room to do their own work. You're not doing anyone any favors by trying to spare them their lessons, regardless of the intent. You don't spare them anything, and damage your own relationship with them in the process.

Bottom line: if someone you care for isn't making the chocies you'd like them to, well...it's simply none of your business. Your business is to stand tall, strong, and serve as an example of all the benefits of taking care of yourself. Love others enough to give them room to learn their own lessons. They will learn what they need to, when they're darned good and ready and not a moment before.

Just like you. Peace out to you, and yours.